Cease and desist

Ahh. The proverbial end of a relationship in one capacity and the potential for a new one. One would think this too means with a new person. But why is it that society proclaims we must begin new relationships with others? Why can’t a relationship start new with the same person? The relationship will hopefully not be the same as it once was. Hopefully necessary change will take place and the relationship will be healthy.

Such is the case today. But I don’t plan on the relationship ending. In fact, I refuse to allow it to end. I will create a new definition for this coupledom and I will embrace the new capacity for love and expression.

Allowing anything to end in my life has been my nemesis up to this point. I hold on like my life depends on it. While in some ways this is a virtuous practice and philosophy, it lends itself to staying stuck and being rather controlling. I am not fond of either characteristic. Therefore, as I’ve aged I’ve learned to let go. Not because I’m a quitter or because I walk away, but because I am wise. I know when I’ve given all I’ve had to give or when I’ve failed to do so. I also accept that I can’t control everything in my life. Especially not the people who waltz within my heart. I want freedom to express myself fully so I must allow the same for those I am in relationship with. I can’t think of any adult person who would actively choose control and limited self-expression in a relationship.

And would you like the honest truth? I am not everyone’s cup of tea! Ha! Who would’ve ever thought?! I can be a big pain in the rear end! So even if a relationship changes because I’m not what they need in life, then who am I to argue with that? Who am I to say that I will make their life better/happier/more passionate? I cannot be so arrogant as to think for another person. I must honor another person’s free will and desire. I must consider the love and desire I have for them and determine if I have the capacity to love them through the tough times.

All of this causes me to think a ton of different thoughts… Some of them make sense with this post while others are only loosely connected.

What I would love to say right this moment:
1. You may need a different relationship for various reasons, but you can’t take away what you’ve given me.
2. I will continue to love you even if I have to love you from afar. You can’t take that away.
3. I will be in love with you until I’m not any longer and I will be better for it.
4. The lessons you’ve taught me about love are life changing. Something in me broke when I loved you while another thing was born altogether.
5. I believe that all things work together for a divine reason. I have little control over this phenomenon therefore I surrender all attempt at trying to make it what it isn’t or can’t be.
6. I have faith in my love for you. I loved you for our season and that experience will stay with me for all eternity.
7. I love all parts of you. I love what you love and cherish those which you do. I respect that and truly love that about you. A man of principle…definitely a man worthy of my love.
8. While my heart won’t be available to you for all eternity, you will have a space within me forever.

With all this and more, my heart is at peace with how life changes can bring us together and eventually pull us apart. I am at peace with the change in us. I embrace it as much as I would love to embrace you in this moment.

Peacefully,
The Repressed Peach

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Tug of war

Do you even realize what you do to me when you pull me in just to kick me out? Do you realize the whirlwind of thoughts that stir within my brain as I try and figure out your thoughts? I wonder why you keep your feelings to yourself. Do you hide them because they’re sad and dark or do you hide them because of the weight of truth that is carried in them? Do you know what my shoulders feel like as I carry the weight of your words? I have nowhere to turn. No up when I’m down and no stop while I spin. Your love and the depths you reach within my soul is immeasurable. I feel things with you that have never been alive before. I just don’t know what causes such abrupt shifts in your desire. I don’t think you realize how deeply I love you. I love you with all of me. I love you with my action and inaction. I love you with my thoughts and in the space between thoughts. I love you with my soul. My body loves you and loves your touch. Without your touch my body feels empty and cold, lifeless at best. My mind aches for your closeness and energy. My eyes long for your amazing smile that captures me and sweeps me in. I see your smile in the face of others and I like them because I see you. I love you. And maybe, maybe you love me too and that scares the shit out of you. Too close. Too good. Too warm. Too right. Stop before we make a mess in so many ways. Maybe the thoughts I have aren’t so different than yours… But I can only guess. I don’t know your thoughts about these things. I don’t know if my red hair is alluring to you. I don’t know if my scent makes you lose control. I don’t know if the feel of my body makes you want to hold me forever. I don’t know… Oh and I wish I did. I wish I knew the stirring of your soul. I wish I knew your dreams. I wish I knew your fantasies. And your fears and challenges. I wish I knew. I wish I could have the chance to love those parts of you too.

