Happy birthday baby

πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ Happy happy birthday!!! πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

Goodness do I wish I could wake up next to you on this rainy, cool morning so I could wake you up with a ton of kisses and love on you! I would make you breakfast in bed and sit with you while we talk. Then we could take a shower together and have fun kissing under the warm running water with soap bubbles tickling our skin. I would love to share your birthday with you all day and make memories of our own. Make you feel special and loved. Make you laugh. Make your heart smile. Make you feel like the king that you are. Maybe we could go out for a nice dinner and go dancing or have a big dinner party with friends. I would love to do anything that would make you happy and let you feel all the love I have to give. I would love to cherish and adore you all day long.

I thank god you were given life. I thank god you’re still part of my life. I thank god that you share yourself with me and enjoy the easy connection we share. I love those beautiful brown eyes that are filled with happiness when you look at me. I love your beautiful smile that beams with pleasure and deep satisfaction.

I love love love love love YOU!!

I’m wishing you a beautiful, blessed, great birthday today!! I can’t wait to hear all about it!

Love you baby,

The Repressed Peach

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So tell me about yourself…

Well let me tell you… I don’t really have a good response to an inquiry of this nature. What do you want to know? What are you curious about? What suppositions have you made about me that I can refute for you?

The basics. Let’s start there.

I moved around quite a bit as a young child. I grew up mostly in Arizona but I have a few formative years in Tennessee as well as Wisconsin.

Abuse was rampant in my household. As the eldest child of three I was witness to many atrocities of the human condition. Physical abuse. Sexual abuse. Drug abuse. Extreme poverty. Homelessness. Endangered children. Dirty, hungry, sad children. Children with no parenting. It was an awful environment. One that I knew I needed to remove myself from. School became my refuge. Teachers were my confidants. I sought solace in my friends and their parents. Life continued this way for the majority of my upbringing.

When I turned 18 I got my first tattoo. Two weeks later I graduated high school. Two weeks after that I moved out of my mom’s house. Six months later I moved back to Wisconsin with $400 in my pocket and my Honda Civic hatchback packed to the hilt. I drove myself across the country during a time in which cell phones were not common or affordable. With nowhere to officially live and no job, I started a life of my own on my own. My aunt helped me find roommates and let me sleep on her sofa for a couple weeks until I got connected. Within a couple days I landed four different jobs in various industries. This was early January 1998 so it was cold and snowy but my Arizona blood quickly acclimated to the new environment. Soon after my arrival in Wisconsin I got the itch to get into college. I didn’t know anything about how to apply for college. I didn’t know how I could pay for it. I didn’t know where to even start. As a first generation high school graduate from an impoverished family, I hadn’t the faintest idea about what college entailed or how I was supposed to gain access to the enchanted buildings that seemed to only open for those magic wand bearing individuals with silver spoons dangling from their nectar-laden lips. I just knew education was what I needed. Somehow I managed to enroll in community college and earned a couple credits in early childhood education. I finally had health insurance through my employer and had dental coverage too so one day I went the dentist for a routine cleaning and the hygienist asked me about school. I told her about my few classes at community college. She then proceeded to tell me about her daughter who had joined the Air National Guard to get her education paid for. I hadn’t ever even heard of the Guard or the Air Force for that matter. Truly I thought it was just something from Top Gun… I had no idea it was a real branch of the military. So, within two weeks of that conversation with the hygienist I went to the Recruiter and enlisted in the US Air Force. Not the reserves, not the Guard, but active duty US Air Force. And so began the best chapter of the rest of my life. Although I separated from the military eight years ago, I feel as though it was the absolute best decision of my life. I’m still reaping the rewards of enlistment all these years later. In fact, it would’ve been 18 years ago this past July that I started my military career. Boy does time fly when life is happening like it should and good things are taking place.

