Tim McGraw shoves a spear through my heart with his song “One of These Days”. As an adult I feel waves of emotion wash over me as I feel the lyrics of this song move through my soul. I recount all the events that I’ve experienced in my life from childhood trauma from family issues, childhood bullying issues, and the self-loathing developed in response.
I see myself in this song and so closely identify with the words. The emotions conjured in my heart flow from my eyes and I understand myself just a bit better. I’ve heard the song a billion times yet just in the last year has the song reached the depths of my soul.
Bottom line is I’ve never felt accepted by anyone. I’ve never felt embraced for who I am. As an adult, I realize that I’ve wanted pure acceptance from someone all of my life. I’ve longed for unconditional love and have grown accustomed to not having it. I’ve learned over time that being smart and having the answers garnered me some level of acceptance and intrigue so I’ve always just relied on that to help me feel some kind of acceptance so I’ve defaulted to valuing my intelligence over other things.
However, I seem to have found unconditional acceptance, if not maybe love, in someone. He’s the subject of many of the posts within this blog and currently the subject of my heart and soul. He’s been in my life for nearly 8 years and has been a part of my heart for most of those years. He’s amazingly kind, gentle, funny, honest, loving, sensitive, wise, smart, reliable, hard-working, and so much more. When I use harsh words with myself, he’s gentle and reframes my words in love and kindness. When I fumble and get all caught up in a moment he is patient and loving. When I am tired and feel like I look like garbage, he tells me I’m beautiful and touches me with love and kindness. When I’m all passionate and worked up about something intriguing to me, he listens with love and kindness as well as engages in the conversation with interest. He is complimentary and genuine. He is consistent with his praise, interest, passion, communication, and everything else. He’s interesting and has captivated my heart in every way.
He speaks my love language in the exact ways that fuel and repair my heart and soul. He’s the salve, the antibiotic, the warmth, the happiness, the love, the friend that I need in my life. He’s the unconditional love, the forever friend, the confidant and lover that I’ve always needed.
I’m so happy to have that one person who embraces all that is me and it’s a phenomenal feeling. It lightens the burden of always feeling like I’m too much, too vocal, too excited, etc. His hands are big enough to fix my crown and his ego can handle all that I bring to the table. And on this day, I feel like he loves me and I can love me.
The Repressed Peach