You often said that you felt like you got the winning lottery ticket when you found me. These words still ring through my heart and soul when I reminisce about our time together. Then I wonder if you still feel that way. Did your winnings run out? Was it all just fun and games for a while and then back to reality when it was all spent? I’m not typically a cynic so I’m just more curious that cynical…
Then I wonder even yet if maybe you’re still cashing in on the winnings because I’m not making your life a living hell. Because honestly I could be one of the nasty vengeful belligerent fools that some men find themselves involved with. I’m happy to not be one of those girls. Maybe you sit back and feel grateful that I am who I am and not someone different. Maybe you’re grateful for the quiet time at home and not worrying about how you’re gonna message me or come see me. Maybe I was too much of a distraction to be healthy for you. So many things that I wonder and no answer to any of it. I just have to rely on what I know. I know that the last four years of my life with you were amazing. You loved me although you couldn’t say it. You still care for me deeply. You wouldn’t look me in my eyes and not waver when you speak to me if you didn’t. You wouldn’t try and touch me if you didn’t care. Just knowing that you care about me warms my heart. I knew it couldn’t stay the way it was forever; I knew change had to come. Maybe we needed the harsh reality to push us apart from each other so that we could… So that we could what? Hmm. Well, if the distance was what we needed, why? Was it a wake up call for you? Is it so we can exercise some dimension of our character? This is the thing… I don’t want distance from you. Not even a fucking inch. I hope you know it’s not a physical distance thing either…we could be on opposite ends of the planet and I would still feel connected to you. I can feel the thrum of your soul inside mine when we are connected and that doesn’t stop when we are apart. That’s the most beautiful thing about us…that depth, that connective energy which is palpable.
I feel like I won the lottery with you too baby. We can’t be together right now but you’re still my winnings. You’re still my baby. You still have my heart.
All yours and more,
The Repressed Peach