To date, I’ve been in education for seven years and going into my 8th academic year. I have held many positions in education so far. Special education inclusion teacher, English teacher, special education department chairperson, assistant soccer coach, head soccer coach, class sponsor, ARD Facilitator, and now, my current position as school counselor. I’ve spent my time serving in education in various forms and while I’ve been here for some time I feel like I’m still getting to know who I am and how to function. Part of that is all of the changes I’ve had but all of them have been good for me; I’ve grown and learned so much. Regarding my current role as counselor I feel like I have finally achieved my ultimate goal. I’ve dreamed of this day for years. I can remember all the way back to fifth grade and talking with my friend about what I wanted to be when I grew up and distinctly remember saying I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to work with kids who have faced the problems I had as a kid. I wanted to be for someone else what my teachers were for me and MORE! I toyed with the idea a couple times and thought maybe I would be a child psychologist or something but quickly went back to counseling when I realized psychologists only wrote prescriptions and research papers. Not my cup of tea. At all. I want to talk. I want to provide guidance. I want to cry alongside my students and listen with open ears and heart. I want to connect them to the agencies who can help. I want to guide them through the college or career paths they will face. I want to walk alongside them as they choose their paths for adulthood. So here I am… ready, willing, and very capable of giving everything they need and want to be successful young people.

Here are a few random things about me:

I have six tattoos. I want a couple more.

I have been skydiving.

I have gone on two humanitarian missions with the military.

I know more about the human eye than most anyone wants to know.

I have had two miscarriages and have one living teenage child.

I love the Green Bay Packers, San Antonio Spurs and the UW Badgers.

I’m a sports fan and enjoy watching nearly all sports.

I played soccer in high school and on an adult co-ed league.

I’ve played quite a few other sports too.

I’m Christian but not religious.

I believe in light, love, faith, good karma, warm nights, hot baths, cold drinks, strong hugs, the giggle of babies, and true love heal all that ails our world.

Motherhood is the best gift God ever gave me.

Garbage in=garbage out. I cannot watch videos or movies depicting humans defiling other humans in any shape or form. It isn’t entertainment to me and it poisons my heart and soul. I have to protect my soul from evils like that.

I’m not perfect (read any other post in this blog for evidence) but I aim to be a good person and do right by others.

I’m passionate about what I believe and rejoice in it often.

Few people truly know me although many think they have me pegged.

I’m constantly brewing with ideas and theories about endless facets of the human condition although I have no audience or group in which to volley those ideas.

I’ve been in love 3 times but only one man holds the keys to my heart and he’s the man of my dreams although he isn’t mine.

Married once and divorced once.

I’ve secretly (well not so much anymore I guess…) thought I was capable of being a bodybuilder.

The home I live in is the first home I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve always had to live in other people’s homes but never my own until now. And I built it.

I rarely get sick.

I love spicy food, Thai food, hearty meals, and light fare.

I like a good beer, Crown Royal and Dr Pepper, or glass of wine for special occasions or in social situations. Otherwise my favorite beverages are coffee, Dr. Pepper and unsweet iced tea.

My real dad and step dad have both died.

I don’t suffer any addictions.

I cry easily and often. When I laugh, when I’m sad, touched by a song or gesture, kindness, a good song, spiritual movements, and more.

I love to read.

I love to learn.

I’m not a great cook but can make some mean peach cobbler.

I’m a great teacher and decent writer.

I try to always remember where I came from so I never lose sight of where I’m going.

Humility and kindness go very far in any situation.

And to put my feather in my cap, my son thinks I’m pretty dope, a great mom and that I understand him better than anyone.

I don’t know if any of this will develop into anything more but I think it’s important to sometimes sit back and take stock of who you are and what you’re about. I feel like I’ve been reacting a lot lately and it was high time for introspection.

