Over. 

It’s sad when you learn where you truly stand with someone. People who call you friend but aren’t there for you when you need them. People who have a big temper tantrum if you don’t call or drop everything when they need you yet have no consideration for what life may be handing you in your own court. So, you know shit happens, right? Friendships ebb and flow. Relationships change. But after quite a few years of the same steady stream of drama and unrealistic expectations you just have to call bullshit. This isn’t friendship. This is not even a relationship. It’s a phone-a-friend hotline. Calls aren’t returned. Text messages are ignored entirely. Plans are cancelled on a regular basis. Sudden shifts in conversation as though anything you have to share is annoying and inconsequential. I feel like I’ve been understanding and supportive. I have always thought that one day my day would come and my friends would be available to me for whatever I needed in that moment. But that’s not true. I’m a burden. I’m annoying and my problems aren’t tolerable. This does not match my definition of friendship. 

I feel like so many people these days are spending so much time caught up in their own sagas to consider someone else’s situation. It should all be mutual over time. Give and take. Support and be supported. There comes a time though when no matter the excuses or the rationale, the relationship has to end. It doesn’t need to be any big deal. No break up messages needed. No confrontation necessary. Just let it be what it is. And what it is is over. 

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Advertisements

In the back of my mind

I woke up this morning and there you were, the first thought on my mind

I ate breakfast this morning and I wondered if you slept well and had eaten yet. 

I went outside to mow the lawn and all I could think of was how many times you’d asked me how my grass was doing.

I did the laundry and wondered if you have to do your own or if someone does it for you.

I made dinner and thought how much you’d have enjoyed the fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and sweet corn. 

I watched football and wondered what you were doing during the game. Were you watching too?

I went to the gas station and had a wardrobe malfunction which was hysterical to me and I found myself wondering how you would’ve reacted to it.

I made my weekly grocery run and I looked for signs of you in everyone I saw. 

Every red truck made me look twice to see if it was you. 

Every song on the radio made me remember something about the time we spent together.

From the most mundane to the most intense, you are there. In the back of my mind you dance and weave your way into my thoughts. You’re always with me. I breathe and I can feel your soul just a heartbeat away. I think and I feel your thoughts. I read and I feel your vibe.

I don’t know if all of this is usual processing after a heartbreak or if this is extraordinary but I’m not going to overthink it. I’m going to enjoy you in my thoughts. I’m going to let you exist in my life just like you do and go from there. I have so many things on my mind. So many questions I wonder the answer to and many others I just want to talk to you about. I just have to stay the course and be patient. I have to have faith that all of this is for good and that we will come out on top together, for the better and in God’s grace. There’s a deep sense of peace and knowing that I have about our situation. I can’t describe it well but in the depths of my soul I know we will be ok. I have to have faith in that.

Until the day comes when we will be able to resolve this conflict and get back on the right side of God’s will, I will enjoy your presence in the back of my mind, keeping me company and fueling my hope. ❤️

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

No obligations.

When I said I loved you it didn’t come with any expectation. It came freely and without any burdens. It surprised me too when I said it for the first time. I remember I had just come back from a family vacation out of state and you had come to visit me the same night I came home. I was so excited to see you and couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around you. You were kissing me goodbye in the doorway and as you pulled away to leave I suddenly said “I love you” and kissed you one more time. You looked me in my eyes, kissed me again, and said “Write to me. Express yourself anyway you need to.” Then you smiled and turned to go. I didn’t know I was going to say those words out loud. I hadn’t rehearsed. I hadn’t said them aloud to anyone. I said them in my own head time and time again, but I never let those words out of my mouth.

