Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Happy again

I wrote a post a couple months ago about this sense of sadness that was the undertone for all other emotions. And you know it’s been a minute since I’ve felt true happiness. I can’t say that I’m entirely there just yet, but I can say that I’m definitely on the upswing. I haven’t felt the need to cry humongous alligator tears over my heartache. I don’t feel a deep sense of foreboding. I don’t feel the full weight of the breakup on my shoulders every day. My thoughts aren’t consumed anymore. The songs I listen to speak to all aspects of my life instead of just my heart. Conversations I have don’t spark an immediate memory of us. It’s a good shift. It is a shift supported by some doctor prescribed chemical compounds that have altered my perception but I’m feeling some possible long term effects.

What we had will never be less than it was. Never. No matter how much time passes, what anyone says, or what we do about it… it will always be the best 5 years of my entire life. I will always relish our days, moments, sacred times. I will hold you close to my heart forever. I have just found that it’s not necessary for me to be sad anymore. I can be happy and still love you. I can be happy and still wish you happiness I can be happy and move forward with life. I’m working on the depths of happiness in the facets of life. Like finding happiness in the breeze outside, the beautiful melody of the wind-chime, the cool fresh air on my skin, a freshly made bed of clean sheets, the giggle of a baby nearby, a cold strong drink after a hard day’s work, and so much more. Happiness is being found in the usual moments of the gift of life God has given me. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m blessed. And I’m peacefully happy.

I’m still a work in progress. Far from a finished masterpiece with many layers left to discover about myself and the world around me, and with fortitude, peace, happiness and good friends, I will find a deep spring of happiness that will run my whole life long.

Lovingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Congrats baby

I’ve watched your season unfold this year and I couldn’t be happier for you! Congratulations on yet another district championship and progressing toward your ultimate goal of a state championship win!! I’m pulling for you through and through. It’s been hard to sit back and watch from behind the computer screen and not go to your games to support you. I know you don’t need me there though and that’s the easy part of staying home. I know it’s better for you that my absence is known because you feel relief in that. My support for you is unwavering though no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I will continue to pray for you and your team and that all your professional and personal goals come true. God’s grace will continue to abound in your life and I pray for continued peace and happiness in all aspects.

🎉Cheering for my favorite team! 🎉

Onward and upward, my love! ❤️

Always yours,

The Repressed Peach

Musings.

As I watch the lady in the courtyard laugh sweetly at whatever her significant other just uttered I remember fondly the times I was in a relationship with someone where laughter came with ease. I remember the times when I’ve felt completely and utterly in love and overwhelming peace would swell in my soul. From the corner of my eye, I watch the couple sitting caddy corner to me and feel the lilt in my heart as I see them gaze lovingly at each other, nuzzled close shoulder to shoulder and whisper sweet somethings. It’s endearing and inspiring. The fire place is warm nearby. The cool fall air slips through the cracks around the windows. The soft music fills the space in between cold and warm and the souls sharing this space with me push everything higher, deeper, fuller. It’s nearly an ethereal feeling. The precipice of my mind pushes closer to epiphany and my soul ignites. I feel. I think. I am energized. There’s hope. Hope aplenty all around me. Fall comes, leaves fall, grass goes dormant, bees stop buzzing and skies stay gray. This is just a season. It’s the beginning of something new. The season must change to give way to the new season springing underground, piquing to life beyond where eyes can see. So much happens under the cloak of consciousness. Things beyond our comprehension are being orchestrated by forces uncontrollable. They’re divine. They’re purposeful. They’re beautiful. All things come to light and awareness in their due time. Patience is an essential component to enjoying the full masterpiece as it unfolds. Don’t rush it. Don’t force it to be something it isn’t. Just allow all things to manifest as they will in their own due time. The beauty and majesty of the divine will rock you, but it will be more beautiful than you could’ve ever planned.

These are my musings of life.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Bball Season

Your favorite time of year has come. Basketball season. You’ll be full tilt at practice and at games on Tuesday and Fridays with some tournament games out of town. You won’t eat right. You’ll be tired. Your paperwork for work will slip a bit as you try to manage all of your responsibilities and meet deadlines. You’ll make it all work as you usually do. You’ll be graceful and kind. You’ll be sleepy in the morning and need your favorite Starbucks drink more often than not. You’ll beat yourself up a bit about not going to the gym and you’ll accept that you’ll gain 20 pounds that you’ll definitely work off in the spring once the season ends. You’ll pull late nights at home trying to catch up on everything and make time for family and down time. You’ll satisfy everyone else before you do anything for yourself.

Grit. You’ve got that figured out. Grace. You’ve got that down pat. Humility. You’re an iconic example. Dedication. The definition. Strength. Surely the strongest person I know. Dependable. You’re always there. Always available.

This season, like every one before it, will come with challenges and triumphs. This season, more than ever before, I wish you a wonderful season. May your scoreboard be full, your bench full, your team work as a team, and your Starbucks ever flowing. Have a great season baby! I will be cheering for you from afar and watching your success!

