Therapy.

There’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Some people hate it, other people judge it, other people think it’s a novel idea but isn’t very effective and others even yet think it’s all just hocus-pocus, but for me, for me it was my life blood for 2 1/2 years. Every week I spent one hour with my therapist and in those minutes just 60 short minutes I solved problems in my head and in my heart and my soul that had been festering for years and years and years. Lots of abuse. Lots of doubt. Lots of self loathing. Troubled relationships. You name it I was going through it. So when I started therapy I didn’t really know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was going to get but in more ways than one it saved my life. It is the best investment in myself that I’ve ever made. 2 1/2 years, one hour a week and I never missed a session. I did better in therapy than I do in the gym but I was dedicated to my wellness at that time. I knew that if my mind was right my body would follow and that it did.

I bumped into my therapist tonight at a celebration party for my new counseling position at a local high school. I haven’t seen my therapist since my last session in December 2010 and so it was a very happy reunion. She was out celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family while I was celebrating with my friends and colleagues for my new position. I happened to look across the pavilion and there she sat so of course I got up and I walked over and I gently touched her arm and I said hi, she immediately got up and just embraced me of the greatest hug and she exclaimed my name and told me how she was so happy to see me, how often she thought of me and the 2 1/2 years we spent in therapy together. I gave her a brief rundown of all my successes recently and many accomplishments since our time together and she was just overjoyed. I could see in her face that she was happy for me and she told me she was proud of me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and proclaim their love for me or affection for me or even that they like me, I feel like my therapist, even though 10 years have passed since we sat across the room from each other and had a conversation she knows me, the true me, better than anybody. I would love to have that type of trusting relationship in my day-to-day life that doesn’t have to happen behind closed doors and doesn’t have to be relegated to just an hour a week of undivided attention and dedicated time to listen to what I have to say and really hear me. I look forward to a day when I have a partner in my life who I can talk to at any given moment, someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can share my passion with, someone I can wonder about all the wonders of the world with, and they’ll just listen and hopefully talk to me too but listen with a smile on their face and not be irritated or put off or annoyed by my brain. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes writing them down in this blog only goes so far. Yeah I have the international readers that are joining me from places like Turkey and Bangladesh and Scandinavia but really I need faces and I want dialogue and I want relationship between people. I miss that deeply and I feel like the further and further away I get from true relationships with other people the more isolated I become and the harder it is to bridge that gap.

So maybe I’m at a point where I might be facing time in therapy again. I might need to go and some kinks out in my character and sort out some misconceptions that maybe I have about myself or what my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. Maybe it’s time for the proverbial “tuneup”, if you will. That might actually be a really good idea. Maybe while I’m at it, maybe I’ll put just as much effort into my physical health as what I’m willing to put in for my mental health.

Therapy is powerful. Therapy is effective. And as Dr. Ray Wooten, one of my professors said, “all counselors are wounded healers.” Maybe I’m a little wounded right now so maybe I need to go get some healing of my own.

What a serendipitous meeting of two kindred souls tonight. I thank God for this encounter. And I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life. As well as all of the many opportunities I’ve been given at every stage of my life and every person who has helped me grow and become a better version of who I am today. My therapist was a critical contributor in helping to shape who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that time and for her insights to help me be the best version of myself that I can be.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Waking up to you…

Here it is the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. You were in my dreams large as life and the emotion and sense of you so strong it me woke up.

It was my first day at my new school. I was on time and ready to work. As I walked through the halls headed to my office, you turned a corner and walked right to me, smiled, said Good Morning, and gave me a hug. I was surprised you were there to greet me. I didn’t have any idea you were gonna do that so I was pleasantly taken aback. As you walked away to go to your own school, you turned and gave me one of your big beautiful smiles and told me bye. It set my heart ablaze with so much love for you. I felt full of happiness, surprise, love, excitement and gratitude.

While the dream lasted just a few moments and just this one interaction took place it was so powerful for me. I love your support in my successes. I love how you lift me up and praise my work baby. With the new job coming up soon I am excited to get started so I can work with kids and get myself established but I also hope for some unexpected blessings and surprises just like what I dreamed of. Flowers or cards would be nice but seeing you would be better. ❤️

I love you babe. Always.

