As time goes by I find new and different layers of understanding and growth as I navigate this breakup. Like an onion, it has depth and flavor unknown at first glance. So my newest realization is this… I felt like the most powerful, best, realest version of myself when we were together. The self that I had only imagined I could be, was when I was with you. I felt complete. Empowered. Emboldened. Authentic. I didn’t bust out the chameleon in me to be with you. In fact, I felt free to be myself in all aspects of our relationship. I never shied away from being honest, open, and real in all of our interactions. Whether it was a serious situation or an intimate one, I felt like you accepted all of me just as I was. And I’ve never felt that before. Never in my life. Not from my parents. Not from friends. No other relationship has allowed me to feel so free to be me, exactly as I am flaws and all. I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I also felt fully awake and alive on every level. I could feel my soul soar. I could feel the passion in my soul writhe with anticipation. I could feel my happiness swell and rise in my heart. I felt joy and peace that I’ve never experienced before. I felt strong and steady. I felt ready to take on the world with you in it and beside me. That’s the one big thing I’m gonna miss for myself, all that I felt when we were together. I miss the hell out of you for all that you are. But I miss the hell out of the me that I was when we were together. I miss her. I don’t know if I can recreate that same self without your energy. There was a symbiosis of souls between us that created a magical bond. A fusion of powers. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I just know it was rare and incredibly special. I am forever grateful to have known that depth of connection with another person.
One day I hope I will learn how to be the best version of myself without needing you. Maybe I can figure out how to harness the energy in the connection we share to fuel a permanent transformation. I don’t know. But until then, I will remember the me I was when we were together. I will remember the feeling of freedom. And I will not settle for a relationship that offers anything less.
The Repressed Peach
This has been the theme of my life for quite some time now and I just realized it this past week. Everything from my wardrobe to my relationships has revolved around my idea of accepting what it is as good enough for now. I’ve needed this mindset to survive. It was borne from a financial imperative when I first left my exhusband back in 2009 but since it’s just become a rut I’ve been stuck in.
Accepting your situation for what it is in the moment is a strong virtue. It’s a sign of strength, resilience, and understanding which I consider dope qualities in a person. At some point though, there’s an implied change that should take place due to the “for now” part of the motto. Situations should change. Dynamics should shift thereby making growth and change inherent.
So now it’s time I figure out what I want. What do I really want that makes me happy? I don’t have to sacrifice my happiness or desires anymore. I am financially stable enough to make decisions about furniture purchases. I can expand my professional attire. I can plan adventures. I can actually expect quality relationships with people and not settle for anything less than what I want. My season of “good enough for now” has reached an end. It’s the end of an era for me. It’s on to new and richer experiences without feeling guilty. It’s accepting and allowing myself to feel splendidly happy with my surroundings and my people in all aspects of my life. It’s time to accept greatness and not cheap substitutions. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go wrack up a bunch of debt achieving this new idea. No, in fact, I’m gonna make a plan. I’m gonna develop a strategy and be wise in my decisions but I’m gonna step away from the idea of self-sacrifice. I don’t have to live like that anymore.
I’m not sure if every mom goes through this or maybe every new family experiences this phenomenon, but I feel as though sacrificing our happiness for our families is good to a point. When you’ve lost love for yourself and you’re not inspired by the surroundings you’re in, then it’s time for a change. I need to love who I am and what I bring to the table. I need to celebrate me more than just on my birthday. I need to feel peace in my personal sanctuary. I need to feel freedom to experience life. I’ve limited myself out of necessity, but times have changed. If you know me then you know I’m not a plastic girl and I’m not a Betty Crocker either, I just want to live a good, happy, full, inspired life surrounded by great opportunities, genuine people, and a home that reflects the beauty of it all.
It’s been good for so long that I’m ready for great.