My lips ache for you right now. My body is addicted to your warm caress as you speak soft, sultry words into my ear. My fingers reach for yours in longing wanting to be twisted up in them and waiting for the strength of your hand to encompass mine as you settle onto my hips. Your passionate kiss is the breath that I breathe; your taste the fragrance of beauty and wonder.

But you say we need to slow down. Why? We have been down this road so many times before. What causes this to happen? I am so tripped up by this especially when everything is so good. I want to cry but the tears are too confused to find their way out.

Let me sleep. Let me dream of you and imagine our time that wasn’t this. Let me heal with the memory of the amazing moments we’ve created together over and over again. Let me retrace the steps you’ve taken in my heart from the first day we met. Let me remember. Let those memories and special moments carry me through the confusion of now. As it had in the past, and hopefully will again, this confusion will settle into sense and understanding. Tomorrow? Maybe not…but soon I’m sure. Until then my heart will stay soft, not because it’s empty but because it yearns to love wholly.

Fiercely,
The Repressed Peach

Violence

Violence in society. What are the usual thoughts about this topic? I’ve heard a range of responses which include violence is a normal part of life to violence is a phenomenon that is exacerbated by media. Oh. My thoughts about this topic? Oh am I so glad you’ve asked.

During the caveman era and even the Roman Empire, violence has found a niche in alleged sport events. In sporting events the fight is often the most sought after attraction. Hockey, for instance, is one of the sports where fighting is not only commonplace but rather cheered for and desired by the spectators. While I understand the desire for excitement, let me make this clear: violence is not entertainment.

I’m deeply disturbed by the current trend in society where the carnal desire for brute violence outweighs the sanctity of humanity and dignity toward others. Am I saying that violence has no place in society? Absolutely not. I firmly believe that it does have a proper place and purpose in society, however just not in the form of acts of intense rage against another human or as a spectator event.

In fact, my belief about this extends as far as televised mixed martial arts fighting where people are fighting for reward and millions of people watch. Events of this nature promote violence, and definitely unnecessary violence, against another human being for payment which is not different than a caveman using blunt force to stop another caveman from taking his food. Have we devolved as a human race as to promote violence in such a way? I pray to God that the answer is no.

Today there was a nasty fight between two boys in the hallway. Now I know boys are going to fight, that’s part of what they do with the various hormonal changes that are happening at age 15 or 16. What bothered me most was the gluttonous desire of the onlookers to take pictures and call their friends to see the blood. It was a grotesque scene. Grotesque to watch young minds enamored by violence. Young minds riddled with horrible images that can never be removed. Young minds convinced that behaving like this is, in some way, okay.

I couldn’t help myself but anger at this apparent lack of respect for another human being. This is my thought process:
1. A baby is conceived out of love between two people.
2. The mother carries the conceived child to term while hoping and dreaming about who the child will grow up to be one day.
3. Child, regardless of age, is still his or her mom’s hopes and dreams.
4. It will never be acceptable to injure another human being for pleasure or payment.

I may sound cliche or naive when I make statements such as this however I genuinely believe in resolving our differences in a more humane way than senselessly beating another human being. If the same were happening to a dog or other creature then the media would be sure to report such violence and the atrocities against the ethical treatment of animals. Such situations are evident in the media as is the case with the conviction of Michael Vick and the dog fighting allegations which sent him to jail for a period of time. But violence between two people? Apparently that is a blood bath that everyone wants to see and enjoy.

It is a gruesome and disgusting spectacle to watch young people feen for a gory, bloody, violent scene and make such fun of it. It is a sad day in our society when young people stand by and watch the fight and laugh while another human being is so critically injured. What happened to the days when kids would break up a fight or call for someone to stop the fight? I hope and pray for their swift return; I pray desperately for the good of mankind.

Achingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

No plateau in sight

While irony exists in the written word it doesn’t exactly exist when we speak in literal terms of events which occur in reality. For the Christian person, all things are ordained by God. There aren’t any accidents or coincidences according to Christianity and the Bible. Everything is all in God’s plan. Tonight’s events and the post that I wrote last night may give way to the word irony being used from a literary standpoint simply because you’re reading words on this page.

Let me explain.

Last night I blogged about me finding life’s purpose and contemplating the philosophical question about what I am here to do. Tonight I had several experiences that clearly revealed the answer: God’s work.

On Wednesday nights I teach third and fourth grade bible study at my church through a program called Awana. We use a curriculum base to teach from yet it is the testimony of each leader that brings to life the beauty of God’s Word and His abilities to save us. I have taught in this role for two years and have shared my testimony with the children but nobody has ever followed Christ in accepting Him as Lord and Savior. Well tonight that all changed because of four brave young girls.

Tonight we had a lesson about sin and using God’s word as a sword in the world to fight evil and to seek God when faced with trials and temptations. Because of the rich conversation we were having several members had very important questions to ask which resulted in talking about Christ’s death, salvation, and the joy of God’s love. It was astonishing!!! Before I knew it I had three young ladies jump up and say they wanted to pray for Jesus to come into their heart and life!

It was truly a miracle. A miracle that I never imagined being part of. A miracle which reaffirmed God has a plan for me and that my work is far from over. I believe He has big plans for me.

In light of this new information, I’ve realized my new normal is just beginning and that I have so much yet in store for me and my life’s purpose. And honestly, I couldn’t be happier. I will rest easy tonight.

Prayerfully,

The Repressed Peach

Life’s purpose

It’s always nice knowing you have a divine purpose in life. To consider life and it’s many intricacies, living day-to-day working and doing those things which contribute to an overall sense of productivity, provides the security that life isn’t over.

Lately, my thoughts have been abuzz with ideas of how I am living my life dream. The thoughts are various, let me share.
I am taking care of others. I’m a mother. I’ve been married, divorced, and loved hard. I’ve had a beautiful wedding and a sad, yet successful, divorce. I’ve lived through poverty and wealth. I’ve know extraordinary peace and unrelenting discord. I served the United States Air Force for nearly ten years. I’ve earned my masters degree in counseling. I’m currently teaching English in a high school literally living my childhood dream of becoming a teacher. I’ve seen the gift of life and witnessed tragic death. I’ve cried as much as I’ve laughed and cheered as much as I scolded. My son is a beautiful soul and challenges my thinking on a regular basis. I have mothered a young man who will be a productive citizen of society as he grows into an adult. He is my life dream manifest. These are just the many thoughts that make me consider the question…what more can I ask for?

As these thoughts swirl, I assess the brevity of life. I witness this phenomenon every day… On the highways, in the news, friends die, family members ail, students’ lives are cut too short. I consider that which I’ve accomplished in life and can’t help but wonder if this is what actualization feels like. I’ve accomplished almost every thing I’ve dreamed of doing and much more. I can’t imagine going backward and going through anything I’ve already lived through, yet I know that I will be faced with future obstacles and I can’t fathom what they may be. I’m honestly afraid of the sadness that may lie ahead. I’m on my mountain right now; my quest to the top of Mt. Everest, if you will allow, is essentially complete. What does this mean? Does it mean that my mountaintop experience will lead to an eventual slippery slope downward? Or maybe, just as possibly, my mountaintop can be transformed into a plateau…can I logically stay on the same platform yet find new opportunity for growth and development?

