My soul aches so deeply. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I dream of you every night but it brings me little happiness because I know we will never be. I watch movies with people who speak their love for each other and I let the wall fall just a bit and tears roll down my cheeks. I wonder how long it will take until all the tears have spilled. I wonder if I would’ve given voice to my feelings earlier if I would feel better. But now, I wonder if I’ll ever know how you feel about us. I have dammed up all my sadness and it hides behind tired, hurt eyes. My soul is tired. I need respite to recover from all the hurt I feel. I’ve tried ignoring it and dismissing it with cliches and optimism but there’s no mistaking the distress I’m in. I either sleep all the time or I don’t sleep at all. I can’t make myself go do anything more than necessary because I just can’t spend the energy. I need to go to the gym but I fear that I’m gonna get there and really fall apart. I fear that I won’t be able to pull my shit together when the reality hits. I may have to live my life without you in it entirely and it kills me. Just know this: I would choose you every day, every week, every month, every year for the rest of my life. I would choose us. I would choose the hilarious banter during our most intimate times. I would choose the earth shaking passion we share. I would choose the quiet, honest, intimate moments when I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I would choose us when you’d tell me all that you appreciated about me in your sweet, sexy voice resonating in my ear speaking directly to my soul. I would choose all the adventures we spoke of so often and pray for time to do them all together. I would choose us when things were difficult and we were kind and understanding of each other. I would choose us on rainy days when we could stay inside and make love, on sick days when you wouldn’t kiss me, on sunny days when my skin would burn, on foggy days when we could stay inside and watch movies, on windy days when our souls could rest and relax. I would choose us. Over and over again. Despite everything that’s happened, all I want is us. I want you.
I don’t know what more to say. The words don’t do much justice to all that I think and feel. I wish I could write down every memory and store it here for safekeeping but some things are better left to the memory of the heart. We know what we have. We know our truth. It is soul crushing to ignore and push aside. I can’t ignore how incredible I feel when we are together. I can’t ignore the sense of relief I feel when you’re around me. I can’t deny how deeply in love with you I am. I can’t do anything about any of it but hope that you read this just so you know how I feel.
I worry about you, too. I worry about your heart and soul. I pray you’re being honest with yourself and giving yourself what you need. If so, then I can only sit back and thank god that you are and pray that he remove this love from my heart. I can’t keep loving you like this with nothing in return. I deserve what we have and so much more.
The Repressed Peach