Chosen

Thank you to all the people who have chosen me in my life.

From my first boyfriend who gave me all of our many firsts to my ex-husband who at least chose me for a time at least I was chosen and wanted at some point in my life by someone. Someone who wanted me and chose to commit to me and building a life with me for whatever time we had.

I don’t know if I will ever have that again with anyone so I can’t help but be grateful for the times I was chosen as a partner as someone desirable to have around. Whatever my flaws or features, I was wanted.

The callous that’s been protecting my heart for so long is falling away. Just as I prayed it would. And as it falls further and further away there’s a lot of pain and sadness. Feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel and thoughts I haven’t allowed myself to think. Now they come crashing in like a damn tsunami. Such it is.

I’m sad sometimes. I am scared sometimes. But I’m always alone. I want a relationship with someone who chooses me every day. I want flowers for no reason. I want birthday presents from the one who loves me. I want vacations and date nights. I want a life partner who will walk alongside me and encourage me in our journey. I want to wake up and feel the warmth of his body in my bed. I want to feel his strong body next to mine. I want to watch him sleep and be the first thing he sees when he wakes.

One day, maybe I will be blessed with a loving, long-lasting, blessed by God relationship where I will feel wholly accepted, deeply loved, and chosen. And I will choose him. Every day. Every moment. For all of my remaining breaths and beyond, I will choose my partner and invest in us with every action, thought, and dream. Just as I would hope for him to do the same for us. One day, I want to forget what it felt like to feel alone, scared and sad. I want to forget the feelings but hold dearly to the lessons so as to never feel this way again. I want to build with someone. I want to build down, not out, not up, but down deep… grow roots and find water, let the tendrils of love sink deep and far into the souls we share and interweave so firmly as to never be broken or unbound. I want the depth of unconditional love for my partner, similar to that love of a child; deep, unbreakable, unconditional, altruistic, peaceful, wholesome love that restores faith, breeds hope, and is strong enough to endure growing pains and struggle that is innate to all relationships.

I will lift my eyes to God and rely on Him and his timing to make this a reality. He knows the needs of my heart and he will deliver in his own time and him own way. I will keep dreaming and hoping for the day when He answers. ❤️🙏🏼

Prayerfully,

The Repressed Peach

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Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Musings.

As I watch the lady in the courtyard laugh sweetly at whatever her significant other just uttered I remember fondly the times I was in a relationship with someone where laughter came with ease. I remember the times when I’ve felt completely and utterly in love and overwhelming peace would swell in my soul. From the corner of my eye, I watch the couple sitting caddy corner to me and feel the lilt in my heart as I see them gaze lovingly at each other, nuzzled close shoulder to shoulder and whisper sweet somethings. It’s endearing and inspiring. The fire place is warm nearby. The cool fall air slips through the cracks around the windows. The soft music fills the space in between cold and warm and the souls sharing this space with me push everything higher, deeper, fuller. It’s nearly an ethereal feeling. The precipice of my mind pushes closer to epiphany and my soul ignites. I feel. I think. I am energized. There’s hope. Hope aplenty all around me. Fall comes, leaves fall, grass goes dormant, bees stop buzzing and skies stay gray. This is just a season. It’s the beginning of something new. The season must change to give way to the new season springing underground, piquing to life beyond where eyes can see. So much happens under the cloak of consciousness. Things beyond our comprehension are being orchestrated by forces uncontrollable. They’re divine. They’re purposeful. They’re beautiful. All things come to light and awareness in their due time. Patience is an essential component to enjoying the full masterpiece as it unfolds. Don’t rush it. Don’t force it to be something it isn’t. Just allow all things to manifest as they will in their own due time. The beauty and majesty of the divine will rock you, but it will be more beautiful than you could’ve ever planned.

These are my musings of life.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Affirmations

The story of me and who I am never ends. I am constantly a work of progress and sewn together with multiple strands of inspiration, hope, love, and encouragement. Sometimes those strands get tangled, and some might even break, but at the end of what I hope and envision is a masterpiece of life, the picture will be clear and the images where they’re supposed to be. At times, I feel the tangle, I can feel the stress on the threads before it breaks and in those times I need to find my footing again. I need to find balance and peace that comes from within. I’ve found in past versions of myself and in past experiences that affirmations are very powerful for me. So, I find myself in a place where affirmations might be the thing that propels me toward my more complete masterpiece. Here’s my first draft:

1.  Fall in love with who you are.

This season I’ve been in has caused me to lose sight of who I am and what I’m about. My confidence has been shaken and it’s taking a heavy toll on my soul and body. I have to get me back. Back into my greatest shape mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. My spiritual confidence is destroyed right now so that has to be a great area of focus.