The Repressed Peach

Life goal: achieved.

Time to level up y’all. 💯

I finally got my dream job!! I’ve been hired as a high school guidance counselor at a local school district! This is my ultimate life goal ACHIEVED!!

Ya know that Drake song “Started from the bottom”? Yeah well that just became my life theme song!! I sure as hell started at the bottom and now I’ve achieved my life’s goal doing my life’s work, living the dream! I couldn’t be happier or more excited! I feel the vibe flowing through my veins and happiness washing over me. I am on Cloud 9 and then some!

Now I’m ready to turn up and turn out, let the realest version of me be on full display.

A new version is borne at every turn but his is the ultimate transformation and achievement.

And it’s all about my why… kids. Every day it’s about being a voice for the voiceless and advocating for the disenfranchised. It’s the reason God made me.

Onward and upward my friends… oh wait… I’ve reached the top!! Now to enjoy the view and soak up the learning from my journey!

Peace! 🙌🏼🤓

The Repressed Peach

There’s this undercurrent of longing that runs just below the surface of my mind but edges deep into my soul. Nothing can ease it. No salve can be found in the medicine cabinet or at the bottom of a bottle that can touch the need my soul feels. Sometimes I ignore it out of a need to survive. Other times I get angry at it because I wish I could wish it away but it doesn’t budge. In other posts I’ve called this feeling “angst” however I’m getting more acquainted with the emotion and it’s just shit tons of love sitting in store waiting to be released. It’s not a bad feeling at all, it’s lots of really good goodness bubbling to spill out and on to you. Sometimes holding all the good back makes my heart ache a bit so I get confused about what I’m really feeling. But me and this love are friends, not foe, so I will stay in close kinship and get used to it more and more every day. My soul hungers to feel alive again under your gaze. My skin desires your strong, long fingers stroking it. My eyes are sore for the sight of your amazing smile. I nearly have an earache listening so hard for your laugh or the sound of your voice. Do you know how much comfort your voice brings to me? God do I love it so much.

This love exists for you regardless of what you do, the status of our relationship, my actions, or anything else. This is unconditional, no strings attached love. Pure and true. It’s my fountain of hope, truth, faith, passion, and warmth. So while the fountain does what fountains do, I will press on each day with all the goodness of which the fountain pours into me. And maybe, I might let some of that goodness spill out onto others just so I can see life spring forth in people’s eyes and they benefit from the intense love I have for you. Now that I’m thinking of it, I will share a little bit more love with myself and God.

Until next time babe. 😊❤️

Unconditionally yours,

The Repressed Peach

Until I touched you.

I remember the first day we met each other like it was yesterday. I was instantly intrigued by you with a hint of attraction. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor lust. I just felt this point of interest and my soul kinda raised its head. After our formal introductions by our supervisors you didn’t shake my hand. In fact you barely looked at me. I felt it was a little odd but I didn’t take offense. Yet somehow I felt a connection with you.

I start working in the office. I’m learning people. Getting a lay of the land. Trying to understand the new career and the new rules of the civilian workplace after years in the military. I was ready for the change and came in with an open heart and mind to all the possibilities the change held for me and my life. I was just coming up out of the hell of divorce/separation and financially I was still in ruins. I was eager for all the upswings in my life when I was offered the job. However, I didn’t have any expectation for what was to come. Unexpectedly though, I had this immediate connection to you and this strong curiosity about who you were and what you were all about.

