I feel stuck. And sad. But mostly stuck. I want what I want. Can’t have it though without extreme cost. I love who I love and it’s not a bad thing, except when it’s wrong. Courage. I need courage to overcome my selfishness and let go of the love that isn’t mine to have. I want to be selfish though. I want to keep him in my heart and hold him tightly forever. I can’t though. I have to let go. I have to love him from afar. I would be so ashamed to be the cause of so much pain. I would become a stain, a blemish, upon another’s life. I am not that. I am hope. I am love. I am not a blemish. I am not a shameful person and I am not a hateful person. I am not selfish, except when I am. But that isn’t me. I am selfless. Maybe I’m tired. Tired of selflessness. Tired of hoping and wishing and waiting for someone to choose me, but can’t. And won’t. And I shouldn’t even think that they would. Hope in all the wrong places. I am stuck. Any decision is painful and I can’t seem to decide which direction to turn. I don’t like pain. I can tolerate it though. Be selfless and step back. Stop the potential of such heartbreak. Move away from the fiery flames and go back to the passionless existence you once lived. That’s the key actually… I want passion. He brings me more passion than I’ve ever felt. Fulfilling. Sinful passion that has snared my heart and mind. My soul knows better but my body is trapped. I’m stuck. Stuck. Stuck in love with the right guy at the wrong time. What a love story. I watch movies like “The Notebook”, “Serendipity”, and “The Fault in Our Stars” and I want that kind of love. Aren’t I worthy of such amazing love? Love that breaks barriers, overcomes the insanity, love in which the guy chooses the girl even when she’s been heroic and brave and honorable…he chooses her even still. He doesn’t let her walk away. He chooses her. I want to be chosen. Even when I was married I wasn’t chosen. I was neglected. As a child, I wasn’t chosen. I was neglected. I wasn’t chosen by my mom nor my dad. I wasn’t chosen then and I’m not chosen now. The difference between then and now, I’m deciding this. I’ve put myself in a situation where I can’t be chosen. And shame on me. Intestinal fortitude is something that has to be exercised. I have to dig deep and let go for him and for me. I hurt. I’m stuck. And maybe I will be stuck being hurt because of this for a long time. And that may be the cross I have to carry for a while. All I know is that I don’t like being stuck and I don’t like pain and I certainly don’t like shame. I won’t be a shameful person. I won’t be a blemish anymore. I’m not a blemish. I am hope. I am love. And love I will use to set us free.
Be free my love. Go where you’re supposed to go and be happy. Be loved and be kind. Find joy and happiness all of your days.
The Repressed Peach