Musings.

As I watch the lady in the courtyard laugh sweetly at whatever her significant other just uttered I remember fondly the times I was in a relationship with someone where laughter came with ease. I remember the times when I’ve felt completely and utterly in love and overwhelming peace would swell in my soul. From the corner of my eye, I watch the couple sitting caddy corner to me and feel the lilt in my heart as I see them gaze lovingly at each other, nuzzled close shoulder to shoulder and whisper sweet somethings. It’s endearing and inspiring. The fire place is warm nearby. The cool fall air slips through the cracks around the windows. The soft music fills the space in between cold and warm and the souls sharing this space with me push everything higher, deeper, fuller. It’s nearly a ethereal feeling. The precipice of my mind pushes closer to epiphany and my soul ignites. I feel. I think. I am energized. There’s hope. Hope aplenty all around me. Fall comes, leaves fall, grass goes dormant, bees stop buzzing and skies stay gray. This is just a season. It’s the beginning of something new. The season must change to give way to the new season springing underground, piquing to life beyond where eyes can see. So much happens under the cloak of consciousness. Things beyond our comprehension are being orchestrated by forces uncontrollable. They’re divine. They’re purposeful. They’re beautiful. All things come to light and awareness in their due time. Patience is an essential component to enjoying the full masterpiece as it unfolds. Don’t rush it. Don’t force it to be something it isn’t. Just allow all things to manifest as they will in their own due time. The beauty and majesty of the divine will rock you, but it will be more beautiful than you could’ve ever planned.

These are my musings of life.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Bball Season

Your favorite time of year has come. Basketball season. You’ll be full tilt at practice and at games on Tuesday and Fridays with some tournament games out of town. You won’t eat right. You’ll be tired. Your paperwork for work will slip a bit as you try to manage all of your responsibilities and meet deadlines. You’ll make it all work as you usually do. You’ll be graceful and kind. You’ll be sleepy in the morning and need your favorite Starbucks drink more often than not. You’ll beat yourself up a bit about not going to the gym and you’ll accept that you’ll gain 20 pounds that you’ll definitely work off in the spring once the season ends. You’ll pull late nights at home trying to catch up on everything and make time for family and down time. You’ll satisfy everyone else before you do anything for yourself.

Grit. You’ve got that figured out. Grace. You’ve got that down pat. Humility. You’re an iconic example. Dedication. The definition. Strength. Surely the strongest person I know. Dependable. You’re always there. Always available.

This season, like every one before it, will come with challenges and triumphs. This season, more than ever before, I wish you a wonderful season. May your scoreboard be full, your bench full, your team work as a team, and your Starbucks ever flowing. Have a great season baby! I will be cheering for you from afar and watching your success!

Love always,

The Repressed Peach

Affirmations

The story of me and who I am never ends. I am constantly a work of progress and sewn together with multiple strands of inspiration, hope, love, and encouragement. Sometimes those strands get tangled, and some might even break, but at the end of what I hope and envision is a masterpiece of life, the picture will be clear and the images where they’re supposed to be. At times, I feel the tangle, I can feel the stress on the threads before it breaks and in those times I need to find my footing again. I need to find balance and peace that comes from within. I’ve found in past versions of myself and in past experiences that affirmations are very powerful for me. So, I find myself in a place where affirmations might be the thing that propels me toward my more complete masterpiece. Here’s my first draft:

1.  Fall in love with who you are.

This season I’ve been in has caused me to lose sight of who I am and what I’m about. My confidence has been shaken and it’s taking a heavy toll on my soul and body. I have to get me back. Back into my greatest shape mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. My spiritual confidence is destroyed right now so that has to be a great area of focus.

2. Focus on the now. Limit distractions. 

Like so many others, I find myself distracted by things that ought not be a priority. Social media is just perused out of boredom and escape from reality. I gain little from the abundance of time I spend checking, reading, deleting, reacting, etc to the steady stream of shit that flows from social media. Limiting that will ensure I avail myself to the things I need to do to improve my life.

