I find myself in a season of needing release. Release in various forms.
I need to release my anger, sadness, frustration. I need to release ill-conceived ideas of what things should be… how I should look, what I should be doing, what job I should have, what I should do with my Sunday mornings, how I should feel about the death of my dad, nephew, and step dad, how I should behave. The thing that’s really messing with me is this idea that I should hope, hold out, and stay loyal.
Today I did yoga in my living room with a free video on amazon prime. I did it in my birthday suit just to really be raw and embrace the moment. While I worked out I felt the narrative of “I should be more flexible than this.” “I should be able to make that move.” “I should have never stopped working out.” “I should be thinner than I am.” “I should love myself like I am.” “I should let go and just be.” Should. It’s a fucking curse. I would like to eradicate it from my vocabulary and I would like to just be free. Free in every form. I am going to practice my freedom. I’m free to feel any which way I want to. My feelings aren’t wrong. It’s ok to be disappointed in myself and others. It’s ok to find myself wanting more and being picky about relationships. It’s ok that I have standards for myself and others and I will allow myself the freedom to maintain them.
I even felt the “should” reach far into my mental health as I thought about the medicine my doc prescribed a couple months ago. I stopped taking them because I thought my issues were situational and would be resolved once I pushed over the hump. But lately I’ve felt the same lethargy, withdrawal, and angst creep back into my head space. As I reached into the pantry for the medicine bottle I heard this little voice say “you shouldn’t need these. Why can’t you just naturally be happy?” And you know what? I hope that I get there one day, but right now that isn’t where I’m at. So I’m gonna get back on track with the medicine and give myself freedom to feel happy even with the support of medicine. Even as educated about this stuff as I am, the human condition intervenes, I find myself in need of support, and then the stigma of medication sneaks its way into my mind. I’m a mental health professional, I know better… yet, I’m in the same boat as many others. I’m accepting this truth about myself for this time.
I want a lot for myself. I want health, stability, a partner, a happy home, a great career, and to feel alive and passionate about all that I do. I believe if I release all of the “should” curses from my narrative, I will succeed in finding all that I need and want for all domains in my life.
I hope to find the strength each day to release one “should” from my self-talk and action. Maybe you need to find the power to release them too and maybe your journey will be full of freedom, power, happiness, and purpose as I hope to gain in my own.
The Repressed Peach