So, day after day I just sat back and watched you, quietly to myself. I observed your mannerisms. I watched the way you walked. I took note of when you were tired or irritated. I listened when you spoke. I was entertained by your passionate responses when being cornered by leadership. I watched your interactions with kids and adults alike and found you sincere and compassionate. I liked the ease with which you existed. I took every chance I could to learn about you and understand you. I found you so intriguing and I felt the blooms of attraction rising in my soul but I was trying to ignore it and write it off as feeling the groove of goodness in my life. I even told a friend of mine that I found myself thinking about you after work to which I said out loud for everyone’s benefit, “I need to quit that though. He’s married and is such a good guy.” I tried to reel myself in a bit and not feed the thoughts or intrigue. Yet day after day when I came to work I found myself eager to see you. Even if I just saw you in the morning for two minutes during the pledges and alma mater, I was satisfied knowing you were there. On days you were out I felt angsty and irritable. In hindsight, it seems silly to have such strong feelings either way considering we hadn’t talked much beyond work stuff. Then a couple months in, we had a discussion about food and where to get the best tacos. After that whenever I went to that taco shop I would get you a taco too. Just a little treat here and there, nothing too crazy, just a little offering of friendship with no expectation of anything more. This seemed to open the door of conversation and I could learn more about you. At this point I was still curious about you, interested in knowing you more, and my attraction to you was growing. The attraction was deep. It wasn’t how you looked, although you’re so damn handsome, it was your soul I was attracted to. It was this vibe that came with you when you entered a room that was palpable and so soothing to my soul. We still hadn’t exchanged numbers, not even for work stuff so our interactions were limited to work. This made it easier for me to see you for who you were in the daily grind, not some version of you underlined by a personal connection. And then our fateful day in April 2012 when we hugged for the first time ever over a silly joke we had going all day. You remember that day don’t you? That was a hug for the ages as I hadn’t ever felt so much chemistry or electricity pass between two people. That day was the day that pulled the ripcord on all the feelings I had held back and bottled up. It was the day I realized within myself that I had fallen in love with you. I was head over heels in love and I barely even knew it was happening. ❤️ I’ve only grown to love you more and more every day since then. The quote above is so true “she fell in love with his soul before she could ever touch his skin…”. I loved you before and I’ve loved you ever since.

Truly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Mix tape: Side 2

So here is Side two of your mixtape baby! Listen and learn all the things I wanna say when my words fall short…

Miguel “Sure Thing”

Bazzi “Mine”

Meghan Trainor “Like I’m Gonna Lose You”

Jill Scott “All I”

Commodores “Oh No”

K-Ci & JoJo “Crazy”

Mariah Carey “Love Takes Time”

Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz “Lovers and Friends”

Maxwell “Whenever, Whatever, Wherever”

SWV “Weak”

Ed Sheeran”How Would You Feel”

Adele “Make You Feel My Love”

I don’t know how many more songs I can out on this side before the cd is full so I’m guessing 12 tracks is average…

Love you baby. Forever and always. I will make it my mission in life to ensure you know you’re loved every day that I am alive.

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

Better than I ever had.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, most notably my failed marriage. I’ve loved hard in each of the relationships and I’ve learned so much about myself and the depths to which I love and why I love people the way I do. I’ve learned what makes my heart skip a beat, the butterflies flutter in my tummy, and give life to the warmth of my soul.

Like the tender touch of a man’s strong hand on the small of my back. The tender smile during a shared joke or memory. Romantic gestures like a song sang softly in my ear while dancing in the living room. Warm, starlit nights in the backyard listening to music. Passionate kisses under the shower head, bodies wet and pressed against each other. The tiniest streak of jealousy exposed when a moment of time is stolen by another. One of my favorites is in the heat of passion, being lifted swiftly up around the hips of my man, and the kissing that follows. I have so many moments collected throughout the years from various experiences and yet no individual person gave me as much insight and memories as you.

Perspective.

Imagine only having Saturday sex in the shower with no foreplay, no passion, no tenderness, just obligation, selfishness, and mechanical sex. That was four years of my marriage. Not much compared to some, but a lifetime for me. I can’t operate like that. My husband, the person who was supposed to love and cherish me all my days, the person who fathered my child, was only interested in me after he was wasted. Imagine the person you’re married to only wants to have sex with you while they’re drunk. I’ve had many experiences and I can tell you that I have never felt so cheap and used. I felt taken and disgusted by the sex not cherished or loved. I didn’t even feel liked. I could’ve just been a hole in the wall and gotten as much out of the experience with the same result for him. My own husband made me feel like a cheap whore. As you can imagine, anything better than that had to be pretty good.