3. Be brave. 

Like my confidence, my sense of bravery has wavered. I’ve found myself thinking pitifully about myself and my situation. Well, lemme tell ya, ain’t nobody got time fo’ that! Pity parties are for the feeble minded. I am not and will not allow myself to participate in that crap anymore. I will stand tall, be brave, and have confidence in what I am doing in all things great and small. I’m going to work on this characteristic. I must improve.

I will add more or edit as I make progress in my affirmations but I think this is a great place to start. I have to remember who I am and why I am who I am. Hopefully, I will remember soon and start acting accordingly. 😊

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

The last baby tooth. 

Parenting is such an interesting journey. It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns and a little bit of duck, dive and dodge. It’s beautifully analogous to life. And oh what a life it is! 

Being a mom is my pride and joy. It’s one of the things I feel I am best at. And by best, I mean in a simple, thoughtful, realistic kind of way. I’m not an over the top, hovercraft, expert-level Pinterest mom, and I’m not a bedazzled, superstar. I’m just thoughtful, caring, disciplined, routine, ordinary, yet exceptional mom to a spectacular young man who makes me love life, enjoy philosophical convos, explore new things, encourage laughter and make beautiful life-long memories together. He is my pride and my joy. He’s my happiness. And I’ve told him so since he was a wee small babe laying in bed ready to go night-night.

He’s a big guy now. Nearly 13 and full of personality, wonder, and silliness. I love every bit of it! Just as I loved watching him find his toes to watching him learn to sit up, I find joy in his development into young adulthood. Milestone and after milestone he’s just blossomed into the person he is today. Like many parents, one of the biggest milestones is cutting teeth. Oh watching, waiting and feeling for those baby teeth to come in is something so treasured and longed for. Our babies can dine with us! They can explore foods and try new things and menu options soon become endless! It’s a glorious thing to be shared by all. Photos are taken, tricks are played to encourage that new toothy grin, Grandma’s fingers, Grandpa’s fingers and everyone else in the family explore the newly developed toofers that have erupted! So much happens at this major milestone and so many adorable memories are made. From the first tooth to the last, we celebrate and create rituals and ceremonies to commemorate the adventure. 

But what about the last baby tooth? That last little bugger that holds on and waits until nearly 13 to let go and give way for the final adult tooth to break through? No celebration? No victory dance? No letters from the tooth fairy? Well, tonight my son found a splendid way to celebrate. After pulling his own last baby tooth from his mouth, he washed and dried it then wrapped it in the customary tissues. But when he couldn’t find any tape to secure the wrappings, he took to the craft closet to tie a beautiful red ribbon around it. 

He sent me a text of his final product with the sweet words “my final present to the tooth fairy”. My heart nearly split in two from the pure joy and happiness I felt at his ceremonial wrappings and sincere words.

Tonight, when I play my last role as the Tooth Fairy, I’m going to relish the opportunity to get up in the middle of the night and cautiously leave a nice sum of money under his warm pillow. I’m going to remember the times we shared watching him cut his first tooth up to tonight when he so bravely pulled his own tooth and found a unique way of celebrating the commencement of this ritual and milestone. He’s a joy to raise. A joy to love. A joy to be a mom to. He’s my greatest gift and my most treasured person. ❤️

Lovingly,

The Repressed Peach 

Face. 

You have the sweetest face I’ve ever laid eyes on. You emanate kindness, love, strength, passion, sincerity, warmth, and invitation. Your deep brown, chocolate eyes are so deep and mysteriously cave-like I just want to get lost in them. Don’t send any help. Don’t send a search and rescue team. Just let me be in your soul and linger there as long as I need to.

I love how soft and supple your skin is. I miss kissing your face and feeling the warmth of you warming my soul and igniting a fire within me. I loved the feeling of your cheek against mine while we embraced. I miss the sweet scent of you that always lingered after your departure. I can feel you now… I can feel your warmth against me. I can feel your spirit resting within mine. I can feel the press of your soul against my cheek.

Your full, smooth, sweet lips beckon me to you. I can’t help but crave your kiss. I love the swell of your lips against mine, the press of your lips on my neck or my hip, the smile that splits your lips and shows me your soul. Your beautiful white, yet not exactly perfect teeth that peek at me behind your handsome self. That sweet smile, and deep laugh, your soul resonating so deeply with me.

