Fucking frustration. 

After a time of ignoring your truths while being the best person you can be, frustration comes creeping in and it’s not so easy to be gracious and patient. I fucking want my soul mate. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t wanna give others a try. I don’t want to keep shopping for a soul who isn’t to be found within anyone else. I don’t wanna even look another person in the face. They aren’t him. They won’t love me like he did. They won’t touch me like he did. They won’t move my soul like he did. They aren’t him and they just won’t do. It pisses me off that that’s my truth but fuck it. Don’t touch me. Don’t try and make a fucking difference in my life. Just don’t. You’re not him and you’re not gonna work for me. Plain and simple.

I miss his vibe. I miss our energy. I miss his touch. I miss our bodies colliding in a cosmic love. I miss the conversations we shared. I miss how safe he made me feel. I miss his words in my ear bringing peace and security to my soul. I miss his fingers weaving between mine. I miss the earthshaking power couple we were when we were together. He wasn’t afraid of my strength. He didn’t cower in face of my dreams. He didn’t shrink away from my sadness. He praised me. He celebrated me. He encouraged me. He fueled my soul. He touched me and my skin flickered to life. He spoke and my soul turned it’s ear to him eager to hear his every utterance. He looked at me and his caramel brown eyes pierced my heart and cauterized the wound at the same time. He entered me and made me whole. My body would quake with the waves of pleasure I would feel from a depth he never physically touched. With his essence he touched me deeper than anyone has ever neared. Never has anyone in my entire life ever given me such fulfillment. 

I don’t know how to make this frustration go away. I can’t talk to him. I can’t sit across the table from him and ask all the zillion questions I have. I can’t walk into the house and crawl into bed with him. I can’t fix this and it’s fucking killing me. Today it’s killing me anyway. Today I have zero patience and zero grace. Today I’m completely raw, unadulterated pissed off and needing.

I’m dangerous when I feel like this. Dangerous in unconventional ways. Dangerously close to epiphany. And I don’t fucking care. Not today anyway.

The Repressed Peach

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