I was so surprised and, in fact, I was reeling at what you would think about those three words. I immediately started texting you to explain myself. I remember the first thing I was sure to express was that my love for you comes without any expectations. I just love you. Pure and simple. It doesn’t seem so commonplace to express or receive that kind of love yet it’s the truest emotion I can share. But I can imagine it could be peculiar to hear. Anyway, I continued to write and just poured out my heart to you. While you didn’t return the three little words explicitly, you were so sweet and kind in your responses. You were warm and heartfelt and embraced the utterance. You didn’t freak out or shy away from me. You didn’t distance yourself by running for the hills…in fact, we drew closer together. In my head though I knew I couldn’t say those words all the time. I knew, and still know, that society has fucked up the meaning of those words and how heavy they can be instead of liberating. Therefore, I found different ways to express my love. I would say things like “Well, you know why I’m so good to you…something along the lines of I like you but a whole whole lot more than that!” I got creative and while I got creative at telling you I loved you, I learned to love deeper than I have loved anyone before.

Some people may tell me that I should’ve told you more clearly how I felt about you. Others might say that it was foolish to fall in love with someone who was unavailable to me. Others even yet might say a million other things that don’t change a thing about how I love you. So here it is… I loved you freely because I never want my love for another person to affect their behavior. I want THEIR love for ME to affect how they treat me. My love for someone else shouldn’t persuade them to behave differently. I want you to choose me because you love me, not because you feel like you owe it to me for any reason. I can safely say that all decisions about how I chose to act in our relationship were influenced by my own emotions and not someone else’s, nor yours. I don’t want someone to love me because they feel obligated to. At the end of the day what kind of love is that anyway? It’s not real at all. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you owe me anything.

I must be honest though, I do wonder if you knew how deeply I loved you if it would affect the outcome of our situation. However, I balance my wonder with contentment that I loved, and still love you, freely. I do fear that the depth of my love would be a burden to you if you knew of it. But this idea is a strange concept. The stars in the universe are as beautiful and wondrous as anything yet they do not question their magnificence or think themselves a burden. They also don’t require recognition or praise. They just simply are. Therefore, why would I think my love for someone, given as purely as any gift, could be a burden? Maybe it’s humility or maybe it’s self-deprecating, I’m not sure… I do know that it’s something I am pensive about though.

In this moment, and in the many that will follow, I will not regret learning how to love someone so freely. I will never forget the lessons I have learned in the course of our relationship. You have given me so many gifts. So many. I will never be able to thank God enough for all that you have brought to my life. I am forever and ever changed.

Freely and humbly yours,

The Repressed Peach

You were there. 

You met me in my dreams last night! You were there in all of your many forms. Light hearted and funny, kind and thoughtful, jealous yet secure, alive yet just a dream. But I could feel you. Your spirit was so real. Our interactions and chemistry were dancing on the ethereal high of being together. Even if only in our dreams, we were together and we were happy as ever. It was wonderful to feel your soul with mine. It was amazing to laugh with you, smile at you, watch you look at me with the eyes of your soul. In our dream we barely touched but we were intertwined at the heart. My dream is my sustenance for today.

I wonder if you dreamed of me too. Did you get to enjoy the connection? The time shared and the memories made? It was a dream so real I’d feel selfish to enjoy it all alone. You need this dream too!

We have this connection. A soul connection that I can only explain by describing what I imagine…

Imagine two souls finding each other and connecting. Connecting into this infinite thread that can bend and twist and pull in all directions. It can be made thin and taut but it can never break. It’s this infinity loop where we are connected at the heart but so much deeper than just the heart. It’s heart and soul. We dance through our life, separate and afar, but our souls are infinitely connected. We will never be more than a thought away from each other. Never more than a feeling away to being back where we know we are supposed to be.

Although I know we will be connected forever, I miss your presence. I miss the immediacy of our connection. I miss the electricity and the wakefulness you bring to my soul. I’m alive but I’m dead compared to when I’m with you. Even in my dream I felt more alive than I do right now sitting on my patio drinking coffee and enjoying the bright, beautiful morning.

This connection we have reminds me of the movie “Hancock” with Will Smith and Charlize Theron. You know that one? They’re both super heroes and they’re a perfect match for each other except they make each other mortal. If they stay away from one another they’re immortal. I would rather die a million days before infinity than to live forever without you. I’d be more alive as a mortal being than I ever would in all of my days if I were immortal. Give me life. Give me the music to my soul. Give me the rest of forever with you.

