Soul

Tonight I was told by my son that maybe I could be a CEO of a company. I had no idea he looked at me like that or thought so highly of me.

Another one of my favorite people, my aunt, told me my soul isn’t all that deep and I’m pretty superficial. I had no idea she thought so little of me.

I’m equally as surprised and devastated by both of these sentiments tonight. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that my son thinks I have the potential to be someone of great leadership and importance as a CEO which is a humbling and sweet idea. I’m so glad he sees that in me and looks at me through those lenses. If you’ve read anything in this blog you know I am less than perfect and my son could see all that mess and more but he doesn’t. Thank God. 🙌🏼

Then there’s the gut-wrenching words of my aunt… I’m superficial compared to my sister who is a recovered meth addict, current alcoholic, and all kinds of mess. According to my aunt, I need to repair my relationship with my sister because she’s done great things and overcome great odds and she has more soul than I do and is more loyal than I am. My sister’s is so deep that it cannot be seen. My sister’s loyalty is something that is uncanny and unseen. My sister is apparently a saint in my aunt’s eyes. And I’m superficial.

Wow. I had no clue that I was held in such little regard. I’ve spent countless hours talking about all things great and small with this woman. I’ve looked to her for so much over the course of my life and have regarded her as a role model in many ways so this is devastating to me. I’m confused and fumbling for words to express how I’m feeling and all I can do is cry, well up with tears and shake my head. I just cannot believe this.

Why do I even care? Generational issues still at play here and I know that so why does this hurt so bad? Why do her words cut so deeply?

It’s taken me the better part of a year to come up with the answer. I trusted her and I loved her and I thought she loved me too. But her words cut me. She wounded me like I’ve been wounded by others in the family but she hadn’t ever done so. Not until this night, not to my face anyway. That’s the part that hurt the most I suppose. I thought I was safe from harm from her and I wouldn’t need such strong boundaries to protect myself. But I was wrong. My heart is broken about this as I’ve wrestled to learn what it all means. I don’t have many more answers. I just feel like a wall has been built between us, nearly instantly. It will not be an easy wall to remove either. She taught me that I need different boundaries with her now.

It seems I’ve discovered a bit of a pattern. People hurt me, I wall them out, cut them off. I don’t teach them what they’ve done and how they’ve impacted me and so the relationship dies in some way. I harbor no resentment per se, but the hard boundary is in place. I feel cold and distant. Trauma response? Probably.

Thoughtfully yours,

The Repressed Peach

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