Un-.

Unloved. Unwanted. Unwell. Underprepared. Uncertain. Unfulfilled.

All of these words and more are the words I can use to describe myself as a young person. And until today my parents were unforgiven for this. See in my mind it was their fault for not being who I needed them to be when I was a child. It was their fault I felt unloved at every turn. It was their fault I felt unsupported and unwanted. It was their fault that I grew up with hardships and uncertainty. I was their fault they had addictions and predilections unfettered while trying to raise kids. It was all their fault. And I’ve honestly held them in contempt for quite some time. Because in my head there are some irrefutable truths:

Crimes against children cannot be expunged. Crimes against children cannot be forgiven. Crimes against yourself that affect children cannot be forgotten. Ever.

However, it was taught to me today, in church, that these crimes and transgressions are indeed forgivable. And since God himself has already forgiven, so shall I. It was hard to feel all the angst and anger rise up in my mind while sitting in church. I don’t like that feeling. But nearly instantly God came to my mind, calmed me, and spoke gently… forgive. Let go. Give it to me. And I saw myself knelt at his feet, crying, asking him to heal my broken heart.

It isn’t my mom’s fault she was broken and unprepared to raise three children. It wasn’t then and it isn’t now. (However, I do wish she would learn the errors of her ways and change, but that comes next.) Life for her wasn’t her fault. She made bad choices, sure, but those stemmed from deeper issues.

My dad, dead, gone and still wreaking havoc on my heart, wasn’t at fault for being an alcoholic and homeless. Again, his issues stemmed from deeper problems that weren’t his to control.

So all of these feelings of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for, and more are done. That’s how I felt then, but not how I have to feel now. And I can choose forgiveness. I can choose to forgive the crimes against me as a child. I can let go and give those issues to God because he spared me from so much even then and he spares me every day. Because although my earthly parents made me feel all the un-‘s, God provides the perfect love, the perfect grace and mercy, he provides the unconditional support and favor, he alone provides all that I need, or needed when I was a child. He was there every step of the way, shielding my heart, mind and body from all the terrors that could’ve been. He definitely delivered me from all the terrors that were.

So today, I am relinquishing all of the unforgiveness that I have harbored. I’m choosing forgiveness today and every day forward because I no longer want to hurt and be hurt by past transgressions. I’m done with it. I give it all to God to help me heal and be better tomorrow than I was today. I release all the un-‘s and wish to see all the possibilities of the “I am…”.

Dad, I forgive you for being less than what I expected and needed. I forgive you and release all of my hurt. Rest in heaven among the angels and be at peace.

Mom, I forgive you for not being all I needed and wanted in a mother. I forgive you for the hurt and pain you’ve caused. I choose to release all of my pent up anger and frustration and choose to rely on God for guidance about how to help you see God’s grace and mercy in your life. I look forward to the healing I will feel in this.

Sincerely yours,

The Repressed Peach

Moms and daughters.

I try to be a good daughter, I really do, but my mother makes it so hard to be around her sometimes. She is difficult, anxious, complains a lot, mumbles, doesn’t communicate well or choose her words wisely, she’s too loud, she’s discourteous, she makes assumptions, she’s often rude and judgmental of others, she’s just a mess all around.

But, I help. I try to help soften her edges. I talk quietly, or at a tone lower than usual, hoping she’ll catch on. I try and remain calm so she reflects my energy. I try to speak kindly and ask questions. I try to have conversation with her that doesn’t make her fly off on some wild tangent that makes her loud, furious, and out of control. I work to make sure her needs are anticipated when out to eat so she doesn’t speak rudely to the wait staff because of her insanely high expectations that can never be met. I try and help her find the words she needs when her mind is buzzing in twelve directions and she can’t utter a coherent sentence. I try and help her find confidence and comfort where I can. But for some reason she doesn’t soften, she doesn’t appreciate efforts to add value and wellness to her life. She doesn’t see kindness in action, she listens for negativity and provocation.

