Perfection

In me, you won’t find perfection. I’m tired too much. I’m hungry for life. I’m irritable at times. I am too passive in others. I am confident and can be brassy sometimes. I’m too driven some days. I have bad hair days. I have days where I wanna hang out in my jammies and eat bad food all day. I do however strive for balance.

You aren’t perfect either. You have all these same quirks and qualities about you and probably others I haven’t had the pleasure of learning.

Here’s the thing– I wanna know them all. I want to know every last bit about you and love it all.

Baby, I know you’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for me. Absolutely perfect and I love all of you.

You make my imperfections feel normal and accepted. You make me feel human and appreciated. I don’t feel the need to put up a facade or play games. I don’t do those things anyway, but I don’t feel any pressure or anxiety. You make me human and more whole.

I don’t understand why God let this love grow in my heart and then not allow us be together but like I’ve said before I have to keep hoping, loving and praying for us.

Look, I’ve tried the online dating thing. Trying to let this love grow elsewhere for someone else. Every time I try it, it doesn’t feel right and every time I get irritated and come back to the realization that nobody is gonna be you. Nobody. And I don’t want anyone who makes me feel anything less than what you do. I won’t. Period.

I’ve tried just being open to meeting new people in various situations and nothing. No chemistry. No energy. No vibe. Nothing. I just think of how you make me feel and what an amazing man you are and I can’t do anything more than say, “Nice to meet you. Have a good evening.”

You’re a man. Human. Fallible. Flawed. Whatever… I don’t give a damn. I love you. I love all of you. I’m sorry but that’s my truth and I simply can’t do anything to change it.

Imperfect yet hoping,

The Repressed Peach

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Mix tape: Side 1

Most people understand the purpose of a mix tape, right? You know you make a cassette tape of all the songs that you love, songs that make you love your lover a little more, songs that say all the things you wish you could say but find no words for. Well we don’t have cassette tapes anymore, cds are a thing of the past, and well making a playlist isn’t as convenient as it sounds.

So, this post is going to be my version of a mixtape! Every song speaks to the depths I feel for you. Where my words fail, music will fill the space. So here you go, baby. Here’s your mixtape. 😊

“Jealous” Labrinth

“Feels like home” Chantal Kreviazuk

“Have you Ever” Brandi

“Feel It” Jacquees

“Untitled (How does it feel)” Matt Bomer

“Love of my Life” Musiq Soulchild

“So beautiful” Musiq Soulchild

“One Woman One Man” Magic!

“Let your hair down” Magic!

“Me and You” Kenny Chesney

“Make You Feel My Love” Trisha Yearwood

This is Side 1. And I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think when you have time.

Side 2 is in the works. ❤️

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

48 hours

It’s taken me nearly 48 hours to process Friday morning. Seeing your truck pull into my driveway shocked me. I watched you pull in and in a millisecond my heart raced, mind went full speed ahead and my body braced for all that was to come. Then you walked through my front door. I just about passed out. No lie.

It’s been nearly two years since you’ve been in my driveway. I’ve spent the last two years hoping and praying for the day when you would walk through my door again because in my mind it would mean you chose me; thankfully, you did, for the brief time we had together Friday morning.

It’s been nearly two years since you’ve kissed me and my God did it feel good to kiss your sweet full lips again. Another prayer answered. Another fear put to rest. Your kiss is nectar to my soul. It breathes life into me and makes me feel whole.

I don’t know that I’ve ever cried in front of you before but I did Friday morning. I couldn’t believe my eyes babe. I was shocked. As the shock wore off, nearly 48 hours later, I spent the last two hours driving home from the coast crying because I could finally process what Friday meant. I got the chance to reflect on how difficult the last two years have been for me and how much Friday morning brought me so much peace and happiness. We had a naked Friday!

In my reflecting though, I pray Friday wasn’t possible because you felt manipulated in any way and that you were here simply because of the desires of your heart. I hope it wasn’t just to relive days past and nothing more because for me it was so much more than just a nice trip down memory lane.

It felt so good to be intimate with you again. To curl up beside you in bed and talk to you. To hug you and kiss your body all over. To rub my hands all over your body and explore you. To have you gaze deep into my eyes and kiss my forehead. I want this with you all the time. Every time is like it’s the first time and I cherish it as though it may be the last time.

I understand our situation hasn’t changed. You’re still married and I’m still single and deeply in love with you. You’re just fully aware of how I feel about you now. You know my hopes and dreams for us. You know the depth of how I hurt when you’re not with me. And I still can’t do anything to change our situation. I can’t make you single. I can’t make you love me or choose me. I can’t make you do or say anything more than what you’ve chosen to do thus far.

Thank you for the gift of time you shared with me. Thank you for reading this and listening to my heart. Thank you for honoring my feelings and being kind no matter the situation.

Here are some hard questions though:

1. Why would you risk it all again for one more Friday?

2. Do you regret coming over?

3. Do you find yourself confused yet again and not knowing what to do?

4. Do you find yourself stressed with the drama and wonder why you’re doing this to yourself?

5. Do you wish something, anything, could be different?

6. Do you really want all of me and all that I bring to the table?

7. What is something I need to say to you that I haven’t?

8. What is something you need to say, but haven’t?

9. Do you love me and are you in love with me?

10. Where do we go from here?

God, do I wish I had courage to say these things to you instead of writing them. I’m scared babe. I’m scared of the answers to these questions. I’m scared to hurt and be rejected. But I’m also scared to spend another five years with you doing the same things we’ve done and being in the same place as we are now. I can’t do that to myself or to you and those you love.

No matter what, my feelings for you won’t change however, what I do about them might. Prayerfully, it will be mutually beneficial any which way it goes.

“You and I? We’ve only had moments but now we have time.” This is what I hope for us one day babe.

Most sincerely yours,

The Repressed Peach

Patience.

It’s tough when you know what you want, why you want it and such but have to wait for said thing to manifest in its own time. Like seeds in a garden, proper nourishment, time and attention yield a bountiful harvest. The same applies to relationships, business ventures, parenting, life choices, etc. Knowing what you want is easy however the work is hard and time doesn’t move faster no matter how much you want it to. Time still ticks by second by second while dreams sit idle by, hearts break and the sun sets on the garden.

Being patient is difficult. We want what we want right now. We want the garden to give us our veggies faster, our waistlines shrink at the gym faster, lovers to respond quickly, relationships to be kindled quickly and last forever. It’s the hamartia of our generation. Nobody really wants to put in the time and effort to make anything last nor do they want to sit back and enjoy the journey getting there. Now don’t get me wrong… this is a generalization for society at large. Some people have perfected the art of sit and wait but society as a whole has become so accustomed to instant gratification that hard work and patience are skills few learn to possess.

Waiting is serious business. It’s not for the faint of heart or the absent minded. It requires faith, hope, love, dedication, humility, and just grit. Grit and heaping amounts of grace.

I’m in a season of waiting. And waiting is what I will do. I’m not in any hurry for anything to be something it isn’t supposed to be. I’m gonna keep doing what I’ve been doing…living, loving, hoping, praying and working my ass off like I always do. In time, good things will come, like they always do. And it will be worth it in the end like it always is. I guess I’m one that has perfected the art of sit and wait.

Patiently yours,

The Repressed Peach

Hi.

Hi baby! I miss you. I wish I could kiss your face and hug your body. I would love to hear your voice in my ear and feel all the feels I feel when you resonate in my mind. I want to laugh with you and talk about all the things that makes our world go round. I want to talk basketball with you and joke about the upcoming football season. I want to know how the job changes are affecting you or not. I want to hear how your weekend was and what plans you have for summer. I would love to share my birthday shenanigans and Mother’s Day fun with you. I would love to tell you about the fears I have about my upcoming surgery and how much I wish you could be by my side when I have it. I wish I could just sit and be with you for a time. In my mind, you’re right here with me and you’re just a thought or breath away. I’m here, you’re there, but still we are one. Connected forever, near or far, moments or years apart, and always in my heart.

Love ya my big daddy 😘,

The Repressed Peach

Choices.

Since the beginning of time choices have set a course for all of humanity. Some choices have propelled us forward while others have set us back in various ways. It’s the ability to think through choices before taking action that ensures the best decisions are made during critical moments of time in life and throughout society. Thinking before acting is a mature skill that many have not developed thoroughly.

As we’ve grown through this experience, I’ve kinda bellyached off and on about not choosing me where some days I was understanding and other days I was upset or disappointed. As I reflect on each day, each moment, each setback to grow forward together I realize that your choices are purposeful. I can neither be mad nor disappointed as it is your life and your journey. As it was in the beginning, it will remain that choices will create a path that God intended. Your choices positively influence my path as well. Every decision you make to not engage, not call, not visit, not write/text, etc. paves a future for both of us. Separately or together, it’s all part of the journey. Some days I find comfort in this, other days I am disappointed.

I want you in my world. I just do.

For whatever reason God has in his divine plan, we are connected but not together. I have to understand and have faith in God’s intent for us. I have to breathe and think through the disappointment and missing you to get back to the understanding. Choices. Again, I can choose how I think and ultimately feel about this. I can exercise wisdom and imagine that you’re choosing paths that are right for you.

There’s a piece of this that makes me curious though… are you choosing out of fear or choosing because of what’s right? I honestly wonder sometimes if we would destroy each other if we were together. I wonder if you would love all the things that are quirky and unique about me. I wonder if the way I get wrapped up in my work would cause you unrest. Or if when I read and seek solitude for a time would hurt your feelings. I wonder if we would get caught up in the mundane of being parents, homeowners, working class people. Would we find time to love each other and celebrate the beautiful qualities we each have. Would we be able to take romantic getaways and nights out on the town or would we just be bogged down with exes and the drama that often entails. So at times I find that maybe you’re not choosing me now is preparing a path for us that’s even better than what it could possibly be right now. I have to maintain my faith that you’re part of my future. I just can’t let that go. It seems silly to others who don’t know us because they don’t know what we have but it’s my truth. And this is the truth I choose. Every day. Every day I choose you.

Willingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Don’t forget me

The one thing that keeps circling around my mind is that I really hope you don’t forget me. I hope you don’t push our memories so far out of your mind that I become only a faint memory, a dusty picture lingering in the back of your mind. I pray that your body doesn’t forget the love we shared. I pray that your lips long for mine if even for a split second while you shower in the morning or as you drift off to sleep at night. I pray that the way my body felt next to yours remains a bright memory of a deep passion that will sustain you for many many moons. Maybe your days will be full of little reminders of me and the time we spent loving each other. Maybe the songs in your playlist will trigger beautiful memories and your body and soul will relish the recollection. I just pray that as time between us passes that I’m never more than a thought away. Never more than just a moment to yourself to play back the entire five year reel of love and passion we created together. Just don’t forget me. I know I will never forget you.

Always in my heart,

The Repressed Peach