Alas, I cannot make anything happen. I can will it in my favor and I can pray for God’s hand in this, but I have no control. I am so thankful that you met me in my dreams last night. I’m happy that we connected and our souls were one in that time we shared. I miss you and I love you. ❤️

Lovingly yours,

The Repressed Peach 

Numb. 

I find it perplexing to be so deeply hurt but I can’t muster more than an ounce of anger or resentment. People tell me that I should be angry and vindictive or that I should be mean and not put up with any shit. I just can’t. There’s nothing inside my soul that desires to be mean and hateful. I don’t have a vengeful spirit at all.

I love him. I love him entirely. Even though my heart is broken I love him. Our season might be over forever but I am forever changed. My heart and soul are forever changed. My body’s desires are forever changed. I will never settle for anything less than what we had. I will never be the same as I once was.

I don’t understand a lot of what I’m feeling. I think I know things then I doubt  it. One thing I can say for certain is this breakup hurts worse than when I divorced my husband. For some reason that surprises the hell out of me. I didn’t lose sleep once I left my husband. I didn’t stop eating. I didn’t dream of him. I didn’t miss our life together. I didn’t even miss him. Not once. All of which really, really sucks if you think about it. But this…this breakup hurts worse than anything I’ve been through before. I can’t breathe sometimes. I can’t even feel sometimes…except that I feel numb. It’s like my soul is afraid to feel because if it did it knows that it might never recover. But then moments like this happen and I feel everything all at the same time. I’ve got the ugly cry face and tear stained cheeks. I’m sitting in the parking lot at work writing and trying to get my game face on before I walk into this institution and try my best to lead my team.

 I don’t know what the future holds for me in all of this. I know I need to be patient and understanding with myself and with others. I need to feel and to breathe through everything that I feel. I need to just allow everything to be what it is in those moments and like the waters of the river, just let them pass as quickly as they come. I don’t need to dam the river and hold onto anything unnecessary. Just feel, breathe, and let it go.

Everything can change in just one day. For better or for worse.

Sadly,

The Repressed Peach

Your lucky lotto ticket

You often said that you felt like you got the winning lottery ticket when you found me. These words still ring through my heart and soul when I reminisce about our time together. Then I wonder if you still feel that way. Did your winnings run out? Was it all just fun and games for a while and then back to reality when it was all spent? I’m not typically a cynic so I’m just more curious that cynical…

Then I wonder even yet if maybe you’re still cashing in on the winnings because I’m not making your life a living hell. Because honestly I could be one of the nasty vengeful belligerent fools that some men find themselves involved with. I’m happy to not be one of those girls. Maybe you sit back and feel grateful that I am who I am and not someone different. Maybe you’re grateful for the quiet time at home and not worrying about how you’re gonna message me or come see me. Maybe I was too much of a distraction to be healthy for you. So many things that I wonder and no answer to any of it. I just have to rely on what I know. I know that the last four years of my life with you were amazing. You loved me although you couldn’t say it. You still care for me deeply. You wouldn’t look me in my eyes and not waver when you speak to me if you didn’t. You wouldn’t try and touch me if you didn’t care. Just knowing that you care about me warms my heart. I knew it couldn’t stay the way it was forever; I knew change had to come. Maybe we needed the harsh reality to push us apart from each other so that we could… So that we could what? Hmm. Well, if the distance was what we needed, why? Was it a wake up call for you? Is it so we can exercise some dimension of our character? This is the thing… I don’t want distance from you. Not even a fucking inch. I hope you know it’s not a physical distance thing either…we could be on opposite ends of the planet and I would still feel connected to you. I can feel the thrum of your soul inside mine when we are connected and that doesn’t stop when we are apart. That’s the most beautiful thing about us…that depth, that connective energy which is palpable.

I feel like I won the lottery with you too baby. We can’t be together right now but you’re still my winnings. You’re still my baby. You still have my heart.

All yours and more,

The Repressed Peach