Since I’ve been visiting this week, I’ve cooked several meals. I’ve even bought some of the groceries for those meals. I’ve done countless loads of dishes. Deep cleaned the kitchen. I’ve cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom. I’ve swept, dusted, washed walls, scrubbed mirrors, and hung pictures throughout her home. I tried to fix a minor plumbing issue. I’ve washed off the driveway. I’ve rearranged a bedroom. I’ve manipulated her tiny ferocious beasts with treats so they don’t bite me or my son (she has three Yorkies that are rather out of control). I’ve tidied up here and there as I see something, but have been careful not to be rude or off putting. I’ve yet to hear a thank you or a word/gesture of appreciation. I’ve ensured that I’ve picked up after myself and my son well so that nobody else would have to. I’ve also organized her mail that was spread throughout the house in various areas (counter top, kitchen, under baskets, in a craft basket, shoved in a bag, etc). I’ve sorted her bills so she knows what she has to pay. I’ve helped her develop business cards for this side hustle she’s got going on that I don’t think will profit much but I’m glad she’s doing something creative and positive. She might prove me wrong and make a killing on these things (homemade mumus and hair fascinators), but we shall see. I’ve helped her set up a financial tracking account through a website so she can track profits and expenses for her new hobby. I’ve also spent time with my son, grandmother, nephews, niece, sister, and sister in-law while my mom worked and then communicated with her all day about what’s happening while she’s away. Seriously, what more could a daughter do to help?

Yet, I’m a mean hater for saying the homemade mumus are not my style or something I’m into and that wearing flowers in my hair while I wear jeans and T-shirt’s isn’t my thing either. Not my style. And that’s ok. But it isn’t you see? I have to be excited about what she wants me excited about for her or nothing else matters. It’s infuriating. I can’t just be honest, yet kind without being talked at and nearly yelled at for being a “hater”. It’s so damn dumb. After all else I’ve done just in this week alone, I’m terrible for not loving her handiwork for myself. I love that she’s being creative. I love she’s trying to develop a talent. I love she’s finding herself curious and entertained. I love she’s busy being productive. I truly do. I’m just too practical to want to buy things I won’t wear or don’t like. And I’ve said all of this, yet all she hears is “I don’t like it”.

This is the thing: I’ve only ever wanted a healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationship with my mother. I’ve never wanted to be a leech or be her co-dependent other. I want her happy on her own and in her own right, and within reason. We can’t expect happiness to just manifest without any work though, so I want her to take responsibility for her wellness and seek support through appropriate channels (therapy, exercise classes, etc). I want her to live a good life full of nice enough things, money in the bank, friends in her phone list, and family who are well and engage with her as typical, healthy families would. Wellness is a huge thing right now. She’s very unhealthy in many ways and she’s “doing things about it” but only gets more pills to swallow. She’s up to 11 different meds and recently thought she was in the early stages of Parkinson’s because she has bradykinesia (hand shaking) but wasn’t told that by her doc, she looked it up on the Google and diagnosed herself with this. She’s a smoker. She has kidney issues. She doesn’t exercise. She doesn’t do anything to promote wellness or health in her body or mind. She’s in a constant state of anxiety and stress which is self induced, mostly. She’s lived a hard life as an adult, she’s made those choices herself though. Jumped from one unhealthy relationship to another, chose drugs and alcohol, got pregnant as a teen, dropped out of high school, moved away from her loving family, moved across the country with three small children and no money or job… she’s chosen this life. And she still chooses it. She’s making life hard for herself on purpose or something. I will never understand. But I will continue to do what I can to try and persuade her to live a better life. Live an easier life for no other reason than she can.

It’s hard watching someone you want to connect with and love spend so much precious time wasting it with such negativity and angst. It’s so sad and heartbreaking. When she does what will her legacy be? What will she have left behind for others to remember or see? What mark has she made on the world that will be remembered for years to come long after she’s passed? I have yet to figure that out exactly, but I fear it might be sadness and hurt.

She has time to turn all this around. She has time to make right her wrongs and choose life, love, and wellness. She just has to want it and then do something about it. I have to pray she sees her options and finds her way through this stage. She’s lived too long to continue fighting against obstacles that aren’t there or those she’s created.

Unlike my dad and my step dad who are both gone and there’s no hope for a different relationship, my mom is here and I have to hope she will choose wellness one day so we can have a better, happier, healthier relationship for the remainder of her life. 🙏🏼

The Repressed Peach

Chosen

Thank you to all the people who have chosen me in my life.

From my first boyfriend who gave me all of our many firsts to my ex-husband who at least chose me for a time at least I was chosen and wanted at some point in my life by someone. Someone who wanted me and chose to commit to me and building a life with me for whatever time we had.

I don’t know if I will ever have that again with anyone so I can’t help but be grateful for the times I was chosen as a partner as someone desirable to have around. Whatever my flaws or features, I was wanted.

The callous that’s been protecting my heart for so long is falling away. Just as I prayed it would. And as it falls further and further away there’s a lot of pain and sadness. Feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel and thoughts I haven’t allowed myself to think. Now they come crashing in like a damn tsunami. Such it is.

I’m sad sometimes. I am scared sometimes. But I’m always alone. I want a relationship with someone who chooses me every day. I want flowers for no reason. I want birthday presents from the one who loves me. I want vacations and date nights. I want a life partner who will walk alongside me and encourage me in our journey. I want to wake up and feel the warmth of his body in my bed. I want to feel his strong body next to mine. I want to watch him sleep and be the first thing he sees when he wakes.

One day, maybe I will be blessed with a loving, long-lasting, blessed by God relationship where I will feel wholly accepted, deeply loved, and chosen. And I will choose him. Every day. Every moment. For all of my remaining breaths and beyond, I will choose my partner and invest in us with every action, thought, and dream. Just as I would hope for him to do the same for us. One day, I want to forget what it felt like to feel alone, scared and sad. I want to forget the feelings but hold dearly to the lessons so as to never feel this way again. I want to build with someone. I want to build down, not out, not up, but down deep… grow roots and find water, let the tendrils of love sink deep and far into the souls we share and interweave so firmly as to never be broken or unbound. I want the depth of unconditional love for my partner, similar to that love of a child; deep, unbreakable, unconditional, altruistic, peaceful, wholesome love that restores faith, breeds hope, and is strong enough to endure growing pains and struggle that is innate to all relationships.

I will lift my eyes to God and rely on Him and his timing to make this a reality. He knows the needs of my heart and he will deliver in his own time and him own way. I will keep dreaming and hoping for the day when He answers. ❤️🙏🏼

Prayerfully,

The Repressed Peach

Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Advocacy

I have a severe issue with self-advocacy.

It seems that I can stick up for other people really well. I can help them with their own issues. I can support them by being a great listener and even offering sound bits of advice as appropriate. With my child I am a staunch advocate for him that he is taken care of and respected well by adults and children alike. However, when it comes to me and what I need, I have a hard time asking for it. I have a hard time drawing the proverbial line in the sand about what I will allow to happen to me in my life. I have decent boundaries though, which is a good first step, but past that when looking at how I allow people to treat me is very poor. I know on a cognitive level that I don’t deserve the treatment. I don’t deserve the snide remarks. I don’t deserve being dis-invited to weddings or being left out of special ceremonies. I can think of no specific thing that I have done that would warrant such actions against me. Even asking why I was dis-invited or being left out causes me a ton of anxiety. I feel as though I am asking things that I don’t deserve to ask or that I am out of line for thinking I deserve to be treated differently than what I am. As a counselor I know that this line of thinking is absurd. I cognitively know something different than what I believe yet I feel powerless to change my thinking.

