Visions

I walk through the grocery store or department store and I see couples everywhere. Some are old and have endured the tests of time while others are rather young and just embarking upon their journey into marriage. With each relationship I wonder about the satisfaction and happiness each person is experiencing in the marriage. I wonder if they go to sleep happy or if they feel appreciated. I wonder if they are being abused or neglected in some way. I wonder if one partner looks at the other with regret or if they look at them with a sense of needing more, that maybe they settled for this person for whatever reason. I look at older men who are lean and adequately fit while the woman is overweight and unkempt and I wonder who is consuming whom. And vice versa is true too. However, the woman seems to be unusually thin while the man is extremely obese which indicates to me that the woman sacrifices everything, even as much as a meal every day, in order to provide for her children and family. I look at rings on fingers and wonder if the band cuts their skin, if it’s too loose, or if it’s a beautiful reminder. I see so much. Sometimes I see that I am fine just where I am… single. Other times, I see that I am missing a critical component to my life. I am missing companionship.

This isn’t an entirely bad thing. I would rather be single than settled for less than a great marriage. I would rather be single than in an abusive relationship and my son see me get hurt. I would rather be single than have some jerk of a guy come into my home thinking he is going to discipline my child or call the shots in my house in any way. I would rather die a thousand deaths than to live a mediocre, passion-less, empty existence married to someone I don’t love. But I do miss companionship. I miss the great parts of life shared with another person. I miss talking about movies and tv shows or doing household projects together. I miss waking up to someone who loves me and kisses my face before I get out of bed. I miss having someone to share an adult joke with or hold hands with. I miss those things badly.

I won’t settle for just anyone or any relationship though; I am not desperate, I am just lonely. I see myself with someone whole and someone who accepts me as the whole that I am. I see the person I am with as the yin to my yang and the salt to my pepper…bringing their own unique qualities to my life that make me better, make me grow, help me strive to find new horizons within myself. And someone who keeps me AWAKE at the wheel of life! God, I cannot go to sleep again…I can’t do it. I hate the autopilot flight plan of life. I want to be awake, alive, and full of passion. Whoever comes into my life has to be vibrant and alive just as much as I am although I don’t feel like I can show it as freely as I want to. I have a vision of what my life will be like when I find my person. I have a very strong point of reference as to what I don’t want it to be.

Truly,

The Repressed Peach

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Lonely

I don’t know how many people in my life really understand how alone I really am in this world. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t complain about the fact that I am alone. In fact, I often times dismiss the concept because it sucks to face it head on. Who really wants to acknowledge that they are rolling solo in life? Who wants to feel as though people just tolerate your presence out of pity? I don’t, so I don’t talk about it. I think it’s time that I talk about it though. I think it’s time that I acknowledge that there is a vital piece of my existence that is being neglected. See, I like to be with people. I like to interact, make memories, laugh, fuss over the important parts of life and twiddle around with the less important. I like to have get togethers and have fun. Somewhere amidst my survival mode after my divorce, I stopped getting invited places, I stopped going out, I just stopped. I withdrew into my bunker of life and tried my hardest to keep my shit together. Well, I’m seven years post separation/divorce and the invites haven’t started again.

So instead of always expecting to be invited, I’ve started making my own plans and inviting people to come over or go with me. Oddly enough, few people have accepted my invites. Thanksgiving…I was alone. Christmas… I was alone. New Year’s Eve party planned…only two RSVPs out of nearly 40 people invited. Maybe I’m at an age where others have established friend groups or family traditions for these holidays. Me… well, I’m still starting over in many ways. I don’t have many friends in the area and all of my family lives out of state. Few people even travel to see me; I always have to travel to see them. When my parents come to see us they always have another agenda too (no offense, mom…I know you read this). I bought a new house last year, in fact, I closed on my home on New Year’s Eve 2015, so I thought it would be super cool to celebrate both occasions this year: a New Year and the one year anniversary of being in my new home. Only two people have said they can come and more haven’t even taken the time to say no. But worse yet, two of my dearest friends haven’t even come down to see my house much less come celebrate with me. And it hurts my soul deeply.

Bottom line: I’m alone and it sucks.

I’m tired of buying myself dinner on my birthday. I’m tired of pretending like it doesn’t hurt my feelings when people don’t come to visit. I’m tired of acting as though it doesn’t irritate the shit out of me to have to travel to see anyone. I’m tired of being alone and doing all of this life shit on my own all the time. It’s heartbreaking and sad now where it used to be liberating and inspiring. Let me tell you…everything gets old over time. Even the best of situations get irritating and hum-drum.

I know, I know… Some people would kill to be alone and get to call all their own shots all the time. And isn’t the grass so fucking green? Well, I would kill to not have such green grass for just a month or two. Let me come home to talk to an adult who can hug me and help me make dinner. Let me come home to a man who cares about the stupid bugs crawling in my grass and the ant hill next to the house and will get up and go do something about it. Sure I can do all this shit on my own, but I’m tired. I don’t want to do it all by myself anymore. And dammit, I wanna be celebrated like I deserve to be on my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas. I want friends and family to come hang out and watch stupid movies with me. I want to have long nights by the fire pit outside drinking adult beverages until we’re all stupid. I just want to have people in my life who care and can spend time enjoying life. I don’t need fancy vacations or weekend getaways. I just need friends who can sit back and relax.

While, I’m at it though…I also need people to recognize that I am alone. I need people to step the hell up and be present in my life. Maybe I haven’t demanded that before, and maybe I shouldn’t have to, but I am asking now for people to be available. I want my clan, my crew, my “ride or die” people to share life with me. I’m kind of dying inside. I’m losing my human touch. I’m losing myself somewhere in this bubble of crap that only seems to have me in it. I don’t wanna lose myself or lose my connection with others. I fear I know where people get so many psychological disorders from…isolation. A person’s mind can go bat-shit crazy without human interaction.

I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want friends to enjoy life with and I would love a significant other to share life with. I want my table full, my heart running out of space, and my life rich with good people.

And I definitely don’t want to write anymore posts like this.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach