Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Advertisements

Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Happy again

I wrote a post a couple months ago about this sense of sadness that was the undertone for all other emotions. And you know it’s been a minute since I’ve felt true happiness. I can’t say that I’m entirely there just yet, but I can say that I’m definitely on the upswing. I haven’t felt the need to cry humongous alligator tears over my heartache. I don’t feel a deep sense of foreboding. I don’t feel the full weight of the breakup on my shoulders every day. My thoughts aren’t consumed anymore. The songs I listen to speak to all aspects of my life instead of just my heart. Conversations I have don’t spark an immediate memory of us. It’s a good shift. It is a shift supported by some doctor prescribed chemical compounds that have altered my perception but I’m feeling some possible long term effects.

What we had will never be less than it was. Never. No matter how much time passes, what anyone says, or what we do about it… it will always be the best 5 years of my entire life. I will always relish our days, moments, sacred times. I will hold you close to my heart forever. I have just found that it’s not necessary for me to be sad anymore. I can be happy and still love you. I can be happy and still wish you happiness I can be happy and move forward with life. I’m working on the depths of happiness in the facets of life. Like finding happiness in the breeze outside, the beautiful melody of the wind-chime, the cool fresh air on my skin, a freshly made bed of clean sheets, the giggle of a baby nearby, a cold strong drink after a hard day’s work, and so much more. Happiness is being found in the usual moments of the gift of life God has given me. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m blessed. And I’m peacefully happy.

I’m still a work in progress. Far from a finished masterpiece with many layers left to discover about myself and the world around me, and with fortitude, peace, happiness and good friends, I will find a deep spring of happiness that will run my whole life long.

Lovingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

A little about everything.

I realized something as I listened to Kenny Chesney belt out one of his famous tunes “Me and You” this morning, I realized that I never shared any of my true feelings with you. I did things and I wrote messages that eluded to how I felt, I even said I love you, but I never sat you down and spoke all of my feelings aloud. I kept all of it to myself because I didn’t feel like it was fair to put you in that impossible situation where you couldn’t say anything back or even accept the information. Maybe I was keeping it from you so I wouldn’t have to face the rejection that I was certain would come if you knew how deeply I felt for you. See, the love I have for you is about who you are and who I am when we are together. It is based on nothing but the purest form of true love. It’s not about the things we did, places we went, stuff we bought for each other, no… it was more than that. People who have only had conventional relationships can’t comprehend this. They don’t understand that what we shared was more than expensive, lavish dinners out on the town and it was more than any amount of money in the bank. It was how you held me and made me feel beautiful, it was the caramel brown of your eyes peering back at me with love, the strength of your hand in mine, the stretch of your body along my back, the whisper of your voice in my ear and your warm breath tickling my neck, it was the excitement of seeing your truck pull in to your parking space at work or my driveway, it was the anticipation of your good morning text messages and love notes throughout the day. All this and more is what made the love in my soul abound from places unknown.

Some people think I fell in love with you because you were convenient but I couldn’t disagree more. Our relationship wasn’t convenient. It was complex. It was difficult to make this work yet we figured out how to manage a beautiful, full, intense, romantic, kind, loving, fulfilling, exciting relationship for nearly five years despite all obstacles. It wasn’t convenient for either of us yet we had something more precious than I’ve ever known. I fathom you feel the same. We overcame a lot to be together and we worked together better than two people ever could.

My friends feel sad for me because they think I should have this love in my life and I should be allowed to live happily ever after with you. I dunno. Maybe your feelings for me aren’t the same, or maybe they are but you can’t do anything about them for whatever reasons you have. See, the joy in feeling this deeply is that I am free to feel…if I allow myself to anyway. You, however, have to hide your feelings and tuck them away for private moments. I don’t know how you’re doing and I wish I did. I feel like I can feel your sadness about us; maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. I feel like there’s this part of you that misses us and you wish you could feel it all again just one more time. Just one more kiss, hug, or even a long gaze into each other’s eyes. I hunger for it too. For me, happily ever after is a strange thing, because I will forever be happy that you were this love for me and I will relish every moment we shared, yet I know I will have to move on and put these emotions away. I don’t really look forward to that day, but maybe the process will just take time and I will come to terms with it as life moves forward. I will always carry a bit of wonder and sadness about what might’ve been for us because I just know we would’ve been powerful and forever.

