I walk through the grocery store or department store and I see couples everywhere. Some are old and have endured the tests of time while others are rather young and just embarking upon their journey into marriage. With each relationship I wonder about the satisfaction and happiness each person is experiencing in the marriage. I wonder if they go to sleep happy or if they feel appreciated. I wonder if they are being abused or neglected in some way. I wonder if one partner looks at the other with regret or if they look at them with a sense of needing more, that maybe they settled for this person for whatever reason. I look at older men who are lean and adequately fit while the woman is overweight and unkempt and I wonder who is consuming whom. And vice versa is true too. However, the woman seems to be unusually thin while the man is extremely obese which indicates to me that the woman sacrifices everything, even as much as a meal every day, in order to provide for her children and family. I look at rings on fingers and wonder if the band cuts their skin, if it’s too loose, or if it’s a beautiful reminder. I see so much. Sometimes I see that I am fine just where I am… single. Other times, I see that I am missing a critical component to my life. I am missing companionship.
This isn’t an entirely bad thing. I would rather be single than settled for less than a great marriage. I would rather be single than in an abusive relationship and my son see me get hurt. I would rather be single than have some jerk of a guy come into my home thinking he is going to discipline my child or call the shots in my house in any way. I would rather die a thousand deaths than to live a mediocre, passion-less, empty existence married to someone I don’t love. But I do miss companionship. I miss the great parts of life shared with another person. I miss talking about movies and tv shows or doing household projects together. I miss waking up to someone who loves me and kisses my face before I get out of bed. I miss having someone to share an adult joke with or hold hands with. I miss those things badly.
I won’t settle for just anyone or any relationship though; I am not desperate, I am just lonely. I see myself with someone whole and someone who accepts me as the whole that I am. I see the person I am with as the yin to my yang and the salt to my pepper…bringing their own unique qualities to my life that make me better, make me grow, help me strive to find new horizons within myself. And someone who keeps me AWAKE at the wheel of life! God, I cannot go to sleep again…I can’t do it. I hate the autopilot flight plan of life. I want to be awake, alive, and full of passion. Whoever comes into my life has to be vibrant and alive just as much as I am although I don’t feel like I can show it as freely as I want to. I have a vision of what my life will be like when I find my person. I have a very strong point of reference as to what I don’t want it to be.
The Repressed Peach