Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Advocacy

I have a severe issue with self-advocacy.

It seems that I can stick up for other people really well. I can help them with their own issues. I can support them by being a great listener and even offering sound bits of advice as appropriate. With my child I am a staunch advocate for him that he is taken care of and respected well by adults and children alike. However, when it comes to me and what I need, I have a hard time asking for it. I have a hard time drawing the proverbial line in the sand about what I will allow to happen to me in my life. I have decent boundaries though, which is a good first step, but past that when looking at how I allow people to treat me is very poor. I know on a cognitive level that I don’t deserve the treatment. I don’t deserve the snide remarks. I don’t deserve being dis-invited to weddings or being left out of special ceremonies. I can think of no specific thing that I have done that would warrant such actions against me. Even asking why I was dis-invited or being left out causes me a ton of anxiety. I feel as though I am asking things that I don’t deserve to ask or that I am out of line for thinking I deserve to be treated differently than what I am. As a counselor I know that this line of thinking is absurd. I cognitively know something different than what I believe yet I feel powerless to change my thinking.

I want to be able to say to someone, “Hey, you know when you said/did/asked _______? I wonder where that was coming from because I was hurt/angry/confused/sad, etc. Can you give me some more insight about that situation.” I just don’t have the confidence in myself right now to do that and I’m not sure why. Strange how I can teach others to do just that and ask themselves to believe in their truths, trust their feelings, go with their heart, make no apologies for themselves, and yet here I sit writing this post wondering why I cannot take my own advice. Why can’t I ask the hard questions? Why can’t I face the truth head on? Why can’t I ask someone to treat me better/different because I am worthy?

As I have thought through all of this I think it is all rooted in fear. I fear rejection. I fear the unequivocal truths that will result. I fear people thinking I am better than I am. I fear being disappointed by my own actions. I fear overstepping boundaries or some social rule that I am not aware of. And I know that I shouldn’t be so afraid. Surely, so much of this is miscommunication and misunderstanding or even lack of information. Conversely, when someone has an issue with me or I have committed some perceived grave injustice then I am quick to hop on the issue at hand and address it. I don’t want others to harbor any ill will toward me about an unfortunate issue and I want to address it head on. Not all things that come up warrant a reaction though so I choose my battles. I am constantly aware of how my behavior and words affect others and I go to great pains to ensure that I cause them no unrest. Am I perfect? Read any other post in this blog and you will find evidence to the contrary.Β  So I am not perfect, not by any stretch. However, I know I work to prevent issues and I work to resolve the ones I cause.

My inability to advocate for myself is causing me unhappiness. I am internalizing the misperceptions and miscommunications and harboring them as evidence that I am unacceptable, unloved, disregarded, inconvenient, and unworthy. I am allowing my inability to speak up for myself to turn into some sour attitude which then seeps out at the most inopportune times. Maybe I’m feeling a little too vulnerable and I say something out of character. Or maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude and I lash out in frustration. I feel the sticky ugliness of these pent up feelings residing within my heart and soul and they’re making me ill. I feel the well rising and it’s about to crest. I have to change this behavior and my thinking around it so that I can be well and feel free to express myself appropriately. This is just one of many things that I wish to improve upon. Any sage advice or tips are welcome.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Never better!

Baby I’ve never felt better! I’m over the moon in love with you. In love with your body. In love with the way you touched me last night. In love with the passion we shared and all the intimate moments created that are beyond words and comprehension. You’ve never made love to me like you did last night. We went places in our connection that we’ve only brushed the surface of before but last night we dove head first into the pool. No restrictions. No moment of pause. No breaks or time outs. We just went to that place and stayed for over an hour.

I’ve replayed each moment in my mind at least a 100 times and find myself relishing every single second. Beyond the physical, I enjoyed every unspoken moment shared, every feeling we felt and caused in each other. Those are the moments that make my heart swell and brim full of love for you. The waves of passion and ecstasy sweep through me over and over again. And like every time before, I feel so satisfied yet I long for more. I want to be with you, beside you… I want to talk about last night and kiss you while we recount the moments. I want to weave my fingers between yours and feel the power of your strength fulfilling me. My body aches in all the right places from the sexcapade we enjoyed. A wonderful experience I haven’t had in nearly 10 years! And my god was it worth the wait!

