Goodness how my mind likes to take a break from the facade of trying to not miss you and let’s me drink you all in and enjoy you to the fullest. My mind let down its guard last night and dreamt of you. I dreamed that you were sick and had some medical testing done. Somehow, I arrived to the medical center and you greeted me with wide stretched, open arms and gave me a huge hug while telling me how much you missed me and then gave me a nice kiss in front of God and everyone.

It was so beautiful.

I needed that so much. Mentally, emotionally, physically, I needed your embrace. Even if it was just in my mind, I saw you and felt you as though it all really happened. God I don’t know what to make of it all. Some days it’s like I need to go to an institution and other days it feels so blissfully surreal that I must be having some tantric out of body experience. My heart hurts so much more than I allow it to acknowledge. My soul hurts so badly. My body aches and craves your touch that I actually feel starved. The depth at which I hurt is commensurate to the depth of how much I loved you. And still do.

My dreams are a testament to the longings of my soul. In my heart, I still want you. I want you to choose me. I want you to love me. And I want to be happiest with you all the rest of my days.

Last Friday was your birthday and I celebrated you from afar. I sent you a little love note just to share the celebration but I got no response. And that’s ok. But I would be lying if some part of me didn’t wish to hear back from you just to say “thanks” if nothing else. It’s hard not to miss you. It’s hard to not wish I could be with you right now. It’s all so hard and so sad.

Happy birthday, baby. I love you.


Always on my mind and forever in my heart,

The Repressed Peach

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