So I have achieved my life dream. I literally have accomplished the goal I’ve been working toward for more than a decade. So you’d think that I would feel some kind of way, right? Like it would settle into my brain and I would feel a sense of relief, peace, honor, pride, confidence, etc., right? For instance, when an athlete achieves a time goal or distance goal isn’t there this insane confidence boost and euphoric experience? For some reason I feel some of these emotions but I feel disconnected from the rest of them. It’s like I know what I’ve done and where I am but it’s not registering. Maybe it’s shock… maybe I didn’t think I would get to this point in my life or maybe I don’t know why I deserve the opportunity. I can’t figure out the disconnection. Don’t get me wrong, I am on cloud nine and feeling very excited about my new career. I’m grateful for my new team and leadership staff. I feel welcome and happy. But it’s like two different phases of me… one side knows what it knows and the other feels something but it’s like they’re separate events or actions. Maybe my head and heart haven’t made the distance to make a connection yet. It’s just all so surreal. I feel like I’m in a dream and it’s the best dream ever and the reality hasn’t settled into my conscience. What is it that keep me from connecting the two pieces more easily? Is it because I’m humble? It is because I have a self-deprecating narrative? Is it because I’m in shock? Or fear? Is there something I haven’t realized yet? Is it a protective measure so I don’t experience disappointment if something goes wrong? Sometimes I feel so confused by why I can’t process the good things that happen to me better than, or just as good as, the things that challenge me or cause setbacks. I’m not a toot-my-own-horn kind of gal. I don’t need a lot of fanfare or attention. In fact, just a kind word or pat on the back is enough for me. Truthfully though, this accomplishment seems bigger than that. I feel like I would celebrate someone else to the nth degree if they had accomplished what I have and yet I’m back here playing it cool and just excited to get to work. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is there anything wrong with me? Maybe I just need time to let it all sink in and then I’ll be able to relish in the achievement. And maybe I need to just stop and pray to God for delivering on my prayers in many ways.
The Repressed Peach
I heard a phrase today “reckless love” and it touched my soul. This word has two connotations; one is that it’s a bad thing, reckless like a reckless driver who causes problems on the highway and byways they put people in danger, but then there’s the other kind of reckless, reckless in the way that I don’t hold back and I don’t cast doubt on my own emotions and so in this way reckless love has a positive connotation to it. That’s the kind of love that I feel for you. It doesn’t matter if I’m safe, it doesn’t matter what I get back, it doesn’t matter my comfort level in loving you. I don’t second-guess my love, I don’t doubt it, I don’t even really try to control it. And while it may seem foolish or stupid to some, to me it’s the only way I know how to truly love somebody. I can’t say that I’ve been this reckless with love in the past but I can definitely say this is the type of reckless love that I want to have for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to play it safe, I don’t want to play it cool, I want to love without boundaries, I want to love without holding anything back not even a single solitary piece of me do I want to hold back. I believe this reckless love is very similar to if not identical to unconditional love. There is no condition upon which my love for you begins or ends. There’s nothing you can do or some character flaw that you might have that can cause it to cease. If my love for you ever ceases it will only be because something made that love have to go away or transform into energy elsewhere but will never be because of anything you’ve done or anything of the sort. This all seems really simple for me and how I choose to love and how I express my love, but I wonder if anybody has ever loved me like this? I wonder if any level of this emotion is ever been reciprocated. But maybe that’s not of my business either.
The Repressed Peach
There’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Some people hate it, other people judge it, other people think it’s a novel idea but isn’t very effective and others even yet think it’s all just hocus-pocus, but for me, for me it was my life blood for 2 1/2 years. Every week I spent one hour with my therapist and in those minutes just 60 short minutes I solved problems in my head and in my heart and my soul that had been festering for years and years and years. Lots of abuse. Lots of doubt. Lots of self loathing. Troubled relationships. You name it I was going through it. So when I started therapy I didn’t really know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was going to get but in more ways than one it saved my life. It is the best investment in myself that I’ve ever made. 2 1/2 years, one hour a week and I never missed a session. I did better in therapy than I do in the gym but I was dedicated to my wellness at that time. I knew that if my mind was right my body would follow and that it did.