I wish I knew how to put into words what magic we weave. I feel so much, long for so much, love so much but it’s all indescribable. It’s just amazing. Maybe someone outside of us can see it and explain it but every time I even try I feel like I’m just dancing on the edge of epitome but can no more fully reach the idea than I can reach out and touch the stars. The beauty and majesty are just as pure and true as the stars in the night sky. Very present, very real and so incredibly magical. You are my magic man baby. 😊 You’re my love. I know you enjoyed our time together just as much. Yesterday morning and late last night we made some magic love together and played hard together. And god was it amazing!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me baby. I can’t wait until next time! ❀️

Love you always,

The Repressed Peach

Magic

Oh the magic of you on my tongue

In all your many forms

I love love love

All of you

In all of me.

Sweet and sensual.

Rough and rowdy.

Tantalizing tease

You appease all the appetites of my body

With a magic wand you

Cast spells on my soul

Bringing out the mess in me

The best of me

The YES in me

Oh the magic we create when two are one.

Fusion is our aim.

Friction is not the game.

Playing with the magic we share

Life brims full day by day.

Cast spells on my soul baby

Bring out the mess in me

The best of me

The YES in me

Let fusion be the aim

As we make magic

Combine forces

Change courses

Fusion. No confusion.

Just magic.

Bring out the mess in me

The best of me

The YES in me

Fusion.

Happy birthday baby

πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ Happy happy birthday!!! πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

Goodness do I wish I could wake up next to you on this rainy, cool morning so I could wake you up with a ton of kisses and love on you! I would make you breakfast in bed and sit with you while we talk. Then we could take a shower together and have fun kissing under the warm running water with soap bubbles tickling our skin. I would love to share your birthday with you all day and make memories of our own. Make you feel special and loved. Make you laugh. Make your heart smile. Make you feel like the king that you are. Maybe we could go out for a nice dinner and go dancing or have a big dinner party with friends. I would love to do anything that would make you happy and let you feel all the love I have to give. I would love to cherish and adore you all day long.

I thank god you were given life. I thank god you’re still part of my life. I thank god that you share yourself with me and enjoy the easy connection we share. I love those beautiful brown eyes that are filled with happiness when you look at me. I love your beautiful smile that beams with pleasure and deep satisfaction.

I love love love love love YOU!!

I’m wishing you a beautiful, blessed, great birthday today!! I can’t wait to hear all about it!

Love you baby,

The Repressed Peach

So tell me about yourself…

Well let me tell you… I don’t really have a good response to an inquiry of this nature. What do you want to know? What are you curious about? What suppositions have you made about me that I can refute for you?

The basics. Let’s start there.

I moved around quite a bit as a young child. I grew up mostly in Arizona but I have a few formative years in Tennessee as well as Wisconsin.

Abuse was rampant in my household. As the eldest child of three I was witness to many atrocities of the human condition. Physical abuse. Sexual abuse. Drug abuse. Extreme poverty. Homelessness. Endangered children. Dirty, hungry, sad children. Children with no parenting. It was an awful environment. One that I knew I needed to remove myself from. School became my refuge. Teachers were my confidants. I sought solace in my friends and their parents. Life continued this way for the majority of my upbringing.

When I turned 18 I got my first tattoo. Two weeks later I graduated high school. Two weeks after that I moved out of my mom’s house. Six months later I moved back to Wisconsin with $400 in my pocket and my Honda Civic hatchback packed to the hilt. I drove myself across the country during a time in which cell phones were not common or affordable. With nowhere to officially live and no job, I started a life of my own on my own. My aunt helped me find roommates and let me sleep on her sofa for a couple weeks until I got connected. Within a couple days I landed four different jobs in various industries. This was early January 1998 so it was cold and snowy but my Arizona blood quickly acclimated to the new environment. Soon after my arrival in Wisconsin I got the itch to get into college. I didn’t know anything about how to apply for college. I didn’t know how I could pay for it. I didn’t know where to even start. As a first generation high school graduate from an impoverished family, I hadn’t the faintest idea about what college entailed or how I was supposed to gain access to the enchanted buildings that seemed to only open for those magic wand bearing individuals with silver spoons dangling from their nectar-laden lips. I just knew education was what I needed. Somehow I managed to enroll in community college and earned a couple credits in early childhood education. I finally had health insurance through my employer and had dental coverage too so one day I went the dentist for a routine cleaning and the hygienist asked me about school. I told her about my few classes at community college. She then proceeded to tell me about her daughter who had joined the Air National Guard to get her education paid for. I hadn’t ever even heard of the Guard or the Air Force for that matter. Truly I thought it was just something from Top Gun… I had no idea it was a real branch of the military. So, within two weeks of that conversation with the hygienist I went to the Recruiter and enlisted in the US Air Force. Not the reserves, not the Guard, but active duty US Air Force. And so began the best chapter of the rest of my life. Although I separated from the military eight years ago, I feel as though it was the absolute best decision of my life. I’m still reaping the rewards of enlistment all these years later. In fact, it would’ve been 18 years ago this past July that I started my military career. Boy does time fly when life is happening like it should and good things are taking place.

