So I have achieved my life dream. I literally have accomplished the goal I’ve been working toward for more than a decade. So you’d think that I would feel some kind of way, right? Like it would settle into my brain and I would feel a sense of relief, peace, honor, pride, confidence, etc., right? For instance, when an athlete achieves a time goal or distance goal isn’t there this insane confidence boost and euphoric experience? For some reason I feel some of these emotions but I feel disconnected from the rest of them. It’s like I know what I’ve done and where I am but it’s not registering. Maybe it’s shock… maybe I didn’t think I would get to this point in my life or maybe I don’t know why I deserve the opportunity. I can’t figure out the disconnection. Don’t get me wrong, I am on cloud nine and feeling very excited about my new career. I’m grateful for my new team and leadership staff. I feel welcome and happy. But it’s like two different phases of me… one side knows what it knows and the other feels something but it’s like they’re separate events or actions. Maybe my head and heart haven’t made the distance to make a connection yet. It’s just all so surreal. I feel like I’m in a dream and it’s the best dream ever and the reality hasn’t settled into my conscience. What is it that keeps me from connecting the two pieces more easily? Is it because I’m humble? It is because I have a self-deprecating narrative? Is it because I’m in shock? Or fear? Is there something I haven’t realized yet? Is it a protective measure so I don’t experience disappointment if something goes wrong? Sometimes I feel so confused by why I can’t process the good things that happen to me better than, or just as good as, the things that challenge me or cause setbacks. I’m not a toot-my-own-horn kind of gal. I don’t need a lot of fanfare or attention. In fact, just a kind word or pat on the back is enough for me. Truthfully though, this accomplishment seems bigger than that. I feel like I would celebrate someone else to the nth degree if they had accomplished what I have and yet I’m back here playing it cool and just excited to get to work. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is there anything wrong with me? Maybe I just need time to let it all sink in and then I’ll be able to relish in the achievement. And maybe I need to just stop and pray to God for delivering on my prayers in many ways.
The Repressed Peach