2. Focus on the now. Limit distractions. 

Like so many others, I find myself distracted by things that ought not be a priority. Social media is just perused out of boredom and escape from reality. I gain little from the abundance of time I spend checking, reading, deleting, reacting, etc to the steady stream of shit that flows from social media. Limiting that will ensure I avail myself to the things I need to do to improve my life.

3. Be brave. 

Like my confidence, my sense of bravery has wavered. I’ve found myself thinking pitifully about myself and my situation. Well, lemme tell ya, ain’t nobody got time fo’ that! Pity parties are for the feeble minded. I am not and will not allow myself to participate in that crap anymore. I will stand tall, be brave, and have confidence in what I am doing in all things great and small. I’m going to work on this characteristic. I must improve.

I will add more or edit as I make progress in my affirmations but I think this is a great place to start. I have to remember who I am and why I am who I am. Hopefully, I will remember soon and start acting accordingly. 😊

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

Scars

Few people know the details of my upbringing and all that I had to watch, suffer through, and recover from. The horrors of life were ever present in my life from the time I was a small infant to my older teenage years. This included trauma and chaos at school too. Few people realize how badly I was tormented as a child in school. I had several factors stacked against me. First, I have a unique first name that rhymes with colorful, nasty words (think: “Nicky likes _____.”); I have red hair, and my maiden name was Crisp. To add to the fun, I was also miserably poor. My mom was a single mom of three kids and we had a horrible life full of drugs, neglect, abuse (every kind you can define), and homelessness. We moved from house to house, often lived with my grandparents, worked in their restaurant, and struggled to find any sense of stability. It was awful to say the least. Nobody should have to live like that. In the midst of it all, I found a love for school. I loved school and the teachers. I thrived in school at every opportunity. I loved my teachers and clung to them for safety and security. They were my beacons of hope for a different life.  A life that I deserved. A life that I could make for myself if I just tried hard enough and made good decisions toward. The sad part about this is that school was not safe for me either. I was tormented for all the things that made me unique. I was called names, teased mercilessly, rumors spread about me, and ridiculed at every turn. I remember it was in 4th grade that things started to get really ugly. I was manipulated into thinking I was doing things wrong, that I wasn’t a good friend, and that I was not worthy of friendship, love, or life. I remember walking home from the bus stop crying my eyes out every single day of 4th, 5th, and most of 6th grade. Nobody helped me. Nobody stood up for me. My mom did nothing. The school did nothing. The teachers did nothing. The bus drivers did nothing. My friends cowered behind the bullies thankful they weren’t the targets of such pain. I cried in humiliation, fear, sadness and thought that maybe I didn’t deserve to live. I never attempted to take my life, but if it weren’t for the grace of God, and His divine intervention, I could have lost all hope for better days. Some of the people I am connected to today on social media were my bullies. They’ve never apologized. We’ve never been close. But they are part of why I am who I am today. I don’t see myself as a victim of anything in life, I see myself as a survivor and I am thriving. However, I do not aim to minimize my experiences. In fact, I aim to highlight that life is hard and kids can be cruel, but with time, healing, and good guidance even the worst of the worst can be made good.

I have to remember this in the season I am in right now.

See, my son has become the target of bullying. He has been hit in the face on several occasions, his books and band instrument taken away from him and thrown on the ground, he’s been called names and ridiculed in front of his peers. All while at school, with teachers, cameras, and a wonderful thing called “David’s Law” are in place. And despite all of these things, here we are, 30 years later, and I am replaying the trauma I experienced as a young girl. My trauma does not equal his trauma, but it has prepared me to face this issue head on and with a fierceness that only a parent can muster when their child is being mistreated. The scars of my past have been opened a bit and my unspent tears are being shed in love for my son, the sweetest, most gentle, kind-hearted person the world has known. He is a smart, kind, talented, warm, friendly, inquisitive, joyful, God-loving, encouraging, funny 12 year old. He is all of this and so much more. Thankfully, he doesn’t have any “flaws” stacked against him that makes him an easy target, but here he is being tormented and assaulted at school. I can’t figure out what has caused this other child to lash out against my son. To add fuel to the already volatile situation, the perpetrator in this case is the principal’s son. Lovely.

