More…

So I’ve been letting Friday sink in a little more and my God I couldn’t be happier. 😊I find myself thinking so many thoughts and wanting to ask a million questions but when you’re there, standing right in front of me, I can’t say a word. In fact, it’s amazing to me that when you walk into a room my mind stops thinking about anything else entirely. It’s like I need to just be in your presence and soak up the time. Nothing else matters. Nothing else can enter my mind. Time stops and my world is you. And in some strange way, just by doing that, all my questions get answered anyway. I don’t need to hear you say anything. I can feel you. I can feel you sharing your answers to every question I can think up and then some. Everything falls into place and my world is right again. I never imagined feeling like this about anyone before. It’s more than what the best romance movies portray or the best novels. It’s so much more.

Today I thought of how people can bring out the best in someone or the worst. I thought of all the ways you make me whole. You make me better. You inspire me. You motivate me. You make my soul smile in ways it’s never smiled before. You’ve helped me grow into the woman I am today. I can’t say that anything about you has been bad for any part of me. Even my heart, despite our trials, you’ve made my heart grow and find new depths from which to love you. It’s all so incredible.

I can only pray you feel a fraction of what I feel but then again, I know. I know you do. I feel it in your smile and in the taste of your kiss. ❤️

Sleep well baby. I’ll see you again.

Love always,

The Repressed Peach

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Soul food.

Ahh! It’s insane that it’s been nearly a year since we’ve seen each other and yet we picked right back up where we had left off. Space and time has done nothing to lessen the intensity of my feelings for you or the effect you have on my heart and soul. Thank you for seeing me and spending quality time with me catching up and connecting. Your voice was music to my ears, your laugh made my heart soar, your hug made me feel alive again. It was truly a great time enjoying you. It felt so good to feel like me again. The true me. The full and fulfilled me. The me that’s me when I’m with you. ❤️ I hope you had just as good of a time and enjoyed me too.

The beautiful thing about today is that it was beautiful and so magical. And I am so happy to have what we had today and not need anything more. I would love to have more days just like today with you. I would love to hear all your thoughts and wishes. And I would love to share the world with you. But I’m happy. So happy and satisfied with what today brought. I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow.

I have so much to process still. More to come on this one baby.

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

Happy again

I wrote a post a couple months ago about this sense of sadness that was the undertone for all other emotions. And you know it’s been a minute since I’ve felt true happiness. I can’t say that I’m entirely there just yet, but I can say that I’m definitely on the upswing. I haven’t felt the need to cry humongous alligator tears over my heartache. I don’t feel a deep sense of foreboding. I don’t feel the full weight of the breakup on my shoulders every day. My thoughts aren’t consumed anymore. The songs I listen to speak to all aspects of my life instead of just my heart. Conversations I have don’t spark an immediate memory of us. It’s a good shift. It is a shift supported by some doctor prescribed chemical compounds that have altered my perception but I’m feeling some possible long term effects.

What we had will never be less than it was. Never. No matter how much time passes, what anyone says, or what we do about it… it will always be the best 5 years of my entire life. I will always relish our days, moments, sacred times. I will hold you close to my heart forever. I have just found that it’s not necessary for me to be sad anymore. I can be happy and still love you. I can be happy and still wish you happiness I can be happy and move forward with life. I’m working on the depths of happiness in the facets of life. Like finding happiness in the breeze outside, the beautiful melody of the wind-chime, the cool fresh air on my skin, a freshly made bed of clean sheets, the giggle of a baby nearby, a cold strong drink after a hard day’s work, and so much more. Happiness is being found in the usual moments of the gift of life God has given me. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m blessed. And I’m peacefully happy.

I’m still a work in progress. Far from a finished masterpiece with many layers left to discover about myself and the world around me, and with fortitude, peace, happiness and good friends, I will find a deep spring of happiness that will run my whole life long.

Lovingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

If you’re reading this…

If you’re reading this then I want you to know you have the keys to my heart. I don’t share this with just anyone and it’s anonymous for a reason. So read on and learn about all the things I couldn’t say but felt so deeply. Where my voice and confidence wavered, the written word carried me through. I’ve wanted to share this with you for so long. I’ve wanted to give you access to every emotion but wondered if it was the right thing to do. And now, with nothing left to lose, I thought I would leave it all on the table. No regrets. No worries. Just pure, unadulterated, raw emotion. We may never see each other again and I will always wonder if you wanted more, but this is the place that will satisfy all of your curiosities about us. This entry isn’t the last by the way, far from it, I’m sure. You can come back and read or reread anything you want. This is ours.

So, in case I never see you again… thank you. Thank you for giving me such amazing love. God knows that the love I feel for you is nothing short of mind blowing. I find myself speechless so often. I find that words don’t really convey the depth of what I feel. It’s everything about you. It’s your essence. It’s our chemistry. It’s the small gestures. It’s the way you walk and how you laugh. I will miss hearing your voice. I will miss your smile. I will miss your swagger. So, thank you for sharing life with me for so long. Thank you for letting me learn about the kind of love that I want to have for the rest of my life. Thank you for giving me so much love that I learned to love myself for who I am. I will forever be grateful for our time and for you.

With great love,

The Repressed Peach

Congrats baby

I’ve watched your season unfold this year and I couldn’t be happier for you! Congratulations on yet another district championship and progressing toward your ultimate goal of a state championship win!! I’m pulling for you through and through. It’s been hard to sit back and watch from behind the computer screen and not go to your games to support you. I know you don’t need me there though and that’s the easy part of staying home. I know it’s better for you that my absence is known because you feel relief in that. My support for you is unwavering though no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I will continue to pray for you and your team and that all your professional and personal goals come true. God’s grace will continue to abound in your life and I pray for continued peace and happiness in all aspects.

🎉Cheering for my favorite team! 🎉

Onward and upward, my love! ❤️

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

A little about everything.

I realized something as I listened to Kenny Chesney belt out one of his famous tunes “Me and You” this morning, I realized that I never shared any of my true feelings with you. I did things and I wrote messages that eluded to how I felt, I even said I love you, but I never sat you down and spoke all of my feelings aloud. I kept all of it to myself because I didn’t feel like it was fair to put you in that impossible situation where you couldn’t say anything back or even accept the information. Maybe I was keeping it from you so I wouldn’t have to face the rejection that I was certain would come if you knew how deeply I felt for you. See, the love I have for you is about who you are and who I am when we are together. It is based on nothing but the purest form of true love. It’s not about the things we did, places we went, stuff we bought for each other, no… it was more than that. People who have only had conventional relationships can’t comprehend this. They don’t understand that what we shared was more than expensive, lavish dinners out on the town and it was more than any amount of money in the bank. It was how you held me and made me feel beautiful, it was the caramel brown of your eyes peering back at me with love, the strength of your hand in mine, the stretch of your body along my back, the whisper of your voice in my ear and your warm breath tickling my neck, it was the excitement of seeing your truck pull in to your parking space at work or my driveway, it was the anticipation of your good morning text messages and love notes throughout the day. All this and more is what made the love in my soul abound from places unknown.

Some people think I fell in love with you because you were convenient but I couldn’t disagree more. Our relationship wasn’t convenient. It was complex. It was difficult to make this work yet we figured out how to manage a beautiful, full, intense, romantic, kind, loving, fulfilling, exciting relationship for nearly five years despite all obstacles. It wasn’t convenient for either of us yet we had something more precious than I’ve ever known. I fathom you feel the same. We overcame a lot to be together and we worked together better than two people ever could.

