I find it perplexing to be so deeply hurt but I can’t muster more than an ounce of anger or resentment. People tell me that I should be angry and vindictive or that I should be mean and not put up with any shit. I just can’t. There’s nothing inside my soul that desires to be mean and hateful. I don’t have a vengeful spirit at all.
I love him. I love him entirely. Even though my heart is broken I love him. Our season might be over forever but I am forever changed. My heart and soul are forever changed. My body’s desires are forever changed. I will never settle for anything less than what we had. I will never be the same as I once was.
I don’t understand a lot of what I’m feeling. I think I know things then I doubt it. One thing I can say for certain is this breakup hurts worse than when I divorced my husband. For some reason that surprises the hell out of me. I didn’t lose sleep once I left my husband. I didn’t stop eating. I didn’t dream of him. I didn’t miss our life together. I didn’t even miss him. Not once. All of which really, really sucks if you think about it. But this…this breakup hurts worse than anything I’ve been through before. I can’t breathe sometimes. I can’t even feel sometimes…except that I feel numb. It’s like my soul is afraid to feel because if it did it knows that it might never recover. But then moments like this happen and I feel everything all at the same time. I’ve got the ugly cry face and tear stained cheeks. I’m sitting in the parking lot at work writing and trying to get my game face on before I walk into this institution and try my best to lead my team.
I don’t know what the future holds for me in all of this. I know I need to be patient and understanding with myself and with others. I need to feel and to breathe through everything that I feel. I need to just allow everything to be what it is in those moments and like the waters of the river, just let them pass as quickly as they come. I don’t need to dam the river and hold onto anything unnecessary. Just feel, breathe, and let it go.
Everything can change in just one day. For better or for worse.
The Repressed Peach