Attachment

Attachment is an amazing thing. It affirms to another’s soul that they belong, that they exist, that they matter. It allows security and stability to form, allows for exploration of self to learn who you are and who you aren’t. If attachment bonds are created then love forms and souls flourish. It’s the nutrient rich soil in which roots take and grow deep and continue to find life giving water and nourishment for a lifetime.

Somehow I have been able to create this type of healthy attachment experience with my child. I don’t know how or by what miracle this was allowed, but my son is a happy, healthy, balanced, connected, thriving young man. He just hugged me and sang off key in my ear for over 20 minutes after spending a weekend with his dad and through all of it all I could think is how much I love him, how much I accept him, how grateful I am that he likes me even though I don’t like myself so often, how much he must love me to hold onto me like that and sing to me. And then I realized I didn’t know what parental attachment felt like until that moment. I didn’t know what it could look like or how it was to feel that.

As a little child, those attachment bonds are easy to create and see from a parent perspective. You tend to their every need, you create meals for them, tend to wounds, usher them to appointments and school, you do all of their everything. So attachment is easier to see. As they become more independent, it morphs into something else, something different that needs to be created just the same. You have different needs to tend to as they age into young adulthood. They have different requirements to find their place in the world. They need support and love in a new way so that they can still feel those attachment bonds deep in their soul. They need to know where home is. They need to know where they can find safety, security and love when the world gets too big, too bad, too ugly.

The attachment bonds are thick tonight. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve my son or to be blessed with his presence but I thank God for him every day. I learn more about myself and life with every passing breath. I am better because of him. I am more because he exists. He is my purpose and my most precious contribution to the world. He is every jewel in my crown.

Growing up was difficult for me as you’ve maybe read in my previous posts, but what made it harder is feeling alone, unwanted, and uncared for during the most difficult times. Feelings of being unsafe and unattached didn’t heal because the circumstances ended, they’ve lingered for decades. Tonight I feel the pain of that wound left so deep in my soul; pain I thank God I have been able to shield my son from and create a different life for him. Here I am 42 and still wounded from the tragedies experienced in my childhood because I didn’t feel attached to anyone who could protect me and love me.

Moms and dads— I implore you… protect your children. Save them from monsters, real and imagined. Create a safe home for them to grow and live a happy, healthy childhood. Make sure they know they’re loved regardless of how much or how little they talk, how long their stories take, how off key their singing is or not, how beautiful they are as human beings, how much you cherish their essence. Make sure they know they belong and they are the most incredible person you know. Help guide them to refine their character. Guide them to develop strong values and principles upon which to live. Love them through their missteps and mistakes. Stand beside them in the wake of their heartache created by disappointment and grief. Love them even when it’s hard and you’d rather do anything else besides…

I promise that you’ll all be better off. In the end you will create lovely, lifelong memories and attachment bonds that will carry you to the end of your days. I can’t imagine anyone else beside me except my son when my end draws near. I pray he will never be too busy or too far away to love his momma and that he will always know he has a home to come back to no matter how far away he roams. I pray the bond we created when he was just a tiny little jellybean growing in my tummy and have continued to nurture into his 16 years of age, will continue through the rest of my natural life and beyond. I pray he can do the same with his children and that we have broken the cycle of dysfunction within our family.

Just as roots of a tree grow deep where there’s nutrition and water, your attachment bonds grow deep where love abounds. 🌳

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Chosen

Thank you to all the people who have chosen me in my life.

From my first boyfriend who gave me all of our many firsts to my ex-husband who at least chose me for a time at least I was chosen and wanted at some point in my life by someone. Someone who wanted me and chose to commit to me and building a life with me for whatever time we had.

I don’t know if I will ever have that again with anyone so I can’t help but be grateful for the times I was chosen as a partner as someone desirable to have around. Whatever my flaws or features, I was wanted.

The callous that’s been protecting my heart for so long is falling away. Just as I prayed it would. And as it falls further and further away there’s a lot of pain and sadness. Feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel and thoughts I haven’t allowed myself to think. Now they come crashing in like a damn tsunami. Such it is.

I’m sad sometimes. I am scared sometimes. But I’m always alone. I want a relationship with someone who chooses me every day. I want flowers for no reason. I want birthday presents from the one who loves me. I want vacations and date nights. I want a life partner who will walk alongside me and encourage me in our journey. I want to wake up and feel the warmth of his body in my bed. I want to feel his strong body next to mine. I want to watch him sleep and be the first thing he sees when he wakes.

One day, maybe I will be blessed with a loving, long-lasting, blessed by God relationship where I will feel wholly accepted, deeply loved, and chosen. And I will choose him. Every day. Every moment. For all of my remaining breaths and beyond, I will choose my partner and invest in us with every action, thought, and dream. Just as I would hope for him to do the same for us. One day, I want to forget what it felt like to feel alone, scared and sad. I want to forget the feelings but hold dearly to the lessons so as to never feel this way again. I want to build with someone. I want to build down, not out, not up, but down deep… grow roots and find water, let the tendrils of love sink deep and far into the souls we share and interweave so firmly as to never be broken or unbound. I want the depth of unconditional love for my partner, similar to that love of a child; deep, unbreakable, unconditional, altruistic, peaceful, wholesome love that restores faith, breeds hope, and is strong enough to endure growing pains and struggle that is innate to all relationships.