I find myself extraordinarily grateful for today because today…today…I felt purposeful. I felt intentioned and saved. I felt God work through me and bring light into the dark corners of others’ lives. I felt the consideration for the brevity and purpose of life come to a pause today. I recognized the work I have yet to do and I cried out to God thanking Him for giving me a purpose today and allowing me another day on this earth. I plan to make every day my best day and ensure that I’ve left a piece of me behind. My mountaintop will just have to be my new normal. No slippery slopes and no plateaus…just new beginnings from wherever I am. That’s my life’s purpose.

Unplugged

I’ve recently decided that being connected via so many social networking sites has led to a general devalue of my free time. Sitting on the sofa reading all the random posts and politically motivated dribble of random people has occupied too much of my time. I have many other reasons for limiting my time on various sites. Read on.

I look in the mirror and I see my waistline changing and I think, “I really need to be exercising more. I want to be healthy.” Then I sit on the sofa, plug back in to my social media and before I know it I’ve wasted 3 hours of my life that I swear I don’t have to spare. I’m definitely mistaken about this. Besides wasting precious time when I have more important things to tend to, I’m also full to the brim of people using social media to express their relentless temper tantrums about the menial events in life. To have a horrendous cold is unfortunate, but does the entire planet need to know you’ve used a whole box of Kleenex? I think not. Now, do I want to read about births, life events that have changed you, epiphanies that have led to new awareness of self and others? Absolutely!! I just have no desire to read of the emotional steam pots who blow up their feed.

Unfortunately, this includes some of my dear friends and family. They have a tough moment in life and they go all “Chicken Little” on us and profess that the sky is falling because of a normal life problem that comes up from time to time. To them I say, “what did you do, or didn’t do, that caused this to happen?” From my experience, almost every “Chicken Little” moment is predestined to happen because of ones failure to handle their adult responsibilities properly. Therefore, I have little sympathy if you’re not going to try something different or even seek guidance about how to deal with the issue more effectively next time. Keep the “Chicken Little” moment to yourself and shit in your own chicken coop because my life garden is fertilized with more appropriate and life affirming shit. It sounds harsh, even to me as I type it, but I can’t express myself any more clearly. Boundaries are absolutely necessary. I have approached my boundary for comfort with the trifling details of human discomfort.

I posted my desire to limit my presence on social media and many friends retorted with their own opinions regarding my desire to unplug for a while. One of my remarks was that I also felt rather bipolar because of the extremes I was experiencing with various stories where I could read of great faith and inspiration but the next post would be of horrendous acts against humankind. My friend responded to this statement by saying, “Life is bipolar.” My immediate thought is that life has it’s ups and downs, but my life is far from bipolar. I don’t have extreme ups nor extreme downs. I don’t allow that in my life, it isn’t healthy. Which leads me to this conclusion: I can’t control what happens in others lives but I refuse to allow their bipolar experiences to influence my existence.

Additionally, I felt so punctuated and repressed in my expression via such public forums. With a wide variety of people from different backgrounds and times in my life, my ideas would not be accepted well by many. I didn’t like this feeling of pandering to their emotions yet valuing them as companions in my life resulting in editing myself to various degrees depending on the subject.

I respect different values and opinions even though I might not agree with them or practice them in my own life. It has been my experience that people have begun to use social media to bully each other into believing as they do and not allowing people to develop their own way of thinking. I am just tired of seeing this happen. It’s as though people behave badly via social media because they think nobody is watching or that nobody will have the guts to set them straight. Adults who use social media, please hear this: you cannot act like an ass in the world just because your mom and dad aren’t there to correct you! Just stop it. It isn’t ok to act badly. And if you’re reading this and know what I’m talking about, can I get an Amen?! Just stop it already. It’s enough. Get therapy. Go for a run. Talk to the people who have upset you. Communicate effectively and stop being so passive aggressive as to post your temper tantrum online.

I sense there may be some irony to this initial post yet it begs to be said without edit, without fear of reprisal, nor intent to offend. It is merely one humble person’s perspective about how her life needs to improve by establishing proper boundaries and developing an appropriate relationship with self-expression once again.

Expressly,
The Repressed Peach