I want to be able to say to someone, “Hey, you know when you said/did/asked _______? I wonder where that was coming from because I was hurt/angry/confused/sad, etc. Can you give me some more insight about that situation.” I just don’t have the confidence in myself right now to do that and I’m not sure why. Strange how I can teach others to do just that and ask themselves to believe in their truths, trust their feelings, go with their heart, make no apologies for themselves, and yet here I sit writing this post wondering why I cannot take my own advice. Why can’t I ask the hard questions? Why can’t I face the truth head on? Why can’t I ask someone to treat me better/different because I am worthy?

As I have thought through all of this I think it is all rooted in fear. I fear rejection. I fear the unequivocal truths that will result. I fear people thinking I am better than I am. I fear being disappointed by my own actions. I fear overstepping boundaries or some social rule that I am not aware of. And I know that I shouldn’t be so afraid. Surely, so much of this is miscommunication and misunderstanding or even lack of information. Conversely, when someone has an issue with me or I have committed some perceived grave injustice then I am quick to hop on the issue at hand and address it. I don’t want others to harbor any ill will toward me about an unfortunate issue and I want to address it head on. Not all things that come up warrant a reaction though so I choose my battles. I am constantly aware of how my behavior and words affect others and I go to great pains to ensure that I cause them no unrest. Am I perfect? Read any other post in this blog and you will find evidence to the contrary.  So I am not perfect, not by any stretch. However, I know I work to prevent issues and I work to resolve the ones I cause.

My inability to advocate for myself is causing me unhappiness. I am internalizing the misperceptions and miscommunications and harboring them as evidence that I am unacceptable, unloved, disregarded, inconvenient, and unworthy. I am allowing my inability to speak up for myself to turn into some sour attitude which then seeps out at the most inopportune times. Maybe I’m feeling a little too vulnerable and I say something out of character. Or maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude and I lash out in frustration. I feel the sticky ugliness of these pent up feelings residing within my heart and soul and they’re making me ill. I feel the well rising and it’s about to crest. I have to change this behavior and my thinking around it so that I can be well and feel free to express myself appropriately. This is just one of many things that I wish to improve upon. Any sage advice or tips are welcome.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Never better!

Baby I’ve never felt better! I’m over the moon in love with you. In love with your body. In love with the way you touched me last night. In love with the passion we shared and all the intimate moments created that are beyond words and comprehension. You’ve never made love to me like you did last night. We went places in our connection that we’ve only brushed the surface of before but last night we dove head first into the pool. No restrictions. No moment of pause. No breaks or time outs. We just went to that place and stayed for over an hour.

I’ve replayed each moment in my mind at least a 100 times and find myself relishing every single second. Beyond the physical, I enjoyed every unspoken moment shared, every feeling we felt and caused in each other. Those are the moments that make my heart swell and brim full of love for you. The waves of passion and ecstasy sweep through me over and over again. And like every time before, I feel so satisfied yet I long for more. I want to be with you, beside you… I want to talk about last night and kiss you while we recount the moments. I want to weave my fingers between yours and feel the power of your strength fulfilling me. My body aches in all the right places from the sexcapade we enjoyed. A wonderful experience I haven’t had in nearly 10 years! And my god was it worth the wait!

I wish I knew how to put into words what magic we weave. I feel so much, long for so much, love so much but it’s all indescribable. It’s just amazing. Maybe someone outside of us can see it and explain it but every time I even try I feel like I’m just dancing on the edge of epitome but can no more fully reach the idea than I can reach out and touch the stars. The beauty and majesty are just as pure and true as the stars in the night sky. Very present, very real and so incredibly magical. You are my magic man baby. 😊 You’re my love. I know you enjoyed our time together just as much. Yesterday morning and late last night we made some magic love together and played hard together. And god was it amazing!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me baby. I can’t wait until next time! ❤️

Love you always,

The Repressed Peach