All this writing and trying to get my emotions out and I’ve said little to nothing. Nothing I can say can express how deeply I feel. Nothing can describe the ache in my soul. No words can tell of the frustration or desire I feel. Nothing can ease my need for you. I can’t describe how I looked for you in everyone and everything I saw today. I went to Starbucks and ordered your drink. I got my hair done and saw a truck just like yours in the mirror and my heart stopped for a moment wondering if it was you. I saw a man across the room from me and I looked for you in his face. I saw another man and I looked again and to my disappointment he wasn’t you and I saw no resemblance of you. And nothing I write or say can tell of how many places in me hurt because of the disappointment I felt. I thought of you all day. If a stream of consciousness could be transcribed from my brain, one would see that every thought, song I listened to, things I saw, feelings I felt, food I tasted had a trace of you in them. Every thing. And god have I tried to make it stop. I’ve tried to distract myself and find thoughts and time without you. But the more I push you out the harder you flood back in.
I want to touch your soft face and run my fingers through your hair. I want to kiss your cheek and smell the scent of you. I want to run my hands along the strength of your chest and feel your body tremble under my touch. I want to feel your supple and full lips on mine and breathe you in. God I wish I could just see you and drink you in. Watch your strong hands lift the simplest form. Admire the strength of your legs flex under your chocolate brown skin. I want to feel the warmth of you near me. I want to feel your eyes gaze into mine and feel that energy, the connection that everyone can see. And I can’t. I can’t have any of these things and it kills me a little bit every day to know that my soul will starve without you. Without us. With nothing more. God. I pray for healing. I pray for this pain to go away. I pray for any comfort. And I find little. My stomach physically aches. My dreams are rampant and scary. My soul is tired and yearning for something it cannot have. My body needs your love and is withering away more and more as each day passes. My life needs you in it. I can’t wish it away no matter how hard I try. I can’t pray it away. And I can’t deny it. I fear we will become the sad love story that never was and I will eventually have to settle for someone to grow old with. Someone who is just good enough but will never be you. I can’t even begin to say how much I fucking hate that. I can’t imagine being single he remainder of my days but I sure can’t see being ok with someone who isn’t you.
I don’t know why I had to fall in love with you. I don’t know why you came into my life when you did. I don’t know why we have this electric energy that is beyond comprehension. I don’t know anything more than what I feel for you.
Even after all this writing, all the tears that have streamed down my face, all the aches in my soul, I am left with just as much feeling as I started with and no more answers than what I started with. No greater peace. No more angst assuaged. More remains to be written but words just don’t suffice.
The Repressed Peach