I will lift my eyes to God and rely on Him and his timing to make this a reality. He knows the needs of my heart and he will deliver in his own time and him own way. I will keep dreaming and hoping for the day when He answers. ❤️🙏🏼

Prayerfully,

The Repressed Peach

Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Never better!

Baby I’ve never felt better! I’m over the moon in love with you. In love with your body. In love with the way you touched me last night. In love with the passion we shared and all the intimate moments created that are beyond words and comprehension. You’ve never made love to me like you did last night. We went places in our connection that we’ve only brushed the surface of before but last night we dove head first into the pool. No restrictions. No moment of pause. No breaks or time outs. We just went to that place and stayed for over an hour.

I’ve replayed each moment in my mind at least a 100 times and find myself relishing every single second. Beyond the physical, I enjoyed every unspoken moment shared, every feeling we felt and caused in each other. Those are the moments that make my heart swell and brim full of love for you. The waves of passion and ecstasy sweep through me over and over again. And like every time before, I feel so satisfied yet I long for more. I want to be with you, beside you… I want to talk about last night and kiss you while we recount the moments. I want to weave my fingers between yours and feel the power of your strength fulfilling me. My body aches in all the right places from the sexcapade we enjoyed. A wonderful experience I haven’t had in nearly 10 years! And my god was it worth the wait!

I wish I knew how to put into words what magic we weave. I feel so much, long for so much, love so much but it’s all indescribable. It’s just amazing. Maybe someone outside of us can see it and explain it but every time I even try I feel like I’m just dancing on the edge of epitome but can no more fully reach the idea than I can reach out and touch the stars. The beauty and majesty are just as pure and true as the stars in the night sky. Very present, very real and so incredibly magical. You are my magic man baby. 😊 You’re my love. I know you enjoyed our time together just as much. Yesterday morning and late last night we made some magic love together and played hard together. And god was it amazing!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me baby. I can’t wait until next time! ❤️

Love you always,

The Repressed Peach

Reckless love.

I heard a phrase today “reckless love” and it touched my soul. This word has two connotations; one is that it’s a bad thing, reckless like a reckless driver who causes problems on the highway and byways they put people in danger, but then there’s the other kind of reckless, reckless in the way that I don’t hold back and I don’t cast doubt on my own emotions and so in this way reckless love has a positive connotation to it. That’s the kind of love that I feel for you. It doesn’t matter if I’m safe, it doesn’t matter what I get back, it doesn’t matter my comfort level in loving you. I don’t second-guess my love, I don’t doubt it, I don’t even really try to control it. And while it may seem foolish or stupid to some, to me it’s the only way I know how to truly love somebody. I can’t say that I’ve been this reckless with love in the past but I can definitely say this is the type of reckless love that I want to have for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to play it safe, I don’t want to play it cool, I want to love without boundaries, I want to love without holding anything back not even a single solitary piece of me do I want to hold back. I believe this reckless love is very similar to if not identical to unconditional love. There is no condition upon which my love for you begins or ends. There’s nothing you can do or some character flaw that you might have that can cause it to cease. If my love for you ever ceases it will only be because something made that love have to go away or transform into energy elsewhere but will never be because of anything you’ve done or anything of the sort. This all seems really simple for me and how I choose to love and how I express my love, but I wonder if anybody has ever loved me like this? I wonder if any level of this emotion is ever been reciprocated. But maybe that’s not of my business either.

Recklessly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Mix tape: Side 2

So here is Side two of your mixtape baby! Listen and learn all the things I wanna say when my words fall short…

Miguel “Sure Thing”

Bazzi “Mine”

Meghan Trainor “Like I’m Gonna Lose You”

Jill Scott “All I”

Commodores “Oh No”

K-Ci & JoJo “Crazy”

Mariah Carey “Love Takes Time”

Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz “Lovers and Friends”

Maxwell “Whenever, Whatever, Wherever”

SWV “Weak”

Ed Sheeran”How Would You Feel”

Adele “Make You Feel My Love”

I don’t know how many more songs I can out on this side before the cd is full so I’m guessing 12 tracks is average…

Love you baby. Forever and always. I will make it my mission in life to ensure you know you’re loved every day that I am alive.

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

Better than I ever had.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, most notably my failed marriage. I’ve loved hard in each of the relationships and I’ve learned so much about myself and the depths to which I love and why I love people the way I do. I’ve learned what makes my heart skip a beat, the butterflies flutter in my tummy, and give life to the warmth of my soul.

Like the tender touch of a man’s strong hand on the small of my back. The tender smile during a shared joke or memory. Romantic gestures like a song sang softly in my ear while dancing in the living room. Warm, starlit nights in the backyard listening to music. Passionate kisses under the shower head, bodies wet and pressed against each other. The tiniest streak of jealousy exposed when a moment of time is stolen by another. One of my favorites is in the heat of passion, being lifted swiftly up around the hips of my man, and the kissing that follows. I have so many moments collected throughout the years from various experiences and yet no individual person gave me as much insight and memories as you.