But baby, you were so much more than “pretty good”. Despite the imperfect nature of our relationship, you always made me feel like a queen. And not just any queen. I always felt like your queen. You cherished me. You made sure I heard it. You made sure I felt it in every touch of my body. Every word you uttered built me up and breathed life into me. Every moment you gave to me, no matter how long, gave me hope and peace. I felt connected to you in every way possible all the time. I never felt cheap. I never felt used. I never felt “less than”. I never felt empty. I never felt a void that needed to be filled. I never felt disrespected. Ever. And I still haven’t. Baby, in all that we’ve been through in this, you’ve been the best I’ve ever had. Hands down. The. Best. Ever.

I can’t imagine someone giving me anything more than what you have. I can’t imagine a partner who I understand without a single word uttered. A man who completes me in deeper ways than I can express. A soul so connected to me that I can nearly feel your battles waging war inside your heart. You’ll always be the best I ever had in this way too. ❤️

I feel like anyone else is just someone I would have to settle for. Someone who does just enough to maintain a decent relationship but lacks the passion we share. I don’t know if I can sentence myself to a life like that. I don’t know if I can have less than what you’ve given me. You’ve set the bar high babe.

Undyingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Release.

I find myself in a season of needing release. Release in various forms.

I need to release my anger, sadness, frustration. I need to release ill-conceived ideas of what things should be… how I should look, what I should be doing, what job I should have, what I should do with my Sunday mornings, how I should feel about the death of my dad, nephew, and step dad, how I should behave. The thing that’s really messing with me is this idea that I should hope, hold out, and stay loyal.

Today I did yoga in my living room with a free video on amazon prime. I did it in my birthday suit just to really be raw and embrace the moment. While I worked out I felt the narrative of “I should be more flexible than this.” “I should be able to make that move.” “I should have never stopped working out.” “I should be thinner than I am.” “I should love myself like I am.” “I should let go and just be.” Should. It’s a fucking curse. I would like to eradicate it from my vocabulary and I would like to just be free. Free in every form. I am going to practice my freedom. I’m free to feel any which way I want to. My feelings aren’t wrong. It’s ok to be disappointed in myself and others. It’s ok to find myself wanting more and being picky about relationships. It’s ok that I have standards for myself and others and I will allow myself the freedom to maintain them.

I even felt the “should” reach far into my mental health as I thought about the medicine my doc prescribed a couple months ago. I stopped taking them because I thought my issues were situational and would be resolved once I pushed over the hump. But lately I’ve felt the same lethargy, withdrawal, and angst creep back into my head space. As I reached into the pantry for the medicine bottle I heard this little voice say “you shouldn’t need these. Why can’t you just naturally be happy?” And you know what? I hope that I get there one day, but right now that isn’t where I’m at. So I’m gonna get back on track with the medicine and give myself freedom to feel happy even with the support of medicine. Even as educated about this stuff as I am, the human condition intervenes, I find myself in need of support, and then the stigma of medication sneaks its way into my mind. I’m a mental health professional, I know better… yet, I’m in the same boat as many others. I’m accepting this truth about myself for this time.

I want a lot for myself. I want health, stability, a partner, a happy home, a great career, and to feel alive and passionate about all that I do. I believe if I release all of the “should” curses from my narrative, I will succeed in finding all that I need and want for all domains in my life.

I hope to find the strength each day to release one “should” from my self-talk and action. Maybe you need to find the power to release them too and maybe your journey will be full of freedom, power, happiness, and purpose as I hope to gain in my own.

Sincerely,

The Repressed Peach

I’m here.

Hi baby, I’m here. I’m waiting for you in eager anticipation of your next call or visit. I’m here. Patiently waiting for time to be right and the stars align for us to connect again. Maybe the next time we talk we can answer some of the questions I posed in a previous post. Or maybe we can just be friendly and talk small talk. Either way, I’ll be happy to feel the thrum of my soul reverb in my bones from the sweet song of your voice in my ear.