Humbly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Humility or something…

So I have achieved my life dream. I literally have accomplished the goal I’ve been working toward for more than a decade. So you’d think that I would feel some kind of way, right? Like it would settle into my brain and I would feel a sense of relief, peace, honor, pride, confidence, etc., right? For instance, when an athlete achieves a time goal or distance goal isn’t there this insane confidence boost and euphoric experience? For some reason I feel some of these emotions but I feel disconnected from the rest of them. It’s like I know what I’ve done and where I am but it’s not registering. Maybe it’s shock… maybe I didn’t think I would get to this point in my life or maybe I don’t know why I deserve the opportunity. I can’t figure out the disconnection. Don’t get me wrong, I am on cloud nine and feeling very excited about my new career. I’m grateful for my new team and leadership staff. I feel welcome and happy. But it’s like two different phases of me… one side knows what it knows and the other feels something but it’s like they’re separate events or actions. Maybe my head and heart haven’t made the distance to make a connection yet. It’s just all so surreal. I feel like I’m in a dream and it’s the best dream ever and the reality hasn’t settled into my conscience. What is it that keep me from connecting the two pieces more easily? Is it because I’m humble? It is because I have a self-deprecating narrative? Is it because I’m in shock? Or fear? Is there something I haven’t realized yet? Is it a protective measure so I don’t experience disappointment if something goes wrong? Sometimes I feel so confused by why I can’t process the good things that happen to me better than, or just as good as, the things that challenge me or cause setbacks. I’m not a toot-my-own-horn kind of gal. I don’t need a lot of fanfare or attention. In fact, just a kind word or pat on the back is enough for me. Truthfully though, this accomplishment seems bigger than that. I feel like I would celebrate someone else to the nth degree if they had accomplished what I have and yet I’m back here playing it cool and just excited to get to work. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is there anything wrong with me? Maybe I just need time to let it all sink in and then I’ll be able to relish in the achievement. And maybe I need to just stop and pray to God for delivering on my prayers in many ways.

Insightfully,

The Repressed Peach

Reckless love.

I heard a phrase today “reckless love” and it touched my soul. This word has two connotations; one is that it’s a bad thing, reckless like a reckless driver who causes problems on the highway and byways they put people in danger, but then there’s the other kind of reckless, reckless in the way that I don’t hold back and I don’t cast doubt on my own emotions and so in this way reckless love has a positive connotation to it. That’s the kind of love that I feel for you. It doesn’t matter if I’m safe, it doesn’t matter what I get back, it doesn’t matter my comfort level in loving you. I don’t second-guess my love, I don’t doubt it, I don’t even really try to control it. And while it may seem foolish or stupid to some, to me it’s the only way I know how to truly love somebody. I can’t say that I’ve been this reckless with love in the past but I can definitely say this is the type of reckless love that I want to have for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to play it safe, I don’t want to play it cool, I want to love without boundaries, I want to love without holding anything back not even a single solitary piece of me do I want to hold back. I believe this reckless love is very similar to if not identical to unconditional love. There is no condition upon which my love for you begins or ends. There’s nothing you can do or some character flaw that you might have that can cause it to cease. If my love for you ever ceases it will only be because something made that love have to go away or transform into energy elsewhere but will never be because of anything you’ve done or anything of the sort. This all seems really simple for me and how I choose to love and how I express my love, but I wonder if anybody has ever loved me like this? I wonder if any level of this emotion is ever been reciprocated. But maybe that’s not of my business either.

Recklessly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Therapy.

There’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Some people hate it, other people judge it, other people think it’s a novel idea but isn’t very effective and others even yet think it’s all just hocus-pocus, but for me, for me it was my life blood for 2 1/2 years. Every week I spent one hour with my therapist and in those minutes just 60 short minutes I solved problems in my head and in my heart and my soul that had been festering for years and years and years. Lots of abuse. Lots of doubt. Lots of self loathing. Troubled relationships. You name it I was going through it. So when I started therapy I didn’t really know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was going to get but in more ways than one it saved my life. It is the best investment in myself that I’ve ever made. 2 1/2 years, one hour a week and I never missed a session. I did better in therapy than I do in the gym but I was dedicated to my wellness at that time. I knew that if my mind was right my body would follow and that it did.

