It’s really a kick in the teeth when you realize you don’t really fit anywhere in life. And you don’t really belong.
My family— I don’t really fit. I’m not accepted. I don’t feel loved. I never have.
My workplace— I don’t fit there. My values don’t align with what we are doing. I’m not accepted. I don’t feel like I’m valued for what I bring to the table.
My relationship— I’m a second choice. I’ll never be number one. I won’t be loved in the same way I love him. I won’t hear I love you back after I say it to him. I won’t have birthday celebrations and parties together. It won’t happen.
It’s a hard reality to face in so many ways. I’m not feeling love reciprocated in any domain right now except from my child and dog. I can be grateful for that at least. The hard thing is knowing how much I give and how little I get back in return. I don’t ask for much, I don’t like to make demands, I don’t want to seem needy or whiny. But at the end of the day, I have needs and I have a heart and soul. I have a soul that feeds on love and right now my love bank is nearing depletion. I just want love to be reciprocated in natural, authentic and sincere ways. Too much to ask? Maybe but probably not. I’m thinking most of this is natural belonging things, like things most people do to show love. But for whatever reason, people don’t think it’s something I need. I am pretty independent and self sufficient but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to be shown kindness and love.
I’m not sure how to effect change in these areas of my life. Or how to teach people how to love me in the way I need it. I am not good at asking for things I need, never have been, and I don’t know where to start to change that either. I’m used to my needs being dismissed, my feelings being dismissed, and my overall well being not be cared for or about by others. So I work to figure things out on my own. I worry when asking for things that I am going to push people away or cause them to view me as needy or something. So I immediately feel defensive about these things. My emotions bubble up in my throat and chest then I feel like I’m choking on my words. It’s a peculiar feeling really. I tend to actually feel a tad nauseous as well. I hope in time that I can work through some of this in therapy so I can find the words and create change in my relationships. Time will tell I suppose.
The Repressed Peach
Tonight I was told by my son that maybe I could be a CEO of a company. I had no idea he looked at me like that or thought so highly of me.
Another one of my favorite people, my aunt, told me my soul isn’t all that deep and I’m pretty superficial. I had no idea she thought so little of me.
I’m equally as surprised and devastated by both of these sentiments tonight. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that my son thinks I have the potential to be someone of great leadership and importance as a CEO which is a humbling and sweet idea. I’m so glad he sees that in me and looks at me through those lenses. If you’ve read anything in this blog you know I am less than perfect and my son could see all that mess and more but he doesn’t. Thank God. 🙌🏼
Then there’s the gut-wrenching words of my aunt… I’m superficial compared to my sister who is a recovered meth addict, current alcoholic, and all kinds of mess. According to my aunt, I need to repair my relationship with my sister because she’s done great things and overcome great odds and she has more soul than I do and is more loyal than I am. My sister’s is so deep that it cannot be seen. My sister’s loyalty is something that is uncanny and unseen. My sister is apparently a saint in my aunt’s eyes. And I’m superficial.
Wow. I had no clue that I was held in such little regard. I’ve spent countless hours talking about all things great and small with this woman. I’ve looked to her for so much over the course of my life and have regarded her as a role model in many ways so this is devastating to me. I’m confused and fumbling for words to express how I’m feeling and all I can do is cry, well up with tears and shake my head. I just cannot believe this.
Why do I even care? Generational issues still at play here and I know that so why does this hurt so bad? Why do her words cut so deeply?
It’s taken me the better part of a year to come up with the answer. I trusted her and I loved her and I thought she loved me too. But her words cut me. She wounded me like I’ve been wounded by others in the family but she hadn’t ever done so. Not until this night, not to my face anyway. That’s the part that hurt the most I suppose. I thought I was safe from harm from her and I wouldn’t need such strong boundaries to protect myself. But I was wrong. My heart is broken about this as I’ve wrestled to learn what it all means. I don’t have many more answers. I just feel like a wall has been built between us, nearly instantly. It will not be an easy wall to remove either. She taught me that I need different boundaries with her now.
It seems I’ve discovered a bit of a pattern. People hurt me, I wall them out, cut them off. I don’t teach them what they’ve done and how they’ve impacted me and so the relationship dies in some way. I harbor no resentment per se, but the hard boundary is in place. I feel cold and distant. Trauma response? Probably.
The Repressed Peach