Unloved. Unwanted. Unwell. Underprepared. Uncertain. Unfulfilled.
All of these words and more are the words I can use to describe myself as a young person. And until today my parents were unforgiven for this. See in my mind it was their fault for not being who I needed them to be when I was a child. It was their fault I felt unloved at every turn. It was their fault I felt unsupported and unwanted. It was their fault that I grew up with hardships and uncertainty. I was their fault they had addictions and predilections unfettered while trying to raise kids. It was all their fault. And I’ve honestly held them in contempt for quite some time. Because in my head there are some irrefutable truths:
Crimes against children cannot be expunged. Crimes against children cannot be forgiven. Crimes against yourself that affect children cannot be forgotten. Ever.
However, it was taught to me today, in church, that these crimes and transgressions are indeed forgivable. And since God himself has already forgiven, so shall I. It was hard to feel all the angst and anger rise up in my mind while sitting in church. I don’t like that feeling. But nearly instantly God came to my mind, calmed me, and spoke gently… forgive. Let go. Give it to me. And I saw myself knelt at his feet, crying, asking him to heal my broken heart.
It isn’t my mom’s fault she was broken and unprepared to raise three children. It wasn’t then and it isn’t now. (However, I do wish she would learn the errors of her ways and change, but that comes next.) Life for her wasn’t her fault. She made bad choices, sure, but those stemmed from deeper issues.
My dad, dead, gone and still wreaking havoc on my heart, wasn’t at fault for being an alcoholic and homeless. Again, his issues stemmed from deeper problems that weren’t his to control.
So all of these feelings of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for, and more are done. That’s how I felt then, but not how I have to feel now. And I can choose forgiveness. I can choose to forgive the crimes against me as a child. I can let go and give those issues to God because he spared me from so much even then and he spares me every day. Because although my earthly parents made me feel all the un-‘s, God provides the perfect love, the perfect grace and mercy, he provides the unconditional support and favor, he alone provides all that I need, or needed when I was a child. He was there every step of the way, shielding my heart, mind and body from all the terrors that could’ve been. He definitely delivered me from all the terrors that were.
So today, I am relinquishing all of the unforgiveness that I have harbored. I’m choosing forgiveness today and every day forward because I no longer want to hurt and be hurt by past transgressions. I’m done with it. I give it all to God to help me heal and be better tomorrow than I was today. I release all the un-‘s and wish to see all the possibilities of the “I am…”.
Dad, I forgive you for being less than what I expected and needed. I forgive you and release all of my hurt. Rest in heaven among the angels and be at peace.
Mom, I forgive you for not being all I needed and wanted in a mother. I forgive you for the hurt and pain you’ve caused. I choose to release all of my pent up anger and frustration and choose to rely on God for guidance about how to help you see God’s grace and mercy in your life. I look forward to the healing I will feel in this.
The Repressed Peach