I bumped into my therapist tonight at a celebration party for my new counseling position at a local high school. I haven’t seen my therapist since my last session in December 2010 and so it was a very happy reunion. She was out celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family while I was celebrating with my friends and colleagues for my new position. I happened to look across the pavilion and there she sat so of course I got up and I walked over and I gently touched her arm and I said hi, she immediately got up and just embraced me of the greatest hug and she exclaimed my name and told me how she was so happy to see me, how often she thought of me and the 2 1/2 years we spent in therapy together. I gave her a brief rundown of all my successes recently and many accomplishments since our time together and she was just overjoyed. I could see in her face that she was happy for me and she told me she was proud of me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and proclaim their love for me or affection for me or even that they like me, I feel like my therapist, even though 10 years have passed since we sat across the room from each other and had a conversation she knows me, the true me, better than anybody. I would love to have that type of trusting relationship in my day-to-day life that doesn’t have to happen behind closed doors and doesn’t have to be relegated to just an hour a week of undivided attention and dedicated time to listen to what I have to say and really hear me. I look forward to a day when I have a partner in my life who I can talk to at any given moment, someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can share my passion with, someone I can wonder about all the wonders of the world with, and they’ll just listen and hopefully talk to me too but listen with a smile on their face and not be irritated or put off or annoyed by my brain. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes writing them down in this blog only goes so far. Yeah I have the international readers that are joining me from places like Turkey and Bangladesh and Scandinavia but really I need faces and I want dialogue and I want relationship between people. I miss that deeply and I feel like the further and further away I get from true relationships with other people the more isolated I become and the harder it is to bridge that gap.

So maybe I’m at a point where I might be facing time in therapy again. I might need to go and some kinks out in my character and sort out some misconceptions that maybe I have about myself or what my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. Maybe it’s time for the proverbial “tuneup”, if you will. That might actually be a really good idea. Maybe while I’m at it, maybe I’ll put just as much effort into my physical health as what I’m willing to put in for my mental health.

Therapy is powerful. Therapy is effective. And as Dr. Ray Wooten, one of my professors said, “all counselors are wounded healers.” Maybe I’m a little wounded right now so maybe I need to go get some healing of my own.

What a serendipitous meeting of two kindred souls tonight. I thank God for this encounter. And I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life. As well as all of the many opportunities I’ve been given at every stage of my life and every person who has helped me grow and become a better version of who I am today. My therapist was a critical contributor in helping to shape who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that time and for her insights to help me be the best version of myself that I can be.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Waking up to you…

Here it is the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. You were in my dreams large as life and the emotion and sense of you so strong it me woke up.

It was my first day at my new school. I was on time and ready to work. As I walked through the halls headed to my office, you turned a corner and walked right to me, smiled, said Good Morning, and gave me a hug. I was surprised you were there to greet me. I didn’t have any idea you were gonna do that so I was pleasantly taken aback. As you walked away to go to your own school, you turned and gave me one of your big beautiful smiles and told me bye. It set my heart ablaze with so much love for you. I felt full of happiness, surprise, love, excitement and gratitude.

While the dream lasted just a few moments and just this one interaction took place it was so powerful for me. I love your support in my successes. I love how you lift me up and praise my work baby. With the new job coming up soon I am excited to get started so I can work with kids and get myself established but I also hope for some unexpected blessings and surprises just like what I dreamed of. Flowers or cards would be nice but seeing you would be better. ❀️

I love you babe. Always.

The Repressed Peach

Life goal: achieved.

Time to level up y’all. πŸ’―

I finally got my dream job!! I’ve been hired as a high school guidance counselor at a local school district! This is my ultimate life goal ACHIEVED!!

Ya know that Drake song “Started from the bottom”? Yeah well that just became my life theme song!! I sure as hell started at the bottom and now I’ve achieved my life’s goal doing my life’s work, living the dream! I couldn’t be happier or more excited! I feel the vibe flowing through my veins and happiness washing over me. I am on Cloud 9 and then some!

Now I’m ready to turn up and turn out, let the realest version of me be on full display.

A new version is borne at every turn but his is the ultimate transformation and achievement.

And it’s all about my why… kids. Every day it’s about being a voice for the voiceless and advocating for the disenfranchised. It’s the reason God made me.

Onward and upward my friends… oh wait… I’ve reached the top!! Now to enjoy the view and soak up the learning from my journey!

Peace! πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ€“

The Repressed Peach