It’s taken me nearly 48 hours to process Friday morning. Seeing your truck pull into my driveway shocked me. I watched you pull in and in a millisecond my heart raced, mind went full speed ahead and my body braced for all that was to come. Then you walked through my front door. I just about passed out. No lie.
It’s been nearly two years since you’ve been in my driveway. I’ve spent the last two years hoping and praying for the day when you would walk through my door again because in my mind it would mean you chose me; thankfully, you did, for the brief time we had together Friday morning.
It’s been nearly two years since you’ve kissed me and my God did it feel good to kiss your sweet full lips again. Another prayer answered. Another fear put to rest. Your kiss is nectar to my soul. It breathes life into me and makes me feel whole.
I don’t know that I’ve ever cried in front of you before but I did Friday morning. I couldn’t believe my eyes babe. I was shocked. As the shock wore off, nearly 48 hours later, I spent the last two hours driving home from the coast crying because I could finally process what Friday meant. I got the chance to reflect on how difficult the last two years have been for me and how much Friday morning brought me so much peace and happiness. We had a naked Friday!
In my reflecting though, I pray Friday wasn’t possible because you felt manipulated in any way and that you were here simply because of the desires of your heart. I hope it wasn’t just to relive days past and nothing more because for me it was so much more than just a nice trip down memory lane.
It felt so good to be intimate with you again. To curl up beside you in bed and talk to you. To hug you and kiss your body all over. To rub my hands all over your body and explore you. To have you gaze deep into my eyes and kiss my forehead. I want this with you all the time. Every time is like it’s the first time and I cherish it as though it may be the last time.
I understand our situation hasn’t changed. You’re still married and I’m still single and deeply in love with you. You’re just fully aware of how I feel about you now. You know my hopes and dreams for us. You know the depth of how I hurt when you’re not with me. And I still can’t do anything to change our situation. I can’t make you single. I can’t make you love me or choose me. I can’t make you do or say anything more than what you’ve chosen to do thus far.
Thank you for the gift of time you shared with me. Thank you for reading this and listening to my heart. Thank you for honoring my feelings and being kind no matter the situation.
Here are some hard questions though:
1. Why would you risk it all again for one more Friday?
2. Do you regret coming over?
3. Do you find yourself confused yet again and not knowing what to do?
4. Do you find yourself stressed with the drama and wonder why you’re doing this to yourself?
5. Do you wish something, anything, could be different?
6. Do you really want all of me and all that I bring to the table?
7. What is something I need to say to you that I haven’t?
8. What is something you need to say, but haven’t?
9. Do you love me and are you in love with me?
10. Where do we go from here?
God, do I wish I had courage to say these things to you instead of writing them. I’m scared babe. I’m scared of the answers to these questions. I’m scared to hurt and be rejected. But I’m also scared to spend another five years with you doing the same things we’ve done and being in the same place as we are now. I can’t do that to myself or to you and those you love.
No matter what, my feelings for you won’t change however, what I do about them might. Prayerfully, it will be mutually beneficial any which way it goes.
“You and I? We’ve only had moments but now we have time.” This is what I hope for us one day babe.
Most sincerely yours,
The Repressed Peach