I bumped into my therapist tonight at a celebration party for my new counseling position at a local high school. I haven’t seen my therapist since my last session in December 2010 and so it was a very happy reunion. She was out celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family while I was celebrating with my friends and colleagues for my new position. I happened to look across the pavilion and there she sat so of course I got up and I walked over and I gently touched her arm and I said hi, she immediately got up and just embraced me of the greatest hug and she exclaimed my name and told me how she was so happy to see me, how often she thought of me and the 2 1/2 years we spent in therapy together. I gave her a brief rundown of all my successes recently and many accomplishments since our time together and she was just overjoyed. I could see in her face that she was happy for me and she told me she was proud of me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and proclaim their love for me or affection for me or even that they like me, I feel like my therapist, even though 10 years have passed since we sat across the room from each other and had a conversation she knows me, the true me, better than anybody. I would love to have that type of trusting relationship in my day-to-day life that doesn’t have to happen behind closed doors and doesn’t have to be relegated to just an hour a week of undivided attention and dedicated time to listen to what I have to say and really hear me. I look forward to a day when I have a partner in my life who I can talk to at any given moment, someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can share my passion with, someone I can wonder about all the wonders of the world with, and they’ll just listen and hopefully talk to me too but listen with a smile on their face and not be irritated or put off or annoyed by my brain. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes writing them down in this blog only goes so far. Yeah I have the international readers that are joining me from places like Turkey and Bangladesh and Scandinavia but really I need faces and I want dialogue and I want relationship between people. I miss that deeply and I feel like the further and further away I get from true relationships with other people the more isolated I become and the harder it is to bridge that gap.
So maybe I’m at a point where I might be facing time in therapy again. I might need to go and some kinks out in my character and sort out some misconceptions that maybe I have about myself or what my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. Maybe it’s time for the proverbial “tuneup”, if you will. That might actually be a really good idea. Maybe while I’m at it, maybe I’ll put just as much effort into my physical health as what I’m willing to put in for my mental health.
Therapy is powerful. Therapy is effective. And as Dr. Ray Wooten, one of my professors said, “all counselors are wounded healers.” Maybe I’m a little wounded right now so maybe I need to go get some healing of my own.
What a serendipitous meeting of two kindred souls tonight. I thank God for this encounter. And I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life. As well as all of the many opportunities I’ve been given at every stage of my life and every person who has helped me grow and become a better version of who I am today. My therapist was a critical contributor in helping to shape who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that time and for her insights to help me be the best version of myself that I can be.
The Repressed Peach
Here it is the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. You were in my dreams large as life and the emotion and sense of you so strong it me woke up.
It was my first day at my new school. I was on time and ready to work. As I walked through the halls headed to my office, you turned a corner and walked right to me, smiled, said Good Morning, and gave me a hug. I was surprised you were there to greet me. I didn’t have any idea you were gonna do that so I was pleasantly taken aback. As you walked away to go to your own school, you turned and gave me one of your big beautiful smiles and told me bye. It set my heart ablaze with so much love for you. I felt full of happiness, surprise, love, excitement and gratitude.
While the dream lasted just a few moments and just this one interaction took place it was so powerful for me. I love your support in my successes. I love how you lift me up and praise my work baby. With the new job coming up soon I am excited to get started so I can work with kids and get myself established but I also hope for some unexpected blessings and surprises just like what I dreamed of. Flowers or cards would be nice but seeing you would be better. ❤️
I love you babe. Always.
The Repressed Peach
Time to level up y’all. 💯
I finally got my dream job!! I’ve been hired as a high school guidance counselor at a local school district! This is my ultimate life goal ACHIEVED!!
Ya know that Drake song “Started from the bottom”? Yeah well that just became my life theme song!! I sure as hell started at the bottom and now I’ve achieved my life’s goal doing my life’s work, living the dream! I couldn’t be happier or more excited! I feel the vibe flowing through my veins and happiness washing over me. I am on Cloud 9 and then some!
Now I’m ready to turn up and turn out, let the realest version of me be on full display.
A new version is borne at every turn but his is the ultimate transformation and achievement.
And it’s all about my why… kids. Every day it’s about being a voice for the voiceless and advocating for the disenfranchised. It’s the reason God made me.
Onward and upward my friends… oh wait… I’ve reached the top!! Now to enjoy the view and soak up the learning from my journey!