Love always,

The Repressed Peach

Face. 

You have the sweetest face I’ve ever laid eyes on. You emanate kindness, love, strength, passion, sincerity, warmth, and invitation. Your deep brown, chocolate eyes are so deep and mysteriously cave-like I just want to get lost in them. Don’t send any help. Don’t send a search and rescue team. Just let me be in your soul and linger there as long as I need to.

I love how soft and supple your skin is. I miss kissing your face and feeling the warmth of you warming my soul and igniting a fire within me. I loved the feeling of your cheek against mine while we embraced. I miss the sweet scent of you that always lingered after your departure. I can feel you now… I can feel your warmth against me. I can feel your spirit resting within mine. I can feel the press of your soul against my cheek.

Your full, smooth, sweet lips beckon me to you. I can’t help but crave your kiss. I love the swell of your lips against mine, the press of your lips on my neck or my hip, the smile that splits your lips and shows me your soul. Your beautiful white, yet not exactly perfect teeth that peek at me behind your handsome self. That sweet smile, and deep laugh, your soul resonating so deeply with me.

God do my words fail. I can see you and feel you in my mind but words do not captivate all the majesty you behold. They don’t give justice to how you, and all that you are, fits so perfectly into the me that’s me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to express myself.

I will always remember your face. I see you in my dreams. Your face is imprinted in my mind. You are etched into my soul. Always and forever.

Loving you,

The Repressed Peach

Judgment.

Judgment is a very heavy word and yet it carries so many variations in meaning. Some use the word lightly and in amusing ways such as “don’t judge me and the kind of music I listen to” and others refer to it in biblical terms like “hell fire and brimstone”. Depending on the conversation, you might find both uses satisfyingly appropriate or not at all. Judgment has its place in society. It’s a testament of our values and our position on different topics and behaviors. Ultimately, it’s a reflection of our truths. Your truth is your perspective and your perspective is gained through experience. Everyone’s life is made up of experiences; some are good, others are bad, and some are down right awful. And yet, these experiences shape us into who we are. While judgment has its place and serves a purpose, there are times when judgment is ugly and comes from a place of hate. This is what I’m finding in some social circles. Not everyone can wrap their head around my life experiences and many certainly struggle with the tales of my love life. Vastly, I’ve received love and support from people near and dear to me. Strangers here have offered their two cents and given kind advice. Yet, there are others who don’t express any sympathy or offer any support for me in this. I get it… I know that some people cannot accept certain things about people. I know that others have varied life experiences that cause such disdain for certain aspects of life. Even more so, society has taken a serious stance about love affairs backed by religious teachings, idioms, and quips. With this said though, love affairs are scarcely different than any other woe life throws at you. Parenting troubles, financial ruin, marriage and divorce, homelessness, infertility, drug abuse, addiction, etc. all maintain parallels with love affairs that few people care to acknowledge. People dismiss the idea of a love affair as something someone chose or something that could’ve been avoided. Something that only sleazy human beings engage in. Immoral, baseless scums of the world are the perpetrators akin to pedophiles and rapists. However, the judgment so easily cast by those who’ve never experienced either side of the scenario lack understanding and intel. I could’ve no easier controlled who I fell in love with than the color of my hair or skin tone. I didn’t set out to fall in love with a married man. I didn’t go to work at a specific place to meet my soulmate. I didn’t get put in the same office as this man so that I could wreak havoc on his and my own life. No. I didn’t set out for this course purposefully. In fact, I planned exactly the opposite in regard to relationships. I made vows to myself that I found to be incredibly hard to maintain as I got to know this man. I realized with each passing day, that no matter what I did, I could not resist him and he couldn’t resist me either. It was something cosmic, something so much bigger than just a tasteless, lust-filled, carnal act. Yet again, it was exactly the opposite; it was a rich, life-giving, passionate, eye opening, life-changing experience. Unlike the judgment and the social constructs that ridicule and shame this type of relationship, I found myself full of love, able to love deeper than ever before, and soulfully connected to my mate.  The love I developed, and the love I still have for this man, was deeper and more intense than any other feeling I’ve had in my life. Love stories are made of this stuff. Songs are written. Shakespeare wrote of this. Beethoven crafted masterpieces with this. Michelangelo painted with this passion. Buildings were erected and wars won with the love and passion my soul carries for this man. So see, this experience shapes my reality. It shapes how I see others around me as it helps me see them  for who they are while giving me insight to the limits of human understanding. We all have our own cross to bear; some crosses may seem more familiar or we can nod in appreciation for what another has to endure, but make no mistake about it, a cross is a cross is a cross.

In closing, one of my favorites idioms:

“Those who live in glass houses ought not throw stones.”

Be mindful of the judgment you cast on others as you endure your own battles in life. We are all just trying to make every day count and no matter how hard we try, we aren’t gonna get out of it alive. It makes little sense to cause others too much trouble along the way as you just might trip on your own robes in the process.

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach