Since the beginning of time choices have set a course for all of humanity. Some choices have propelled us forward while others have set us back in various ways. It’s the ability to think through choices before taking action that ensures the best decisions are made during critical moments of time in life and throughout society. Thinking before acting is a mature skill that many have not developed thoroughly.
As we’ve grown through this experience, I’ve kinda bellyached off and on about not choosing me where some days I was understanding and other days I was upset or disappointed. As I reflect on each day, each moment, each setback to grow forward together I realize that your choices are purposeful. I can neither be mad nor disappointed as it is your life and your journey. As it was in the beginning, it will remain that choices will create a path that God intended. Your choices positively influence my path as well. Every decision you make to not engage, not call, not visit, not write/text, etc. paves a future for both of us. Separately or together, it’s all part of the journey. Some days I find comfort in this, other days I am disappointed.
I want you in my world. I just do.
For whatever reason God has in his divine plan, we are connected but not together. I have to understand and have faith in God’s intent for us. I have to breathe and think through the disappointment and missing you to get back to the understanding. Choices. Again, I can choose how I think and ultimately feel about this. I can exercise wisdom and imagine that you’re choosing paths that are right for you.
There’s a piece of this that makes me curious though… are you choosing out of fear or choosing because of what’s right? I honestly wonder sometimes if we would destroy each other if we were together. I wonder if you would love all the things that are quirky and unique about me. I wonder if the way I get wrapped up in my work would cause you unrest. Or if when I read and seek solitude for a time would hurt your feelings. I wonder if we would get caught up in the mundane of being parents, homeowners, working class people. Would we find time to love each other and celebrate the beautiful qualities we each have. Would we be able to take romantic getaways and nights out on the town or would we just be bogged down with exes and the drama that often entails. So at times I find that maybe you’re not choosing me now is preparing a path for us that’s even better than what it could possibly be right now. I have to maintain my faith that you’re part of my future. I just can’t let that go. It seems silly to others who don’t know us because they don’t know what we have but it’s my truth. And this is the truth I choose. Every day. Every day I choose you.
The Repressed Peach