Purge Part I

Random ideas, thoughts, emotions are running through my mind. I can’t really find a single stream of consistency or reason, but I feel full to the brim. The following is my purge.

Recalcitrance. What does that word mean?

The guy looking at me as I walk into my local Starbucks… upon what do you gaze?

Dropping my tithe check into the box at church. The resulting goosebumps and spiritual shivers that run through me. Obedience to God’s word and hoping that the act of faith doesn’t come back to me empty or void. Blessings will surely follow, right?

The tears blazing my cheeks as they singe the soft fuzz of peachy flesh while I remember a dear friend whom I left words unsaid. A song that gripped my heart and made me recount our last conversation and the soon to follow funeral.

The unexpected yet warm grip of the baby hand that wraps around my finger while we pray and sing our way out of church.

The rain pattering lightly upon the windshield of my car as I make my way to solitude among the populace to think, but I can’t be alone and I need the distraction of people while I hone my thoughts. Home is safe and comfort but I need space and the weight of the world to suss out all this energy.

The desire to hold and lift myself upon a person who cannot be available to me.

The desire for change yet knowing the change isn’t mine to dictate. I’m leaving so much to God’s capable hands and I know it is all best placed there. Career, home, car, relationships; all possible areas for change yet nothing that can be done immediately.

My God-son’s tiny body tucked warmly into the cradle of my arm nestled against my tummy and snoozing so peacefully.

A long conversation with a teenager who is finding his way in a confusing world but can’t find hope or pride inside himself and looks outside to feel fulfilled. The tears and weight of his confusion settle inside my heart and I feel burdened with much more to do in this world.

I sit and watch cars pass by the windows of the urban structure and all I want to see is that one car, that one person, that one world that I wish I could step into and be part of. But then I feel sad and unworthy because I feel like I have so little to offer.

Faith, family, friends are what matter to me most. I want those things to offer my partner in life yet when I find that person I fear I won’t have all that to give. I am alone in this big city. Yet even as I type, I remember my son’s birthday party and I question the validity of this fear.

Friendships are hard to make and even harder to keep. People come from so many different backgrounds and value systems which makes trusting people really hard to do. Am I too principled in my reasoning and logic? People are interesting and the life of the world, but so many ugly things happen in the world. I feel the need to protect myself and my boy.

Energy. Energy between two people is confounding. There is a transfer of electrical energy that is palpable. Connections are made. Connections are questioned. Is it sexual? Is it empathy? Is it spiritual? Where does the energy go? When I touch, I pray for some good energy to be passed from me to them. I pray for my energy to go forward and multiply within and throughout. I pray for goodness to come of the energy I share. Health, healing, wisdom, love, bravery, triumph, happiness; I pray for these things to come of my touch.

Why do I like to give so much of myself?

So much thinking and so much feeling happening all at the same time. I know tears are near, I feel the weight growing behind my eyes. I am comfortable crying. It’s a cleansing of the soul and all the energy misspent and unused. It’s my emotional form of aerobic activity…burn the toxins, clear the mind, achieve homeostasis.


The Repressed Peach

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