As time goes by I find new and different layers of understanding and growth as I navigate this breakup. Like an onion, it has depth and flavor unknown at first glance. So my newest realization is this… I felt like the most powerful, best, realest version of myself when we were together. The self that I had only imagined I could be, was when I was with you. I felt complete. Empowered. Emboldened. Authentic. I didn’t bust out the chameleon in me to be with you. In fact, I felt free to be myself in all aspects of our relationship. I never shied away from being honest, open, and real in all of our interactions. Whether it was a serious situation or an intimate one, I felt like you accepted all of me just as I was. And I’ve never felt that before. Never in my life. Not from my parents. Not from friends. No other relationship has allowed me to feel so free to be me, exactly as I am, flaws and all. I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I also felt fully awake and alive on every level. I could feel my soul soar. I could feel the passion in my soul writhe with anticipation. I could feel my happiness swell and rise in my heart. I felt joy and peace that I’ve never experienced before. I felt strong and steady. I felt ready to take on the world with you in it and beside me. That’s the one big thing I’m gonna miss for myself, all that I felt when we were together. I miss the hell out of you for all that you are. But I miss the hell out of the me that I was when we were together. I miss her. I don’t know if I can recreate that same self without your energy. There was a symbiosis of souls between us that created a magical bond. A fusion of powers. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I just know it was rare and incredibly special. I am forever grateful to have known that depth of connection with another person.
One day I hope I will learn how to be the best version of myself without needing you. Maybe I can figure out how to harness the energy in the connection we share to fuel a permanent transformation. I don’t know. But until then, I will remember the me I was when we were together. I will remember the feeling of freedom. And I will not settle for a relationship that offers anything less.
The Repressed Peach
This has been the theme of my life for quite some time now and I just realized it this past week. Everything from my wardrobe to my relationships has revolved around my idea of accepting what it is as good enough for now. I’ve needed this mindset to survive. It was borne from a financial imperative when I first left my exhusband back in 2009 but since it’s just become a rut I’ve been stuck in.
Accepting your situation for what it is in the moment is a strong virtue. It’s a sign of strength, resilience, and understanding which I consider dope qualities in a person. At some point though, there’s an implied change that should take place due to the “for now” part of the motto. Situations should change. Dynamics should shift thereby making growth and change inherent.
So now it’s time I figure out what I want. What do I really want that makes me happy? I don’t have to sacrifice my happiness or desires anymore. I am financially stable enough to make decisions about furniture purchases. I can expand my professional attire. I can plan adventures. I can actually expect quality relationships with people and not settle for anything less than what I want. My season of “good enough for now” has reached an end. It’s the end of an era for me. It’s on to new and richer experiences without feeling guilty. It’s accepting and allowing myself to feel splendidly happy with my surroundings and my people in all aspects of my life. It’s time to accept greatness and not cheap substitutions. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go wrack up a bunch of debt achieving this new idea. No, in fact, I’m gonna make a plan. I’m gonna develop a strategy and be wise in my decisions but I’m gonna step away from the idea of self-sacrifice. I don’t have to live like that anymore.
I’m not sure if every mom goes through this or maybe every new family experiences this phenomenon, but I feel as though sacrificing our happiness for our families is good to a point. When you’ve lost love for yourself and you’re not inspired by the surroundings you’re in, then it’s time for a change. I need to love who I am and what I bring to the table. I need to celebrate me more than just on my birthday. I need to feel peace in my personal sanctuary. I need to feel freedom to experience life. I’ve limited myself out of necessity, but times have changed. If you know me then you know I’m not a plastic girl and I’m not a Betty Crocker either, I just want to live a good, happy, full, inspired life surrounded by great opportunities, genuine people, and a home that reflects the beauty of it all.
It’s been good for so long that I’m ready for great.
The Repressed Peach
My soul aches so deeply. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I dream of you every night but it brings me little happiness because I know we will never be. I watch movies with people who speak their love for each other and I let the wall fall just a bit and tears roll down my cheeks. I wonder how long it will take until all the tears have spilled. I wonder if I would’ve given voice to my feelings earlier if I would feel better. But now, I wonder if I’ll ever know how you feel about us. I have dammed up all my sadness and it hides behind tired, hurt eyes. My soul is tired. I need respite to recover from all the hurt I feel. I’ve tried ignoring it and dismissing it with cliches and optimism but there’s no mistaking the distress I’m in. I either sleep all the time or I don’t sleep at all. I can’t make myself go do anything more than necessary because I just can’t spend the energy. I need to go to the gym but I fear that I’m gonna get there and really fall apart. I fear that I won’t be able to pull my shit together when the reality hits. I may have to live my life without you in it entirely and it kills me. Just know this: I would choose you every day, every week, every month, every year for the rest of my life. I would choose us. I would choose the hilarious banter during our most intimate times. I would choose the earth shaking passion we share. I would choose the quiet, honest, intimate moments when I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I would choose us when you’d tell me all that you appreciated about me in your sweet, sexy voice resonating in my ear speaking directly to my soul. I would choose all the adventures we spoke of so often and pray for time to do them all together. I would choose us when things were difficult and we were kind and understanding of each other. I would choose us on rainy days when we could stay inside and make love, on sick days when you wouldn’t kiss me, on sunny days when my skin would burn, on foggy days when we could stay inside and watch movies, on windy days when our souls could rest and relax. I would choose us. Over and over again. Despite everything that’s happened, all I want is us. I want you.
I don’t know what more to say. The words don’t do much justice to all that I think and feel. I wish I could write down every memory and store it here for safekeeping but some things are better left to the memory of the heart. We know what we have. We know our truth. It is soul crushing to ignore and push aside. I can’t ignore how incredible I feel when we are together. I can’t ignore the sense of relief I feel when you’re around me. I can’t deny how deeply in love with you I am. I can’t do anything about any of it but hope that you read this just so you know how I feel.
I worry about you, too. I worry about your heart and soul. I pray you’re being honest with yourself and giving yourself what you need. If so, then I can only sit back and thank god that you are and pray that he remove this love from my heart. I can’t keep loving you like this with nothing in return. I deserve what we have and so much more.
The Repressed Peach