Better than I ever had.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, most notably my failed marriage. I’ve loved hard in each of the relationships and I’ve learned so much about myself and the depths to which I love and why I love people the way I do. I’ve learned what makes my heart skip a beat, the butterflies flutter in my tummy, and give life to the warmth of my soul.

Like the tender touch of a man’s strong hand on the small of my back. The tender smile during a shared joke or memory. Romantic gestures like a song sang softly in my ear while dancing in the living room. Warm, starlit nights in the backyard listening to music. Passionate kisses under the shower head, bodies wet and pressed against each other. The tiniest streak of jealousy exposed when a moment of time is stolen by another. One of my favorites is in the heat of passion, being lifted swiftly up around the hips of my man, and the kissing that follows. I have so many moments collected throughout the years from various experiences and yet no individual person gave me as much insight and memories as you.

Perspective.

Imagine only having Saturday sex in the shower with no foreplay, no passion, no tenderness, just obligation, selfishness, and mechanical sex. That was four years of my marriage. Not much compared to some, but a lifetime for me. I can’t operate like that. My husband, the person who was supposed to love and cherish me all my days, the person who fathered my child, was only interested in me after he was wasted. Imagine the person you’re married to only wants to have sex with you while they’re drunk. I’ve had many experiences and I can tell you that I have never felt so cheap and used. I felt taken and disgusted by the sex not cherished or loved. I didn’t even feel liked. I could’ve just been a hole in the wall and gotten as much out of the experience with the same result for him. My own husband made me feel like a cheap whore. As you can imagine, anything better than that had to be pretty good.

But baby, you were so much more than “pretty good”. Despite the imperfect nature of our relationship, you always made me feel like a queen. And not just any queen. I always felt like your queen. You cherished me. You made sure I heard it. You made sure I felt it in every touch of my body. Every word you uttered built me up and breathed life into me. Every moment you gave to me, no matter how long, gave me hope and peace. I felt connected to you in every way possible all the time. I never felt cheap. I never felt used. I never felt “less than”. I never felt empty. I never felt a void that needed to be filled. I never felt disrespected. Ever. And I still haven’t. Baby, in all that we’ve been through in this, you’ve been the best I’ve ever had. Hands down. The. Best. Ever.

I can’t imagine someone giving me anything more than what you have. I can’t imagine a partner who I understand without a single word uttered. A man who completes me in deeper ways than I can express. A soul so connected to me that I can nearly feel your battles waging war inside your heart. You’ll always be the best I ever had in this way too. ❤️

I feel like anyone else is just someone I would have to settle for. Someone who does just enough to maintain a decent relationship but lacks the passion we share. I don’t know if I can sentence myself to a life like that. I don’t know if I can have less than what you’ve given me. You’ve set the bar high babe.

Undyingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Release.

I find myself in a season of needing release. Release in various forms.

I need to release my anger, sadness, frustration. I need to release ill-conceived ideas of what things should be… how I should look, what I should be doing, what job I should have, what I should do with my Sunday mornings, how I should feel about the death of my dad, nephew, and step dad, how I should behave. The thing that’s really messing with me is this idea that I should hope, hold out, and stay loyal.

Today I did yoga in my living room with a free video on amazon prime. I did it in my birthday suit just to really be raw and embrace the moment. While I worked out I felt the narrative of “I should be more flexible than this.” “I should be able to make that move.” “I should have never stopped working out.” “I should be thinner than I am.” “I should love myself like I am.” “I should let go and just be.” Should. It’s a fucking curse. I would like to eradicate it from my vocabulary and I would like to just be free. Free in every form. I am going to practice my freedom. I’m free to feel any which way I want to. My feelings aren’t wrong. It’s ok to be disappointed in myself and others. It’s ok to find myself wanting more and being picky about relationships. It’s ok that I have standards for myself and others and I will allow myself the freedom to maintain them.

I even felt the “should” reach far into my mental health as I thought about the medicine my doc prescribed a couple months ago. I stopped taking them because I thought my issues were situational and would be resolved once I pushed over the hump. But lately I’ve felt the same lethargy, withdrawal, and angst creep back into my head space. As I reached into the pantry for the medicine bottle I heard this little voice say “you shouldn’t need these. Why can’t you just naturally be happy?” And you know what? I hope that I get there one day, but right now that isn’t where I’m at. So I’m gonna get back on track with the medicine and give myself freedom to feel happy even with the support of medicine. Even as educated about this stuff as I am, the human condition intervenes, I find myself in need of support, and then the stigma of medication sneaks its way into my mind. I’m a mental health professional, I know better… yet, I’m in the same boat as many others. I’m accepting this truth about myself for this time.

I want a lot for myself. I want health, stability, a partner, a happy home, a great career, and to feel alive and passionate about all that I do. I believe if I release all of the “should” curses from my narrative, I will succeed in finding all that I need and want for all domains in my life.

I hope to find the strength each day to release one “should” from my self-talk and action. Maybe you need to find the power to release them too and maybe your journey will be full of freedom, power, happiness, and purpose as I hope to gain in my own.

Sincerely,

The Repressed Peach