Reality

It’s really a kick in the teeth when you realize you don’t really fit anywhere in life. And you don’t really belong.

My family— I don’t really fit. I’m not accepted. I don’t feel loved. I never have.

My workplace— I don’t fit there. My values don’t align with what we are doing. I’m not accepted. I don’t feel like I’m valued for what I bring to the table.

My relationship— I’m a second choice. I’ll never be number one. I won’t be loved in the same way I love him. I won’t hear I love you back after I say it to him. I won’t have birthday celebrations and parties together. It won’t happen.

It’s a hard reality to face in so many ways. I’m not feeling love reciprocated in any domain right now except from my child and dog. I can be grateful for that at least. The hard thing is knowing how much I give and how little I get back in return. I don’t ask for much, I don’t like to make demands, I don’t want to seem needy or whiny. But at the end of the day, I have needs and I have a heart and soul. I have a soul that feeds on love and right now my love bank is nearing depletion. I just want love to be reciprocated in natural, authentic and sincere ways. Too much to ask? Maybe but probably not. I’m thinking most of this is natural belonging things, like things most people do to show love. But for whatever reason, people don’t think it’s something I need. I am pretty independent and self sufficient but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to be shown kindness and love.

I’m not sure how to effect change in these areas of my life. Or how to teach people how to love me in the way I need it. I am not good at asking for things I need, never have been, and I don’t know where to start to change that either. I’m used to my needs being dismissed, my feelings being dismissed, and my overall well being not be cared for or about by others. So I work to figure things out on my own. I worry when asking for things that I am going to push people away or cause them to view me as needy or something. So I immediately feel defensive about these things. My emotions bubble up in my throat and chest then I feel like I’m choking on my words. It’s a peculiar feeling really. I tend to actually feel a tad nauseous as well. I hope in time that I can work through some of this in therapy so I can find the words and create change in my relationships. Time will tell I suppose.

Sincerely yours,

The Repressed Peach

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