The Repressed Peach
My soul aches so deeply. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I dream of you every night but it brings me little happiness because I know we will never be. I watch movies with people who speak their love for each other and I let the wall fall just a bit and tears roll down my cheeks. I wonder how long it will take until all the tears have spilled. I wonder if I would’ve given voice to my feelings earlier if I would feel better. But now, I wonder if I’ll ever know how you feel about us. I have dammed up all my sadness and it hides behind tired, hurt eyes. My soul is tired. I need respite to recover from all the hurt I feel. I’ve tried ignoring it and dismissing it with cliches and optimism but there’s no mistaking the distress I’m in. I either sleep all the time or I don’t sleep at all. I can’t make myself go do anything more than necessary because I just can’t spend the energy. I need to go to the gym but I fear that I’m gonna get there and really fall apart. I fear that I won’t be able to pull my shit together when the reality hits. I may have to live my life without you in it entirely and it kills me. Just know this: I would choose you every day, every week, every month, every year for the rest of my life. I would choose us. I would choose the hilarious banter during our most intimate times. I would choose the earth shaking passion we share. I would choose the quiet, honest, intimate moments when I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I would choose us when you’d tell me all that you appreciated about me in your sweet, sexy voice resonating in my ear speaking directly to my soul. I would choose all the adventures we spoke of so often and pray for time to do them all together. I would choose us when things were difficult and we were kind and understanding of each other. I would choose us on rainy days when we could stay inside and make love, on sick days when you wouldn’t kiss me, on sunny days when my skin would burn, on foggy days when we could stay inside and watch movies, on windy days when our souls could rest and relax. I would choose us. Over and over again. Despite everything that’s happened, all I want is us. I want you.
I don’t know what more to say. The words don’t do much justice to all that I think and feel. I wish I could write down every memory and store it here for safekeeping but some things are better left to the memory of the heart. We know what we have. We know our truth. It is soul crushing to ignore and push aside. I can’t ignore how incredible I feel when we are together. I can’t ignore the sense of relief I feel when you’re around me. I can’t deny how deeply in love with you I am. I can’t do anything about any of it but hope that you read this just so you know how I feel.
I worry about you, too. I worry about your heart and soul. I pray you’re being honest with yourself and giving yourself what you need. If so, then I can only sit back and thank god that you are and pray that he remove this love from my heart. I can’t keep loving you like this with nothing in return. I deserve what we have and so much more.
The Repressed Peach
If you’re reading this then I want you to know you have the keys to my heart. I don’t share this with just anyone and it’s anonymous for a reason. So read on and learn about all the things I couldn’t say but felt so deeply. Where my voice and confidence wavered, the written word carried me through. I’ve wanted to share this with you for so long. I’ve wanted to give you access to every emotion but wondered if it was the right thing to do. And now, with nothing left to lose, I thought I would leave it all on the table. No regrets. No worries. Just pure, unadulterated, raw emotion. We may never see each other again and I will always wonder if you wanted more, but this is the place that will satisfy all of your curiosities about us. This entry isn’t the last by the way, far from it, I’m sure. You can come back and read or reread anything you want. This is ours.
So, in case I never see you again… thank you. Thank you for giving me such amazing love. God knows that the love I feel for you is nothing short of mind blowing. I find myself speechless so often. I find that words don’t really convey the depth of what I feel. It’s everything about you. It’s your essence. It’s our chemistry. It’s the small gestures. It’s the way you walk and how you laugh. I will miss hearing your voice. I will miss your smile. I will miss your swagger. So, thank you for sharing life with me for so long. Thank you for letting me learn about the kind of love that I want to have for the rest of my life. Thank you for giving me so much love that I learned to love myself for who I am. I will forever be grateful for our time and for you.
With great love,
The Repressed Peach
This space is my reprieve from expectations. On other social media platforms, I am not free. I am tied to the expectations of how I must behave as a professional, what I can and cannot say because of who my “friends” are and then there’s the trouble with whether they can read with the lens of me as a human being or if they will only read with intent to stab me in the back and cause me harm.