To date, I’ve been in education for seven years and going into my 8th academic year. I have held many positions in education so far. Special education inclusion teacher, English teacher, special education department chairperson, assistant soccer coach, head soccer coach, class sponsor, ARD Facilitator, and now, my current position as school counselor. I’ve spent my time serving in education in various forms and while I’ve been here for some time I feel like I’m still getting to know who I am and how to function. Part of that is all of the changes I’ve had but all of them have been good for me; I’ve grown and learned so much. Regarding my current role as counselor I feel like I have finally achieved my ultimate goal. I’ve dreamed of this day for years. I can remember all the way back to fifth grade and talking with my friend about what I wanted to be when I grew up and distinctly remember saying I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to work with kids who have faced the problems I had as a kid. I wanted to be for someone else what my teachers were for me and MORE! I toyed with the idea a couple times and thought maybe I would be a child psychologist or something but quickly went back to counseling when I realized psychologists only wrote prescriptions and research papers. Not my cup of tea. At all. I want to talk. I want to provide guidance. I want to cry alongside my students and listen with open ears and heart. I want to connect them to the agencies who can help. I want to guide them through the college or career paths they will face. I want to walk alongside them as they choose their paths for adulthood. So here I am… ready, willing, and very capable of giving everything they need and want to be successful young people.

Here are a few random things about me:

I have six tattoos. I want a couple more.

I have been skydiving.

I have gone on two humanitarian missions with the military.

I know more about the human eye than most anyone wants to know.

I have had two miscarriages and have one living teenage child.

I love the Green Bay Packers, San Antonio Spurs and the UW Badgers.

I’m a sports fan and enjoy watching nearly all sports.

I played soccer in high school and on an adult co-ed league.

I’ve played quite a few other sports too.

I’m Christian but not religious.

I believe in light, love, faith, good karma, warm nights, hot baths, cold drinks, strong hugs, the giggle of babies, and true love heal all that ails our world.

Motherhood is the best gift God ever gave me.

Garbage in=garbage out. I cannot watch videos or movies depicting humans defiling other humans in any shape or form. It isn’t entertainment to me and it poisons my heart and soul. I have to protect my soul from evils like that.

I’m not perfect (read any other post in this blog for evidence) but I aim to be a good person and do right by others.

I’m passionate about what I believe and rejoice in it often.

Few people truly know me although many think they have me pegged.

I’m constantly brewing with ideas and theories about endless facets of the human condition although I have no audience or group in which to volley those ideas.

I’ve been in love 3 times but only one man holds the keys to my heart and he’s the man of my dreams although he isn’t mine.

Married once and divorced once.

I’ve secretly (well not so much anymore I guess…) thought I was capable of being a bodybuilder.

The home I live in is the first home I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve always had to live in other people’s homes but never my own until now. And I built it.

I rarely get sick.

I love spicy food, Thai food, hearty meals, and light fare.

I like a good beer, Crown Royal and Dr Pepper, or glass of wine for special occasions or in social situations. Otherwise my favorite beverages are coffee, Dr. Pepper and unsweet iced tea.

My real dad and step dad have both died.

I don’t suffer any addictions.

I cry easily and often. When I laugh, when I’m sad, touched by a song or gesture, kindness, a good song, spiritual movements, and more.

I love to read.

I love to learn.

I’m not a great cook but can make some mean peach cobbler.

I’m a great teacher and decent writer.

I try to always remember where I came from so I never lose sight of where I’m going.

Humility and kindness go very far in any situation.

And to put my feather in my cap, my son thinks I’m pretty dope, a great mom and that I understand him better than anyone.

I don’t know if any of this will develop into anything more but I think it’s important to sometimes sit back and take stock of who you are and what you’re about. I feel like I’ve been reacting a lot lately and it was high time for introspection.

Humbly yours,

The Repressed Peach