The Repressed Peach
There’s this undercurrent of longing that runs just below the surface of my mind but edges deep into my soul. Nothing can ease it. No salve can be found in the medicine cabinet or at the bottom of a bottle that can touch the need my soul feels. Sometimes I ignore it out of a need to survive. Other times I get angry at it because I wish I could wish it away but it doesn’t budge. In other posts I’ve called this feeling “angst” however I’m getting more acquainted with the emotion and it’s just shit tons of love sitting in store waiting to be released. It’s not a bad feeling at all, it’s lots of really good goodness bubbling to spill out and on to you. Sometimes holding all be good back makes my heart ache a bit so I get confused about what I’m really feeling. But me and this love are friends, not foe, so I will stay in close kinship and get used to it more and more every day. My soul hungers to feel alive again under your gaze. My skin desires your strong, long fingers stroking it. My eyes are sore for the sight of your amazing smile. I nearly have an earache listening so hard for your laugh or the sound of your voice. Do you know how much comfort your voice brings to me? God do I love it so much.
This love exists for you regardless of what you do, the status of our relationship, my actions, or anything else. This is unconditional, no strings attached love. Pure and true. It’s my fountain of hope, truth, faith, passion, and warmth. So while the fountain does what fountains do, I will press on each day with all the goodness of which the fountain pours into me. And maybe, I might let some of that goodness spill out onto others just so I can see life spring forth in people’s eyes and they benefit from the intense love I have for you. Now that I’m thinking of it, I will share a little bit more love with myself and God.
Until next time babe. 😊❤️
The Repressed Peach
I remember the first day we met each other like it was yesterday. I was instantly intrigued by you with a hint of attraction. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor lust. I just felt this point of interest and my soul kinda raised its head. After our formal introductions by our supervisors you didn’t shake my hand. In fact you barely looked at me. I felt it was a little odd but I didn’t take offense. Yet somehow I felt a connection with you.
I start working in the office. I’m learning people. Getting a lay of the land. Trying to understand the new career and the new rules of the civilian workplace after years in the military. I was ready for the change and came in with an open heart and mind to all the possibilities the change held for me and my life. I was just coming up out of the hell of divorce/separation and financially I was still in ruins. I was eager for all the upswings in my life when I was offered the job. However, I didn’t have any expectation for what was to come. Unexpectedly though, I had this immediate connection to you and this strong curiosity about who you were and what you were all about.
So, day after day I just sat back and watched you, quietly to myself. I observed your mannerisms. I watched the way you walked. I took note of when you were tired or irritated. I listened when you spoke. I was entertained by your passionate responses when being cornered by leadership. I watched your interactions with kids and adults alike and found you sincere and compassionate. I liked the ease with which you existed. I took every chance I could to learn about you and understand you. I found you so intriguing and I felt the blooms of attraction rising in my soul but I was trying to ignore it and write it off as feeling the groove of goodness in my life. I even told a friend of mine that I found myself thinking about you after work to which I said out loud for everyone’s benefit, “I need to quit that though. He’s married and is such a good guy.” I tried to reel myself in a bit and not feed the thoughts or intrigue. Yet day after day when I came to work I found myself eager to see you. Even if I just saw you in the morning for two minutes during the pledges and alma mater, I was satisfied knowing you were there. On days you were out I felt angsty and irritable. In hindsight, it seems silly to have such strong feelings either way considering we hadn’t talked much beyond work stuff. Then a couple months in, we had a discussion about food and where to get the best tacos. After that whenever I went to that taco shop I would get you a taco too. Just a little treat here and there, nothing too crazy, just a little offering of friendship with no expectation of anything more. This seemed to open the door of conversation and I could learn more about you. At this point I was still curious about you, interested in knowing you more, and my attraction to you was growing. The attraction was deep. It wasn’t how you looked, although you’re so damn handsome, it was your soul I was attracted to. It was this vibe that came with you when you entered a room that was palpable and so soothing to my soul. We still hadn’t exchanged numbers, not even for work stuff so our interactions were limited to work. This made it easier for me to see you for who you were in the daily grind, not some version of you underlined by a personal connection. And then our fateful day in April 2012 when we hugged for the first time ever over a silly joke we had going all day. You remember that day don’t you? That was a hug for the ages as I hadn’t ever felt so much chemistry or electricity pass between two people. That day was the day that pulled the ripcord on all the feelings I had held back and bottled up. It was the day I realized within myself that I had fallen in love with you. I was head over heels in love and I barely even knew it was happening. ❤️ I’ve only grown to love you more and more every day since then. The quote above is so true “she fell in love with his soul before she could ever touch his skin…”. I loved you before and I’ve loved you ever since.
The Repressed Peach