Ironically, before the first days of 7th grade, my son’s school held what was called “Prep Days” where you get your school ID, class schedule, and find the classrooms on your schedule. While we were there, I spoke with the principal and the assistant principals about a series of inappropriate activities that occurred on the school bus that ran through my neighborhood the year before. Several students had shared that inappropriate sexual activities were taking place between kids on the bus and several fights broke out, too. Well, when I addressed these concerns all of the principals were baffled at the information as though they had never heard of anything like that. They claimed nobody had reported any of this misbehavior and had no knowledge of any parental concerns about what was happening on the bus. The principal even had a dismissive tone as I spoke with him. Red flags went up all over my brain. Not a good impression. And definitely not a good sign of things to come in the given situation.

Nobody deserves to go through this experience. Yet we know that so many kids are victims of bullying and so many suffer in silence. So many kids don’t have anyone to tell. They don’t have anyone to fight for them. They have no voice to be heard and nobody advocates for the mistreatment to stop. Thankfully there are societal changes taking shape, but the abuse happens faster than laws can be passed or lives saved. I will ensure that I use every single resource at my disposal to ensure my son’s safety and that of others. I will not stand idle by and watch my son or any other child abused like this. I know the depth at which these experiences affect you and the pain that stays with you most of your life. I know the helplessness one feels when faced with bullying and mistreatment. Know this: I will advocate for the safety of all children at this school. I will go to any length necessary to achieve the desired results. I will spare no expense in my endeavors.

I may have scars from my childhood, but I am going to use them as badges of honor in my fight. My bullies had their day, but I will have mine in the demand for this to cease for my child.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Judgment.

Judgment is a very heavy word and yet it carries so many variations in meaning. Some use the word lightly and in amusing ways such as “don’t judge me and the kind of music I listen to” and others refer to it in biblical terms like “hell fire and brimstone”. Depending on the conversation, you might find both uses satisfyingly appropriate or not at all. Judgment has its place in society. It’s a testament of our values and our position on different topics and behaviors. Ultimately, it’s a reflection of our truths. Your truth is your perspective and your perspective is gained through experience. Everyone’s life is made up of experiences; some are good, others are bad, and some are down right awful. And yet, these experiences shape us into who we are. While judgment has its place and serves a purpose, there are times when judgment is ugly and comes from a place of hate. This is what I’m finding in some social circles. Not everyone can wrap their head around my life experiences and many certainly struggle with the tales of my love life. Vastly, I’ve received love and support from people near and dear to me. Strangers here have offered their two cents and given kind advice. Yet, there are others who don’t express any sympathy or offer any support for me in this. I get it… I know that some people cannot accept certain things about people. I know that others have varied life experiences that cause such disdain for certain aspects of life. Even more so, society has taken a serious stance about love affairs backed by religious teachings, idioms, and quips. With this said though, love affairs are scarcely different than any other woe life throws at you. Parenting troubles, financial ruin, marriage and divorce, homelessness, infertility, drug abuse, addiction, etc. all maintain parallels with love affairs that few people care to acknowledge. People dismiss the idea of a love affair as something someone chose or something that could’ve been avoided. Something that only sleazy human beings engage in. Immoral, baseless scums of the world are the perpetrators akin to pedophiles and rapists. However, the judgment so easily cast by those who’ve never experienced either side of the scenario lack understanding and intel. I could’ve no easier controlled who I fell in love with than the color of my hair or skin tone. I didn’t set out to fall in love with a married man. I didn’t go to work at a specific place to meet my soulmate. I didn’t get put in the same office as this man so that I could wreak havoc on his and my own life. No. I didn’t set out for this course purposefully. In fact, I planned exactly the opposite in regard to relationships. I made vows to myself that I found to be incredibly hard to maintain as I got to know this man. I realized with each passing day, that no matter what I did, I could not resist him and he couldn’t resist me either. It was something cosmic, something so much bigger than just a tasteless, lust-filled, carnal act. Yet again, it was exactly the opposite; it was a rich, life-giving, passionate, eye opening, life-changing experience. Unlike the judgment and the social constructs that ridicule and shame this type of relationship, I found myself full of love, able to love deeper than ever before, and soulfully connected to my mate.  The love I developed, and the love I still have for this man, was deeper and more intense than any other feeling I’ve had in my life. Love stories are made of this stuff. Songs are written. Shakespeare wrote of this. Beethoven crafted masterpieces with this. Michelangelo painted with this passion. Buildings were erected and wars won with the love and passion my soul carries for this man. So see, this experience shapes my reality. It shapes how I see others around me as it helps me see them  for who they are while giving me insight to the limits of human understanding. We all have our own cross to bear; some crosses may seem more familiar or we can nod in appreciation for what another has to endure, but make no mistake about it, a cross is a cross is a cross.