I could say more, but everything is just a repeat of what I’ve said before. So here I am, all yours and still wanting you. Just you. ❤️

Love you babe,

The Repressed Peach

Intimacy.

I miss the build up to sex with strong foreplay, kissing, talking, pulling, rubbing. I want to feel that unbridled passion, the carnal need writhing through my veins. I want to feel the magic slip between us as we become one over and over again. Each feeding off of the others need and desire to satisfy every craving. To straddle your lap and allow your length to fill my body and stay there for a while. To feel the warmth of your body against mine, your chest sticking to mine with sex sweat, wrap my arms around your neck while you embrace me and hold my body with your strong hands. To let hours and hours of night or day slip by without a care in the world.

I love the ache in my legs from being stretched far and wide after a good night of playing together. I love the aftershocks of orgasm pulsing through my body hours afterwards. I miss the feel of being so wanted that a man feels hunger in his body to devour me. I want the hunger of his kiss pressed firmly against my lips, the growth of his manhood grinding into my pelvis, the heat of his body melting into me with pure, uncontrollable desire. I miss someone making me theirs. I miss someone taking control and giving me everything and taking all they want while I generously return the favor.

I want the chemistry and connection that really allows all of this to come to life. Without that chemistry, the spark of electricity between two souls, it’s all just mechanics. But that spark, that spark is everything. That’s when you know you’re creating magic, you’re warping time and casting spells into the universe that cannot be undone. I don’t know any magic more powerful than two people with fantastic chemistry combining their essence into that cosmic energy which creates life.

If God himself found this connection with another celestial being then I might just believe in the Big Bang theory and the birth of the cosmos. It’s all so fucking serene, intense, brilliant, and mind blowingly awesome… this connection.

I miss the post-orgasm cry that consumes my body after someone makes love to me. I miss the lighthearted conversation and gentle touches while laying side by side recounting the day and winding up for round 2 (or 3 or 4). I miss the tender loving shower or sticky sleep that soon follows. I enjoy the adventures in playtime. I miss exploring your body and finding new ways to excite you. I miss being able to follow my intuition and read your body language to know what you need next. I miss listening to your breath and the love noises you make when I’m on the right track. I miss intuitively knowing what your manhood needs to find his release.

I miss our energy. I miss the connection that transfers so easily between us as though the moon is looking at his stars. I miss your sweet kiss and the passion that springs back to life in my belly. I miss your strong hug, the one that sends a message straight to my soul that says “I’m here. You’re ok.” It’s like we find each other all over again each time we hug. No time is like the last and each time feels like the first time. So fucking beautiful baby. Just beautiful.

It’s the simple, easy things between us that make the erotic moments so intense. The way we respond to each other. The words we use in our conversation. The moments we share where no physical interaction is taking place but our cup gets filled with love and adoration for each other. It’s the moments when I feel a strand of jealousy weave through my heart because someone is laughing with you and I missed it for some reason. It’s the locking of our eyes when we meet at a game or event and we search for each other across the field or the room. It’s the light conversation exchanged as we stroll down a hallway together. It’s in the shared jokes and memories of moments spent sharing an office together. The moments when you say something coy and flirty in a room full of people and nobody knows what you meant but me. It’s the gentle brush of your hand against the back of mine. The lean of your body toward me as I speak. The gentle touch of your hand at the small of my back as you allow me to walk into a room first. The fire that burns deep in the back of your eyes as you place your forehead against mine and search my eyes before kissing me. Your sweet words are like honey to my soul. You say kind words all the time. Even if we are laughing and cutting up, your words don’t hurt. You’re thoughtful and compassionate. Sincere and honest. Loving and passionate. And god knows how much more I could say about that, but we just work baby. We just do. And I love everything about it because those times when I’m enjoying the length of your wand inside me as we cast spells together, I know I’m safe in all ways. I know you always have my heart, mind, body, and soul in the safest place it’s ever been; in your heart.

Always and forever yours,

The Repressed Peach