Until I touched you.

I remember the first day we met each other like it was yesterday. I was instantly intrigued by you with a hint of attraction. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor lust. I just felt this point of interest and my soul kinda raised its head. After our formal introductions by our supervisors you didn’t shake my hand. In fact you barely looked at me. I felt it was a little odd but I didn’t take offense. Yet somehow I felt a connection with you.

I start working in the office. I’m learning people. Getting a lay of the land. Trying to understand the new career and the new rules of the civilian workplace after years in the military. I was ready for the change and came in with an open heart and mind to all the possibilities the change held for me and my life. I was just coming up out of the hell of divorce/separation and financially I was still in ruins. I was eager for all the upswings in my life when I was offered the job. However, I didn’t have any expectation for what was to come. Unexpectedly though, I had this immediate connection to you and this strong curiosity about who you were and what you were all about.

So, day after day I just sat back and watched you, quietly to myself. I observed your mannerisms. I watched the way you walked. I took note of when you were tired or irritated. I listened when you spoke. I was entertained by your passionate responses when being cornered by leadership. I watched your interactions with kids and adults alike and found you sincere and compassionate. I liked the ease with which you existed. I took every chance I could to learn about you and understand you. I found you so intriguing and I felt the blooms of attraction rising in my soul but I was trying to ignore it and write it off as feeling the groove of goodness in my life. I even told a friend of mine that I found myself thinking about you after work to which I said out loud for everyone’s benefit, “I need to quit that though. He’s married and is such a good guy.” I tried to reel myself in a bit and not feed the thoughts or intrigue. Yet day after day when I came to work I found myself eager to see you. Even if I just saw you in the morning for two minutes during the pledges and alma mater, I was satisfied knowing you were there. On days you were out I felt angsty and irritable. In hindsight, it seems silly to have such strong feelings either way considering we hadn’t talked much beyond work stuff. Then a couple months in, we had a discussion about food and where to get the best tacos. After that whenever I went to that taco shop I would get you a taco too. Just a little treat here and there, nothing too crazy, just a little offering of friendship with no expectation of anything more. This seemed to open the door of conversation and I could learn more about you. At this point I was still curious about you, interested in knowing you more, and my attraction to you was growing. The attraction was deep. It wasn’t how you looked, although you’re so damn handsome, it was your soul I was attracted to. It was this vibe that came with you when you entered a room that was palpable and so soothing to my soul. We still hadn’t exchanged numbers, not even for work stuff so our interactions were limited to work. This made it easier for me to see you for who you were in the daily grind, not some version of you underlined by a personal connection. And then our fateful day in April 2012 when we hugged for the first time ever over a silly joke we had going all day. You remember that day don’t you? That was a hug for the ages as I hadn’t ever felt so much chemistry or electricity pass between two people. That day was the day that pulled the ripcord on all the feelings I had held back and bottled up. It was the day I realized within myself that I had fallen in love with you. I was head over heels in love and I barely even knew it was happening. ❤️ I’ve only grown to love you more and more every day since then. The quote above is so true “she fell in love with his soul before she could ever touch his skin…”. I loved you before and I’ve loved you ever since.

Truly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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