I wonder what causes us to think, speak and act from a superficial level in life. I mean, something so ordinary as driving down the street thinking of situations and patterns in my life cause me to move to a different level of consciousness. Do I usually operate from a place of convenience and comfort? Is my brain uninspired by ordinary? Do I lack the intellect to discover curiosity in my daily life? I like to think the answer is that I find inspiration and curiosity while also possessing the intellectual capacity for such, but I can’t be so sure.

My superficial functioning was just catapulted at the wall for a moment as I came to a possible, yet fleeting, realization that I look for hope in the most unusual places. Relationships that can’t be what a relationship really should be; work that is satisfying yet grueling in its own way; dreams and ideals that are limited by various obstacles including my own perceptions. You see? Why do I think like this and operate like I do yet somehow manage to operate on autopilot? It seems counterintuitive.

As I realized that I look for hope in the most hopeless situations I nearly broke down in tears. Why do I do this? What motivates me? Is this a habit I have? Am I limited or liberated? I don’t know the answers to these questions although I have a hint as to two things that may be behind it all: I’m a hopeless (ironic?) romantic and an eternal optimist.

I don’t know what any of this actually means. I don’t know if any of it makes a difference. I don’t know if any of it even matters a lick. I just know that going through my day and not having even a single intellectual, stimulating thought doesn’t seem much like life at all. I want to know stuff, I want to be curious and thoughtful, every day. I want to be alive and well while living an engaging life that’s full of wonder and experience. To me, that’s life. Not living on the surface and being “comfortable” while ignoring all that goes on in and around me. I am frustrated even thinking about such a drab existence!

Superficial functioning will cease. Discovery, wonder, and hope will thrive. I will be alive all the rest of my days. Living, loving, and engaging with all I can while creating hope in the most hopeless places no matter how silly it may be.

Hopefully yours,

The Repressed Peach

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