This space, however, allows me to speak freely. I rarely edit myself and I always speak whatever truth I am experiencing at the time. This is where the few people who know who I am, read and appreciate my craft while taking in all that I speak of. I don’t worry about you, my reader, if you’re 14 or from a different profession or of a different culture. I don’t worry about how you’ll misread my words or find them loathsome or glorious. I thought to share some exciting to me news on Facebook last night, yet in the same minute that I thought I would share I also realized, “oh wait, I can’t share that because so and so will see it.” Then I thought of the 18000 different problems that will arise because of the one wrong person that would read the message. Then there’s the conundrum of having young family connected to my social media. I cannot tell you how many times I have avoided taking action about an issue on social media because of my nephews. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not real… whatever, it’s always what I felt like was the right thing to do, except I am silencing myself. I find that I am silencing myself often for the sake of others.
Well, I need my voice. I deserve a voice just as much as the next person. Just because what I say may not be to your liking doesn’t mean it isn’t valid, valuable and essential to be said. So I am working on finding my voice. Stay tuned for experiments in speaking up!
This is my space. I welcome all my guests and readers. You are cordially invited to share this space with me, just know that you’re in for a wild ride sometimes. Hopefully, you’re inspired or sometimes moved. Maybe your perception has shifted or doors of wonder closed. But hopefully, regardless of anything else, you find unabashed truth. Maybe while you’re relishing in my truth you will experience a reprieve of your own.
The Repressed Peach
I have this deep seated need that I cannot give voice to. Angst in my soul. A restlessness that makes my soul writhe. A need so deep every cell is warring with the cell beside it trying to find solace; Seeking the very thing, emotion, corner of my body that will satisfy.
Seeking. Needing. Feeling. Hungry. Angsty.
I breathe you in and my mind alights with passion. All synapses firing. Body pulsating. Heart thrumming. Blood coursing. Electricity trickles through every nerve in my skin. Eyes dance with the sight of you. My mind and body are independent of any sense and I feel free to feel you near me. My soul grows out to you… I feel my soul reaching, needing, wanting every piece of you. The fingertips of my soul giggle in delight as they feel you reciprocate the energy. And then I relax. Everything is right.
Awake. Alive. Full. Satisfied.
You are my sustenance.
The recoil. The put it all away now. The time to leave. The angst flares back up. I feel the immediate need to connect again but then I feel so full from what we have just shared. I feel connected although we are meters or miles apart. The fingers of your soul are weaved between mine and we are unified. Stretched far and wide, we are one. Our souls know what they need. ❤
The Repressed Peach
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. The day of lovers, love, togetherness, coupledom, romance, and all the beautiful aspects of relationship. For me, tomorrow is all about what I don’t have to celebrate.
I will not get flowers. I won’t get a card. I won’t get a hug, kiss, and a “Happy Valentines Day, baby” utterance. I won’t be going out to dinner. I won’t make love to the man in my life. It won’t happen for me. I will come home to my child, make dinner, do house chores, check on my classes, do some work work, and then tuck my boy into bed before I crawl in myself. I will sleep alone in my bed and I will quietly envy the couples sharing a warm bed loving each other fiercely. Some part of me is sad. Another part is angry. And yet another part just doesn’t mind because it still has hope. I don’t know which part will manifest tomorrow, but I’m hoping for the “don’t mind” bit.
See, life has seasons. Seasons of love. Seasons of alone time. Seasons of individuality. Seasons of strife. Seasons of growth. Seasons of sadness. Seasons of happiness. Seasons of patience. Seasons of humility. Seasons of gratitude. And so many others. The good news is that nothing is permanent. That’s the bad news, too. Seasons change so while you’re in one season things are taking shape for the future. It’s all about trust and faith. This is my journey right now. It isn’t bad, it isn’t good… it just is. I have to accept it.
One day I will have my person. I will share a love unlike any before. I will relish that season when it comes and I look forward to it dearly. In the meantime, I’m going to embrace the current season and glean all that I can from it in order to prepare for the next one.
If you’re single, I wish you a peaceful season of solitude and joy in the moment. If you’re in relationship, I wish you blessings and joy in a healthy, mutual relationship which nourishes you and emboldens you to be the best version of yourself. And I wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤
The Repressed Peach