God do my words fail. I can see you and feel you in my mind but words do not captivate all the majesty you behold. They don’t give justice to how you, and all that you are, fits so perfectly into the me that’s me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to express myself.

I will always remember your face. I see you in my dreams. Your face is imprinted in my mind. You are etched into my soul. Always and forever.

Loving you,

The Repressed Peach

Sexy. 

When I was a freckle-faced youngster with fiery red hair and pale skin, I dreamed of who I would be as a woman. I often imagined myself as a successful, athletic, fun-spirited, well dressed, intelligent, kind, and sexy woman. I would be in the career of my dreams, happy with my life, and the apple of someone’s eye. I would be attractive. I would be head-turning. But I would remain classy and tactful in all things. I would be well spoken, well traveled, have a deep character, a rich personality, be fun yet sensible. I would be an icon of the ugly-duckling story. A rags to riches story. A blow all the statistics away story.

And I am. I’m all of these things. Yet here I am suffering through waves of heart break and questioning who I am. I’m questioning my worth. It feels so silly but so bad all at the same time. I know who I am and what I stand for but I’ve made some questionable decisions in a relationship. And I’m tearing myself up questioning. 

Does this relationship undermine all that I’ve accomplished? Does it tarnish my sexiness? Does it take away from the depth of character I’ve developed? Time will only tell I suppose, but I dare to say that I will turn this social blemish into a diamond in my crown. I will rise up. I will come up taller and stronger. I will remain just as valuable and cherished I was before and while I was in this relationship. I will be an accomplished, sexy, sophisticated woman with stories to tell and love abundant no matter the outcome of this situation. I will be no less than I was before it. I will be richer, fuller, more hungry, more alive, more well, happier and god damn sexy! I can guarantee that!

Fiercely,

The Repressed Peach

If you’re reading this… part 2

If you’re reading this I am really glad that you are. I have so much to say. 

This note may find you confused or even a little nervous so I just want you to know that everything is ok. Just take a deep breath and read. This is one note of many that you may read to give you some insight about how I’ve managed to get through this incredible year. Incredibly hard, incredibly full of amazing opportunity, incredibly full or personal growth, and amazing amounts of incredible love for you. I haven’t said a lot about everything we have gone through and the only way I could process it all was to write. 

So, I am applying to other schools and school districts to find a position elsewhere. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this, but at the end of the day we both deserve peace. I don’t like the idea that I may never see you again. I don’t like the idea that I may never hear you laugh again or see your beautiful smile. I don’t like the idea that I may never touch you again or feel the energy we share. I don’t know what is gonna come of the job applications so we may have to get through another year of trials together. It’s all up to fate to pull me elsewhere. I am not leaving because she’s asked me to and threatened me, but because I feel like I’m a thorn in your side. I feel like I’m in your way and I don’t like it. I want to empower and lift you up to live the best life you can. I want you to coach your team without a worry in the back of your mind, attend functions without stressing, I want you to live free. And you can’t with me in your daily life. Not under these circumstances anyway. So I’m working on it. I’m making my way to somewhere different. Just be patient with me as I work my way out the door. 

If you find yourself missing us, just log in here and read one of the many entries that are about you and how much I’ve loved you. You’ve given me so much…so much to hope for, so much to live for, so much to dream of. I feel an eternal spring of love that flows freely beneath the surface of who I am. Not everyone gets to travel to this place as not everyone has what it takes to get there. But you, you tapped right into it. It is magical. Rare. Beautiful in every sense. I didn’t even know I had this in me until I met you. I didn’t know the depths to which I could love another person. We love our kids unconditionally and we attempt unconditional love in other relationships, but I found that I learned how to love you unconditionally. I got mad sometimes. My feelings got hurt sometimes. I yearned for more sometimes. But when I laid my head down each night and all of that faded away, I found myself thinking of who you are and all that’s good about you and it would all come back into perspective. You’re human. You’re fallible. You’re just a man. And yet, in my heart, that made me love you more. You are real to me. You’re not a fantasy in my head. You’re not some projection of my dreams. You’re really really just you. And in you, I could feel my best. I could grow into the woman god intended me to be.