In closing, one of my favorites idioms:

“Those who live in glass houses ought not throw stones.”

Be mindful of the judgment you cast on others as you endure your own battles in life. We are all just trying to make every day count and no matter how hard we try, we aren’t gonna get out of it alive. It makes little sense to cause others too much trouble along the way as you just might trip on your own robes in the process.

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach 

I will #RiseUp

I am not a saint. Far from it, in fact. I make mistakes. I speak too harshly. I rush to judgment. I interrupt people. I quietly, yet critically observe all things around me. I cuss too much, laugh too loudly, and fall in love way too hard. I over indulge in life’s pleasures. I enjoy an R rated movie from time to time as well as many other less than desirable characteristics that definitely take me out of the running for sainthood. And yet, I am a good person. What makes me a good person is up for debate amongst my closest family and friends therefore it’s safe to say that I have many redeeming qualities.

However, I have been dealing with an angry person for several months now. She is upset with me for very good reason and she is deeply hurt by my actions. I understand where she is coming from and I am sorry she is hurt. I can’t make this one right, though. This can only be healed by God and a deep sense of forgiveness, but like most things, it will take time to come to that realization. She will hurt for some time and she will be angry with me for a good time thereafter. In the meantime, I have become the recipient of many abusive rants that criticize my character and question my humanity. She has called me everything from a “white trash whore” to an idiot not “knowing the most basic of words” and has even referred to me as a “thing”. Par for the course in this situation, I suppose. Her words hurt and they cut me, but I know she doesn’t know the me at my core. She only knows the piece of me that hurt her; the piece she doesn’t, can’t, and won’t ever be able to understand. She can only hurt me with her mean words although they can’t hurt me as deeply as I hurt her. In light of this fact, I will likely continue to receive hateful texts and Facebook messages.

As I have waded through the unpleasant tides of this drama, I have chosen to #RiseUp and not respond to her hate filled messages. Not once. Regardless of how mean and ugly the message was, I haven’t said one word. I have let her rant and rave, throw me under the bus, cuss me, ridicule me, shame me, and everything else. I have processed her words privately and in confidence with my closest friends, but I have not, and will not respond to her. I have been told that I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting me and that I need to defend myself, yet I can’t find the words that seem appropriate or that will heal the wrong she feels. See, I fell in love with her husband and he fell in love with me. We’ve been together for the last five years. He didn’t choose me though. So, now I am alone and saddened because I’m in love with someone who can’t (or won’t) be with me and I am the object of someone’s immense hate. Rightfully so, some would say. I understand her disgust for me. I understand her confusion and loathsome attitude. I understand the place where the mean words come from. So instead of fueling the fire, I read, I process, and then I move on. I have to rise above her words. I can’t offer her anything to soothe her soul. I can’t make anything better for her heart. Everything I have to say would ruin her further. Therefore, I will keep all of my words to myself and save her any more heartache. It doesn’t matter to me what kind of person she’s behaving like right now, he chose her a long time ago and if I know him at all, then I know she’s good. She has to be a great person with a very deep, rich character otherwise he wouldn’t have ever asked her to marry him. And I’m not even mad at him for staying with her because I never expected him to choose me anyway. Time will reveal the truth she needs to know. I don’t need to give her anything right now. She is processing her pain and taking it out on the one person she doesn’t love which is me. I am an easy target for her pain, anger, disgust, shame, and every other emotion she’s feeling right now. She surely won’t treat or talk to him the way she’s being with me. I am the proverbial punching bag and taking all the hits, kinda from both sides, actually, and I’m just riding this out. If I were to say anything to her at all right now, it would be along the lines of, “I understand your anger. I understand your pain. And I understand that ‘sorry’ will never be enough.” But, like I said, I am not going to respond to her vitriolic words, I am going to let her spout off and then keep my reactions to myself. She won’t ever know, or want to know, me as a whole person anyway. Prayerfully, I will continue to have the strength to #RiseUp and not fuel her despise as well as find a place in my heart to pray for their marriage. I will use all the love I have for this amazing man to pray for goodness and mercy to abound in his life while I try to heal my heart and prepare for a new love for my own life. Only time will tell.

Mercifully,

The Repressed Peach