Tug of war

Do you even realize what you do to me when you pull me in just to kick me out? Do you realize the whirlwind of thoughts that stir within my brain as I try and figure out your thoughts? I wonder why you keep your feelings to yourself. Do you hide them because they’re sad and dark or do you hide them because of the weight of truth that is carried in them? Do you know what my shoulders feel like as I carry the weight of your words? I have nowhere to turn. No up when I’m down and no stop while I spin. Your love and the depths you reach within my soul is immeasurable. I feel things with you that have never been alive before. I just don’t know what causes such abrupt shifts in your desire. I don’t think you realize how deeply I love you. I love you with all of me. I love you with my action and inaction. I love you with my thoughts and in the space between thoughts. I love you with my soul. My body loves you and loves your touch. Without your touch my body feels empty and cold, lifeless at best. My mind aches for your closeness and energy. My eyes long for your amazing smile that captures me and sweeps me in. I see your smile in the face of others and I like them because I see you. I love you. And maybe, maybe you love me too and that scares the shit out of you. Too close. Too good. Too warm. Too right. Stop before we make a mess in so many ways. Maybe the thoughts I have aren’t so different than yours… But I can only guess. I don’t know your thoughts about these things. I don’t know if my red hair is alluring to you. I don’t know if my scent makes you lose control. I don’t know if the feel of my body makes you want to hold me forever. I don’t know… Oh and I wish I did. I wish I knew the stirring of your soul. I wish I knew your dreams. I wish I knew your fantasies. And your fears and challenges. I wish I knew. I wish I could have the chance to love those parts of you too.

My lips ache for you right now. My body is addicted to your warm caress as you speak soft, sultry words into my ear. My fingers reach for yours in longing wanting to be twisted up in them and waiting for the strength of your hand to encompass mine as you settle onto my hips. Your passionate kiss is the breath that I breathe; your taste the fragrance of beauty and wonder.

But you say we need to slow down. Why? We have been down this road so many times before. What causes this to happen? I am so tripped up by this especially when everything is so good. I want to cry but the tears are too confused to find their way out.

Let me sleep. Let me dream of you and imagine our time that wasn’t this. Let me heal with the memory of the amazing moments we’ve created together over and over again. Let me retrace the steps you’ve taken in my heart from the first day we met. Let me remember. Let those memories and special moments carry me through the confusion of now. As it had in the past, and hopefully will again, this confusion will settle into sense and understanding. Tomorrow? Maybe not…but soon I’m sure. Until then my heart will stay soft, not because it’s empty but because it yearns to love wholly.

Fiercely,
The Repressed Peach

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