My friends feel sad for me because they think I should have this love in my life and I should be allowed to live happily ever after with you. I dunno. Maybe your feelings for me aren’t the same, or maybe they are but you can’t do anything about them for whatever reasons you have. See, the joy in feeling this deeply is that I am free to feel…if I allow myself to anyway. You, however, have to hide your feelings and tuck them away for private moments. I don’t know how you’re doing and I wish I did. I feel like I can feel your sadness about us; maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. I feel like there’s this part of you that misses us and you wish you could feel it all again just one more time. Just one more kiss, hug, or even a long gaze into each other’s eyes. I hunger for it too. For me, happily ever after is a strange thing, because I will forever be happy that you were this love for me and I will relish every moment we shared, yet I know I will have to move on and put these emotions away. I don’t really look forward to that day, but maybe the process will just take time and I will come to terms with it as life moves forward. I will always carry a bit of wonder and sadness about what might’ve been for us because I just know we would’ve been powerful and forever.

You know this morning as I woke up I felt this gloomy shadow come over me. I’ve been feeling it for some time but haven’t given it much voice yet. I have happy moments and I have sad moments but I am not happy. In fact I am sad and I’m angry that I’m sad and I can’t do shit about it. There’s this constant underlying darkness in all that I say and do. The more connected I feel the deeper that darkness goes and I feel the expanse of my happiness swell and I am free to feel, give, process, manage, etc. I am so disconnected right now that I feel like the darkness is just creeping in over the topsoil of my life. So as I laid in my bed, I thought of how I could describe what is happening in my mind. It is like the flowers in my garden are droopy and wilted. They need sun and rain but the clouds only move in, block the sun, and it never rains. The flowers in my garden are wilted. The darkness is consuming the flowers of my life. Then I realized I didn’t feel like this when we were together. My garden was full, blooming, well watered and nourished. They were the happiest flowers in any garden anywhere. But now, they are dying. They are hungry and thirsty. They aren’t getting what they need at all. For some reason I feel powerless to move the clouds out of the way and nourish my own garden and cause my clouds to rain. I feel powerless to move the darkness back to where it belongs. There are so many sayings about how happiness is cultivated within and you can’t make others happy if you’re not happy on your own and others that say you can’t allow your happiness to rest in others, but for me I’m not happy without you. I don’t care what self-help books say, or what a therapist would say, I don’t care what any religious teachings tell me… I miss you and I’m sad without you in my life. That’s it. Bottom line. That is my position about all of this. I’m fucking sad and I’m fucking lonely without you. So for now, the flowers in my garden will wilt and die and eventually I will plant new ones and a new season will arrive. I guess the question I have to ask myself is if I’m gonna sit back and watch the flowers die or if I’m gonna till them under now and start fresh already. If there are no flowers there’s no need for sun or rain, right?

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

Detox.

It seems like a bit of an oxymoron but as good as we were together and now being so far apart, I feel the distance growing ever farther and deeper. My dreams aren’t consumed by you. My every thought isn’t about us. My daily operations find fleeting moments of you and not prolonged musings of you. You are very much part of me, but like a new muscle I’ve developed, it’s like I know you’re there but I don’t think about you as much. It’s acceptance of sorts. I’m finding freedom in this. Freedom to explore depths of understanding I couldn’t achieve before. Self-reflection that I couldn’t do before because I couldn’t see beyond you. I’m breathing. I’m surviving. I’m feeling. I am hungry for life. I’m working toward my normal, selfless, authentic self every day that I wake up, place two feet on the floor, and get ready to face my day. It feels like I’m finally detoxing from all the holds you had on my soul, mind, body, and life. It’s bittersweet, ya know? Sweet to feel and not ache so deeply. Sweet to relish in the breath of air that fills my lungs which isn’t laced with you. Yet I miss you. I miss us. And I probably always will. Life has to go on and we need to move forward being our best selves without each other. You’ll never be forgotten, you’re etched into my soul. You’ll live forever in my heart and have been immortalized by these words. But breathing feels good and so does hoping again for a forever with a man who can be by my side. Now it’s time to pray for God to deliver this man to my life. Time to grow. Be well, love. Be well.

With great, eternal love,

The Repressed Peach