If you’re reading this… part 2

If you’re reading this I am really glad that you are. I have so much to say.

This note may find you confused or even a little nervous so I just want you to know that everything is ok. Just take a deep breath and read. This is one note of many that you may read to give you some insight about how I’ve managed to get through this incredible year. Incredibly hard, incredibly full of amazing opportunity, incredibly full or personal growth, and amazing amounts of incredible love for you. I haven’t said a lot about everything we have gone through and the only way I could process it all was to write.

So, I am applying to other schools and school districts to find a position elsewhere. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this, but at the end of the day we both deserve peace. I don’t like the idea that I may never see you again. I don’t like the idea that I may never hear you laugh again or see your beautiful smile. I don’t like the idea that I may never touch you again or feel the energy we share. I don’t know what is gonna come of the job applications so we may have to get through another year of trials together. It’s all up to fate to pull me elsewhere. I am not leaving because she’s asked me to and threatened me, but because I feel like I’m a thorn in your side. I feel like I’m in your way and I don’t like it. I want to empower and lift you up to live the best life you can. I want you to coach your team without a worry in the back of your mind, attend functions without stressing, I want you to live free. And you can’t with me in your daily life. Not under these circumstances anyway. So I’m working on it. I’m making my way to somewhere different. Just be patient with me as I work my way out the door.

If you find yourself missing us, just log in here and read one of the many entries that are about you and how much I’ve loved you. You’ve given me so much…so much to hope for, so much to live for, so much to dream of. I feel an eternal spring of love that flows freely beneath the surface of who I am. Not everyone gets to travel to this place as not everyone has what it takes to get there. But you, you tapped right into it. It is magical. Rare. Beautiful in every sense. I didn’t even know I had this in me until I met you. I didn’t know the depths to which I could love another person. We love our kids unconditionally and we attempt unconditional love in other relationships, but I found that I learned how to love you unconditionally. I got mad sometimes. My feelings got hurt sometimes. I yearned for more sometimes. But when I laid my head down each night and all of that faded away, I found myself thinking of who you are and all that’s good about you and it would all come back into perspective. You’re human. You’re fallible. You’re just a man. And yet, in my heart, that made me love you more. You are real to me. You’re not a fantasy in my head. You’re not some projection of my dreams. You’re really really just you. And in you, I could feel my best. I could grow into the woman god intended me to be.

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

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