Forever and ever…

Boy it’s been forever since I dropped a blog post… but life has been craziness since the pandemic began! I tried to write every so often at the beginning but the words wouldn’t flow. I felt repetitious and mundane… same stuff different day and not much different than what everyone was hearing on the news.

Today I begin my writing again because my head is too full. I’m out of RAM, or is it ROM? Either way… I can’t process things easily right now because we have a backup of emotion. I’m experiencing some emotional constipation, if you will. So this is my softener… I’m going to work through all that ails me mentally and emotionally so that I can heal myself and relationships with others. I need to start with divulging some ugliness I’ve spoken lately and some feelings I’ve felt that weren’t awesome.

First at work…ugh. Work is hard. Work is the hardest job ever right now. Making it harder is my constant state of flight or fight and I’m living in defense mode. As a result I’m super anxious at work and am highly reactive to the most innocuous of slights. If it even remotely smacks of being a sideways remark or attack on my character I come unglued. I am cursing too much. I’m talking badly about my supervisor. I’m frustrated with my colleagues. I’m irritated at some of my customer base. And when I sit back thinking about it all, I realize it’s all symptoms of something much bigger. I’m angry and irritated that I feel like I can’t influence the improvement of the organization. I feel like everything I suggest is futile as it falls on deaf ears. I’ve felt dismissed so many times. We all only want to be accepted and be able to contribute positively to the world around us. I have big ideas and a passion that runs deep for my profession yet my ideas are squandered and my passion pissed on. Since day one. I’ve worked to push through the phase and grow through it but I’ve reached a point where I’m not growing, I’m regressing and lashing out. I’m losing skills I felt proud to possess. I’m speaking ill of people who are not in my presence. I’m speaking hatefully about others to others in the organization. I’m not being my best self. At all. In many situations. I am not living up to the same standards I set for others. I’m not communicating and expressing myself well. I’m harboring so much anger and resentment. It’s eating me up. I’m full of so much toxic energy towards my workplace. I don’t feel like I can be a positive influence and I don’t think this situation will be repaired with the current leadership. Nothing will change.

I’ve started taking some small steps towards a resolution that is in my span of control:

1. Started anxiety meds to get my brain out of flight/fight mode.

2. Working on getting into therapy

3. Started applying for new jobs in a different industry.

4. I’m writing again to process my emotions

5. I need to change my gym membership so I can work out away from colleagues and customer base.

6. Stay connected to my faith and dig deeper right now.

I need to remind myself each day to exercise patience and kindness as I work to remove myself from this organization. I want to leave with a clean slate, a clear conscience, and a legacy of greatness as much as I can. I can’t completely undo all the yuck I’ve done but I will work to repair what I can and not do anymore. I will remind myself of my purpose as I walk in each day and I will keep a servant heart and mind

Tomorrow I will start jotting down some affirmations and a daily reminder of my purpose. I will stop and think before I react or respond to anything. I will breathe and let myself feel before acting on any stimuli.

We will work through all the things in time. Until tomorrow…

The Repressed Peach

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