It’s hard to tell your heart to keep beating when it’s broken. Broken into so many pieces that you don’t even know where to begin. I miss my friend. I miss my best friend. I miss a vital piece of my soul. Just to talk to him. To touch his hand. To look into eyes that love me. To hear his voice soothe my soul. I miss him completely. Our connection is so natural. It was the first day I met him and it still is today. Today though we can’t be natural. Today we have to tell ourselves to ignore the connection and move on. I can’t explain how awful this feels except to say it would be like telling your heart to stop beating or your lungs to stop breathing. You can’t just do that and if you were to try it would be an anguishing amount of pain. This is pain like I’ve never felt before. I thought I was in love with other men before him but this is something entirely different. This man is someone who I could have and still would gladly spend the rest of my life with. I would love him for eternity and any time past that. Sadly, the care and love I had for my husband was nothing even remotely close to the love I feel for this man. In hindsight I don’t think I truly loved my first husband. I’m not eating or sleeping well at all and I’m constantly thinking. I’m beyond exhausted and the only remedy that I’m aware of isn’t speaking to me. He’s only not speaking to me out of self-preservation though. Oddly enough I understand his reasoning and I love him more because of it even though it’s hard to accept. He’s in pain. I’m in pain. Everyone he loves is hurting. It’s not a good situation. I’m trying to exercise as much grace and patience as I can muster. He doesn’t see me cry even though he can see my pain. He doesn’t hear my thoughts even though he’s likely (hopefully) thinking the same. I don’t cry out for him so that I can save him, and me, the pain of rejection. How do you tell your soul no? I am doing my absolute best to take care of him through this. I don’t want to burden him or cause him anymore trouble. He’s suffering enough.
My feelings are complex. I don’t want to cause him any more pain but I want him to know I’m suffering, too. I want him to know that this matters to me. I don’t want to fake my way through this and give him any false impression that I’m not entirely crushed because I am. I want to be honest and real but graceful and kind. I want to do what’s best for him to show him through my actions just how deeply I love him. Maybe he will see that my telling him “I love you” all these years isn’t just lip service but the honest-to-God truth. Maybe my actions won’t mean much right away but maybe they will in a couple of months once the chaos and drama settle a little bit and he can breathe again. Maybe he’ll be grateful for how I’ve handled this situation and realize how deeply I must love him. It might make a difference, it might not, regardless I can say that I behaved with as much dignity and grace as I could muster under the circumstances. My missing him will become the fuel to exercise more love. I will love him with my action and my inaction. I will love him in thought and in the space between thoughts. I will love him while awake and while I dream. I will hurt, but my love for him will heal me. I have to hope at least.
The Repressed Peach