Perspective.

Imagine only having Saturday sex in the shower with no foreplay, no passion, no tenderness, just obligation, selfishness, and mechanical sex. That was four years of my marriage. Not much compared to some, but a lifetime for me. I can’t operate like that. My husband, the person who was supposed to love and cherish me all my days, the person who fathered my child, was only interested in me after he was wasted. Imagine the person you’re married to only wants to have sex with you while they’re drunk. I’ve had many experiences and I can tell you that I have never felt so cheap and used. I felt taken and disgusted by the sex not cherished or loved. I didn’t even feel liked. I could’ve just been a hole in the wall and gotten as much out of the experience with the same result for him. My own husband made me feel like a cheap whore. As you can imagine, anything better than that had to be pretty good.

But baby, you were so much more than “pretty good”. Despite the imperfect nature of our relationship, you always made me feel like a queen. And not just any queen. I always felt like your queen. You cherished me. You made sure I heard it. You made sure I felt it in every touch of my body. Every word you uttered built me up and breathed life into me. Every moment you gave to me, no matter how long, gave me hope and peace. I felt connected to you in every way possible all the time. I never felt cheap. I never felt used. I never felt “less than”. I never felt empty. I never felt a void that needed to be filled. I never felt disrespected. Ever. And I still haven’t. Baby, in all that we’ve been through in this, you’ve been the best I’ve ever had. Hands down. The. Best. Ever.

I can’t imagine someone giving me anything more than what you have. I can’t imagine a partner who I understand without a single word uttered. A man who completes me in deeper ways than I can express. A soul so connected to me that I can nearly feel your battles waging war inside your heart. You’ll always be the best I ever had in this way too. ❤️

I feel like anyone else is just someone I would have to settle for. Someone who does just enough to maintain a decent relationship but lacks the passion we share. I don’t know if I can sentence myself to a life like that. I don’t know if I can have less than what you’ve given me. You’ve set the bar high babe.

Undyingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Don’t forget me

The one thing that keeps circling around my mind is that I really hope you don’t forget me. I hope you don’t push our memories so far out of your mind that I become only a faint memory, a dusty picture lingering in the back of your mind. I pray that your body doesn’t forget the love we shared. I pray that your lips long for mine if even for a split second while you shower in the morning or as you drift off to sleep at night. I pray that the way my body felt next to yours remains a bright memory of a deep passion that will sustain you for many many moons. Maybe your days will be full of little reminders of me and the time we spent loving each other. Maybe the songs in your playlist will trigger beautiful memories and your body and soul will relish the recollection. I just pray that as time between us passes that I’m never more than a thought away. Never more than just a moment to yourself to play back the entire five year reel of love and passion we created together. Just don’t forget me. I know I will never forget you.

Always in my heart,

The Repressed Peach

Happy again

I wrote a post a couple months ago about this sense of sadness that was the undertone for all other emotions. And you know it’s been a minute since I’ve felt true happiness. I can’t say that I’m entirely there just yet, but I can say that I’m definitely on the upswing. I haven’t felt the need to cry humongous alligator tears over my heartache. I don’t feel a deep sense of foreboding. I don’t feel the full weight of the breakup on my shoulders every day. My thoughts aren’t consumed anymore. The songs I listen to speak to all aspects of my life instead of just my heart. Conversations I have don’t spark an immediate memory of us. It’s a good shift. It is a shift supported by some doctor prescribed chemical compounds that have altered my perception but I’m feeling some possible long term effects.

What we had will never be less than it was. Never. No matter how much time passes, what anyone says, or what we do about it… it will always be the best 5 years of my entire life. I will always relish our days, moments, sacred times. I will hold you close to my heart forever. I have just found that it’s not necessary for me to be sad anymore. I can be happy and still love you. I can be happy and still wish you happiness I can be happy and move forward with life. I’m working on the depths of happiness in the facets of life. Like finding happiness in the breeze outside, the beautiful melody of the wind-chime, the cool fresh air on my skin, a freshly made bed of clean sheets, the giggle of a baby nearby, a cold strong drink after a hard day’s work, and so much more. Happiness is being found in the usual moments of the gift of life God has given me. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m blessed. And I’m peacefully happy.

I’m still a work in progress. Far from a finished masterpiece with many layers left to discover about myself and the world around me, and with fortitude, peace, happiness and good friends, I will find a deep spring of happiness that will run my whole life long.

Lovingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Congrats baby

I’ve watched your season unfold this year and I couldn’t be happier for you! Congratulations on yet another district championship and progressing toward your ultimate goal of a state championship win!! I’m pulling for you through and through. It’s been hard to sit back and watch from behind the computer screen and not go to your games to support you. I know you don’t need me there though and that’s the easy part of staying home. I know it’s better for you that my absence is known because you feel relief in that. My support for you is unwavering though no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I will continue to pray for you and your team and that all your professional and personal goals come true. God’s grace will continue to abound in your life and I pray for continued peace and happiness in all aspects.

🎉Cheering for my favorite team! 🎉

Onward and upward, my love! ❤️

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach