Here it is the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. You were in my dreams large as life and the emotion and sense of you so strong it me woke up.
It was my first day at my new school. I was on time and ready to work. As I walked through the halls headed to my office, you turned a corner and walked right to me, smiled, said Good Morning, and gave me a hug. I was surprised you were there to greet me. I didn’t have any idea you were gonna do that so I was pleasantly taken aback. As you walked away to go to your own school, you turned and gave me one of your big beautiful smiles and told me bye. It set my heart ablaze with so much love for you. I felt full of happiness, surprise, love, excitement and gratitude.
While the dream lasted just a few moments and just this one interaction took place it was so powerful for me. I love your support in my successes. I love how you lift me up and praise my work baby. With the new job coming up soon I am excited to get started so I can work with kids and get myself established but I also hope for some unexpected blessings and surprises just like what I dreamed of. Flowers or cards would be nice but seeing you would be better. ❤️
I love you babe. Always.
The Repressed Peach
Time to level up y’all. 💯
I finally got my dream job!! I’ve been hired as a high school guidance counselor at a local school district! This is my ultimate life goal ACHIEVED!!
Ya know that Drake song “Started from the bottom”? Yeah well that just became my life theme song!! I sure as hell started at the bottom and now I’ve achieved my life’s goal doing my life’s work, living the dream! I couldn’t be happier or more excited! I feel the vibe flowing through my veins and happiness washing over me. I am on Cloud 9 and then some!
Now I’m ready to turn up and turn out, let the realest version of me be on full display.
A new version is borne at every turn but his is the ultimate transformation and achievement.
And it’s all about my why… kids. Every day it’s about being a voice for the voiceless and advocating for the disenfranchised. It’s the reason God made me.
Onward and upward my friends… oh wait… I’ve reached the top!! Now to enjoy the view and soak up the learning from my journey!
The Repressed Peach
There’s this undercurrent of longing that runs just below the surface of my mind but edges deep into my soul. Nothing can ease it. No salve can be found in the medicine cabinet or at the bottom of a bottle that can touch the need my soul feels. Sometimes I ignore it out of a need to survive. Other times I get angry at it because I wish I could wish it away but it doesn’t budge. In other posts I’ve called this feeling “angst” however I’m getting more acquainted with the emotion and it’s just shit tons of love sitting in store waiting to be released. It’s not a bad feeling at all, it’s lots of really good goodness bubbling to spill out and on to you. Sometimes holding all be good back makes my heart ache a bit so I get confused about what I’m really feeling. But me and this love are friends, not foe, so I will stay in close kinship and get used to it more and more every day. My soul hungers to feel alive again under your gaze. My skin desires your strong, long fingers stroking it. My eyes are sore for the sight of your amazing smile. I nearly have an earache listening so hard for your laugh or the sound of your voice. Do you know how much comfort your voice brings to me? God do I love it so much.
This love exists for you regardless of what you do, the status of our relationship, my actions, or anything else. This is unconditional, no strings attached love. Pure and true. It’s my fountain of hope, truth, faith, passion, and warmth. So while the fountain does what fountains do, I will press on each day with all the goodness of which the fountain pours into me. And maybe, I might let some of that goodness spill out onto others just so I can see life spring forth in people’s eyes and they benefit from the intense love I have for you. Now that I’m thinking of it, I will share a little bit more love with myself and God.
Until next time babe. 😊❤️
The Repressed Peach
I remember the first day we met each other like it was yesterday. I was instantly intrigued by you with a hint of attraction. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor lust. I just felt this point of interest and my soul kinda raised its head. After our formal introductions by our supervisors you didn’t shake my hand. In fact you barely looked at me. I felt it was a little odd but I didn’t take offense. Yet somehow I felt a connection with you.
I start working in the office. I’m learning people. Getting a lay of the land. Trying to understand the new career and the new rules of the civilian workplace after years in the military. I was ready for the change and came in with an open heart and mind to all the possibilities the change held for me and my life. I was just coming up out of the hell of divorce/separation and financially I was still in ruins. I was eager for all the upswings in my life when I was offered the job. However, I didn’t have any expectation for what was to come. Unexpectedly though, I had this immediate connection to you and this strong curiosity about who you were and what you were all about.
So, day after day I just sat back and watched you, quietly to myself. I observed your mannerisms. I watched the way you walked. I took note of when you were tired or irritated. I listened when you spoke. I was entertained by your passionate responses when being cornered by leadership. I watched your interactions with kids and adults alike and found you sincere and compassionate. I liked the ease with which you existed. I took every chance I could to learn about you and understand you. I found you so intriguing and I felt the blooms of attraction rising in my soul but I was trying to ignore it and write it off as feeling the groove of goodness in my life. I even told a friend of mine that I found myself thinking about you after work to which I said out loud for everyone’s benefit, “I need to quit that though. He’s married and is such a good guy.” I tried to reel myself in a bit and not feed the thoughts or intrigue. Yet day after day when I came to work I found myself eager to see you. Even if I just saw you in the morning for two minutes during the pledges and alma mater, I was satisfied knowing you were there. On days you were out I felt angsty and irritable. In hindsight, it seems silly to have such strong feelings either way considering we hadn’t talked much beyond work stuff. Then a couple months in, we had a discussion about food and where to get the best tacos. After that whenever I went to that taco shop I would get you a taco too. Just a little treat here and there, nothing too crazy, just a little offering of friendship with no expectation of anything more. This seemed to open the door of conversation and I could learn more about you. At this point I was still curious about you, interested in knowing you more, and my attraction to you was growing. The attraction was deep. It wasn’t how you looked, although you’re so damn handsome, it was your soul I was attracted to. It was this vibe that came with you when you entered a room that was palpable and so soothing to my soul. We still hadn’t exchanged numbers, not even for work stuff so our interactions were limited to work. This made it easier for me to see you for who you were in the daily grind, not some version of you underlined by a personal connection. And then our fateful day in April 2012 when we hugged for the first time ever over a silly joke we had going all day. You remember that day don’t you? That was a hug for the ages as I hadn’t ever felt so much chemistry or electricity pass between two people. That day was the day that pulled the ripcord on all the feelings I had held back and bottled up. It was the day I realized within myself that I had fallen in love with you. I was head over heels in love and I barely even knew it was happening. ❤️ I’ve only grown to love you more and more every day since then. The quote above is so true “she fell in love with his soul before she could ever touch his skin…”. I loved you before and I’ve loved you ever since.
The Repressed Peach