Advocacy

I have a severe issue with self-advocacy.

It seems that I can stick up for other people really well. I can help them with their own issues. I can support them by being a great listener and even offering sound bits of advice as appropriate. With my child I am a staunch advocate for him that he is taken care of and respected well by adults and children alike. However, when it comes to me and what I need, I have a hard time asking for it. I have a hard time drawing the proverbial line in the sand about what I will allow to happen to me in my life. I have decent boundaries though, which is a good first step, but past that when looking at how I allow people to treat me is very poor. I know on a cognitive level that I don’t deserve the treatment. I don’t deserve the snide remarks. I don’t deserve being dis-invited to weddings or being left out of special ceremonies. I can think of no specific thing that I have done that would warrant such actions against me. Even asking why I was dis-invited or being left out causes me a ton of anxiety. I feel as though I am asking things that I don’t deserve to ask or that I am out of line for thinking I deserve to be treated differently than what I am. As a counselor I know that this line of thinking is absurd. I cognitively know something different than what I believe yet I feel powerless to change my thinking.

I want to be able to say to someone, “Hey, you know when you said/did/asked _______? I wonder where that was coming from because I was hurt/angry/confused/sad, etc. Can you give me some more insight about that situation.” I just don’t have the confidence in myself right now to do that and I’m not sure why. Strange how I can teach others to do just that and ask themselves to believe in their truths, trust their feelings, go with their heart, make no apologies for themselves, and yet here I sit writing this post wondering why I cannot take my own advice. Why can’t I ask the hard questions? Why can’t I face the truth head on? Why can’t I ask someone to treat me better/different because I am worthy?

As I have thought through all of this I think it is all rooted in fear. I fear rejection. I fear the unequivocal truths that will result. I fear people thinking I am better than I am. I fear being disappointed by my own actions. I fear overstepping boundaries or some social rule that I am not aware of. And I know that I shouldn’t be so afraid. Surely, so much of this is miscommunication and misunderstanding or even lack of information. Conversely, when someone has an issue with me or I have committed some perceived grave injustice then I am quick to hop on the issue at hand and address it. I don’t want others to harbor any ill will toward me about an unfortunate issue and I want to address it head on. Not all things that come up warrant a reaction though so I choose my battles. I am constantly aware of how my behavior and words affect others and I go to great pains to ensure that I cause them no unrest. Am I perfect? Read any other post in this blog and you will find evidence to the contrary.  So I am not perfect, not by any stretch. However, I know I work to prevent issues and I work to resolve the ones I cause.

My inability to advocate for myself is causing me unhappiness. I am internalizing the misperceptions and miscommunications and harboring them as evidence that I am unacceptable, unloved, disregarded, inconvenient, and unworthy. I am allowing my inability to speak up for myself to turn into some sour attitude which then seeps out at the most inopportune times. Maybe I’m feeling a little too vulnerable and I say something out of character. Or maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude and I lash out in frustration. I feel the sticky ugliness of these pent up feelings residing within my heart and soul and they’re making me ill. I feel the well rising and it’s about to crest. I have to change this behavior and my thinking around it so that I can be well and feel free to express myself appropriately. This is just one of many things that I wish to improve upon. Any sage advice or tips are welcome.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

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Never better!

Baby I’ve never felt better! I’m over the moon in love with you. In love with your body. In love with the way you touched me last night. In love with the passion we shared and all the intimate moments created that are beyond words and comprehension. You’ve never made love to me like you did last night. We went places in our connection that we’ve only brushed the surface of before but last night we dove head first into the pool. No restrictions. No moment of pause. No breaks or time outs. We just went to that place and stayed for over an hour.

I’ve replayed each moment in my mind at least a 100 times and find myself relishing every single second. Beyond the physical, I enjoyed every unspoken moment shared, every feeling we felt and caused in each other. Those are the moments that make my heart swell and brim full of love for you. The waves of passion and ecstasy sweep through me over and over again. And like every time before, I feel so satisfied yet I long for more. I want to be with you, beside you… I want to talk about last night and kiss you while we recount the moments. I want to weave my fingers between yours and feel the power of your strength fulfilling me. My body aches in all the right places from the sexcapade we enjoyed. A wonderful experience I haven’t had in nearly 10 years! And my god was it worth the wait!

I wish I knew how to put into words what magic we weave. I feel so much, long for so much, love so much but it’s all indescribable. It’s just amazing. Maybe someone outside of us can see it and explain it but every time I even try I feel like I’m just dancing on the edge of epitome but can no more fully reach the idea than I can reach out and touch the stars. The beauty and majesty are just as pure and true as the stars in the night sky. Very present, very real and so incredibly magical. You are my magic man baby. 😊 You’re my love. I know you enjoyed our time together just as much. Yesterday morning and late last night we made some magic love together and played hard together. And god was it amazing!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me baby. I can’t wait until next time! ❤️

Love you always,

The Repressed Peach