Cease and desist

Ahh. The proverbial end of a relationship in one capacity and the potential for a new one. One would think this too means with a new person. But why is it that society proclaims we must begin new relationships with others? Why can’t a relationship start new with the same person? The relationship will hopefully not be the same as it once was. Hopefully necessary change will take place and the relationship will be healthy.

Such is the case today. But I don’t plan on the relationship ending. In fact, I refuse to allow it to end. I will create a new definition for this coupledom and I will embrace the new capacity for love and expression.

Allowing anything to end in my life has been my nemesis up to this point. I hold on like my life depends on it. While in some ways this is a virtuous practice and philosophy, it lends itself to staying stuck and being rather controlling. I am not fond of either characteristic. Therefore, as I’ve aged I’ve learned to let go. Not because I’m a quitter or because I walk away, but because I am wise. I know when I’ve given all I’ve had to give or when I’ve failed to do so. I also accept that I can’t control everything in my life. Especially not the people who waltz within my heart. I want freedom to express myself fully so I must allow the same for those I am in relationship with. I can’t think of any adult person who would actively choose control and limited self-expression in a relationship.

And would you like the honest truth? I am not everyone’s cup of tea! Ha! Who would’ve ever thought?! I can be a big pain in the rear end! So even if a relationship changes because I’m not what they need in life, then who am I to argue with that? Who am I to say that I will make their life better/happier/more passionate? I cannot be so arrogant as to think for another person. I must honor another person’s free will and desire. I must consider the love and desire I have for them and determine if I have the capacity to love them through the tough times.

All of this causes me to think a ton of different thoughts… Some of them make sense with this post while others are only loosely connected.

What I would love to say right this moment:
1. You may need a different relationship for various reasons, but you can’t take away what you’ve given me.
2. I will continue to love you even if I have to love you from afar. You can’t take that away.
3. I will be in love with you until I’m not any longer and I will be better for it.
4. The lessons you’ve taught me about love are life changing. Something in me broke when I loved you while another thing was born altogether.
5. I believe that all things work together for a divine reason. I have little control over this phenomenon therefore I surrender all attempt at trying to make it what it isn’t or can’t be.
6. I have faith in my love for you. I loved you for our season and that experience will stay with me for all eternity.
7. I love all parts of you. I love what you love and cherish those which you do. I respect that and truly love that about you. A man of principle…definitely a man worthy of my love.
8. While my heart won’t be available to you for all eternity, you will have a space within me forever.

With all this and more, my heart is at peace with how life changes can bring us together and eventually pull us apart. I am at peace with the change in us. I embrace it as much as I would love to embrace you in this moment.

The Repressed Peach

Tug of war

Do you even realize what you do to me when you pull me in just to kick me out? Do you realize the whirlwind of thoughts that stir within my brain as I try and figure out your thoughts? I wonder why you keep your feelings to yourself. Do you hide them because they’re sad and dark or do you hide them because of the weight of truth that is carried in them? Do you know what my shoulders feel like as I carry the weight of your words? I have nowhere to turn. No up when I’m down and no stop while I spin. Your love and the depths you reach within my soul is immeasurable. I feel things with you that have never been alive before. I just don’t know what causes such abrupt shifts in your desire. I don’t think you realize how deeply I love you. I love you with all of me. I love you with my action and inaction. I love you with my thoughts and in the space between thoughts. I love you with my soul. My body loves you and loves your touch. Without your touch my body feels empty and cold, lifeless at best. My mind aches for your closeness and energy. My eyes long for your amazing smile that captures me and sweeps me in. I see your smile in the face of others and I like them because I see you. I love you. And maybe, maybe you love me too and that scares the shit out of you. Too close. Too good. Too warm. Too right. Stop before we make a mess in so many ways. Maybe the thoughts I have aren’t so different than yours… But I can only guess. I don’t know your thoughts about these things. I don’t know if my red hair is alluring to you. I don’t know if my scent makes you lose control. I don’t know if the feel of my body makes you want to hold me forever. I don’t know… Oh and I wish I did. I wish I knew the stirring of your soul. I wish I knew your dreams. I wish I knew your fantasies. And your fears and challenges. I wish I knew. I wish I could have the chance to love those parts of you too.

My lips ache for you right now. My body is addicted to your warm caress as you speak soft, sultry words into my ear. My fingers reach for yours in longing wanting to be twisted up in them and waiting for the strength of your hand to encompass mine as you settle onto my hips. Your passionate kiss is the breath that I breathe; your taste the fragrance of beauty and wonder.

But you say we need to slow down. Why? We have been down this road so many times before. What causes this to happen? I am so tripped up by this especially when everything is so good. I want to cry but the tears are too confused to find their way out.

Let me sleep. Let me dream of you and imagine our time that wasn’t this. Let me heal with the memory of the amazing moments we’ve created together over and over again. Let me retrace the steps you’ve taken in my heart from the first day we met. Let me remember. Let those memories and special moments carry me through the confusion of now. As it had in the past, and hopefully will again, this confusion will settle into sense and understanding. Tomorrow? Maybe not…but soon I’m sure. Until then my heart will stay soft, not because it’s empty but because it yearns to love wholly.

The Repressed Peach