You know this morning as I woke up I felt this gloomy shadow come over me. I’ve been feeling it for some time but haven’t given it much voice yet. I have happy moments and I have sad moments but I am not happy. In fact I am sad and I’m angry that I’m sad and I can’t do shit about it. There’s this constant underlying darkness in all that I say and do. The more connected I feel the deeper that darkness goes and I feel the expanse of my happiness swell and I am free to feel, give, process, manage, etc. I am so disconnected right now that I feel like the darkness is just creeping in over the topsoil of my life. So as I laid in my bed, I thought of how I could describe what is happening in my mind. It is like the flowers in my garden are droopy and wilted. They need sun and rain but the clouds only move in, block the sun, and it never rains. The flowers in my garden are wilted. The darkness is consuming the flowers of my life. Then I realized I didn’t feel like this when we were together. My garden was full, blooming, well watered and nourished. They were the happiest flowers in any garden anywhere. But now, they are dying. They are hungry and thirsty. They aren’t getting what they need at all. For some reason I feel powerless to move the clouds out of the way and nourish my own garden and cause my clouds to rain. I feel powerless to move the darkness back to where it belongs. There are so many sayings about how happiness is cultivated within and you can’t make others happy if you’re not happy on your own and others that say you can’t allow your happiness to rest in others, but for me I’m not happy without you. I don’t care what self-help books say, or what a therapist would say, I don’t care what any religious teachings tell me… I miss you and I’m sad without you in my life. That’s it. Bottom line. That is my position about all of this. I’m fucking sad and I’m fucking lonely without you. So for now, the flowers in my garden will wilt and die and eventually I will plant new ones and a new season will arrive. I guess the question I have to ask myself is if I’m gonna sit back and watch the flowers die or if I’m gonna till them under now and start fresh already. If there are no flowers there’s no need for sun or rain, right?

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

Realest me. 

As time goes by I find new and different layers of understanding and growth as I navigate this breakup. Like an onion, it has depth and flavor unknown at first glance. So my newest realization is this… I felt like the most powerful, best, realest version of myself when we were together. The self that I had only imagined I could be, was when I was with you. I felt complete. Empowered. Emboldened. Authentic. I didn’t bust out the chameleon in me to be with you. In fact, I felt free to be myself in all aspects of our relationship. I never shied away from being honest, open, and real in all of our interactions. Whether it was a serious situation or an intimate one, I felt like you accepted all of me just as I was. And I’ve never felt that before. Never in my life. Not from my parents. Not from friends. No other relationship has allowed me to feel so free to be me, exactly as I am, flaws and all. I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I also felt fully awake and alive on every level. I could feel my soul soar. I could feel the passion in my soul writhe with anticipation. I could feel my happiness swell and rise in my heart. I felt joy and peace that I’ve never experienced before. I felt strong and steady. I felt ready to take on the world with you in it and beside me. That’s the one big thing I’m gonna miss for myself, all that I felt when we were together. I miss the hell out of you for all that you are. But I miss the hell out of the me that I was when we were together. I miss her. I don’t know if I can recreate that same self without your energy. There was a symbiosis of souls between us that created a magical bond. A fusion of powers. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I  just know it was rare and incredibly special. I am forever grateful to have known that depth of connection with another person.

One day I hope I will learn how to be the best version of myself without needing you. Maybe I can figure out how to harness the energy in the connection we share to fuel a permanent transformation. I don’t know. But until then, I will remember the me I was when we were together. I will remember the feeling of freedom. And I will not settle for a relationship that offers anything less.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Reprieve. 

This space is my reprieve from expectations. On other social media platforms, I am not free. I am tied to the expectations of how I must behave as a professional, what I can and cannot say because of who my “friends” are and then there’s the trouble with whether they can read with the lens of me as a human being or if they will only read with intent to stab me in the back and cause me harm.

This space, however, allows me to speak freely. I rarely edit myself and I always speak whatever truth I am experiencing at the time. This is where the few people who know who I am, read and appreciate my craft while taking in all that I speak of. I don’t worry about you, my reader, if you’re 14 or from a different profession or of a different culture. I don’t worry about how you’ll misread my words or find them loathsome or glorious. I thought to share some exciting to me news on Facebook last night, yet in the same minute that I thought I would share I also realized, “oh wait, I can’t share that because so and so will see it.” Then I thought of the 18000 different problems that will arise because of the one wrong person that would read the message. Then there’s the conundrum of having young family connected to my social media. I cannot tell you how many times I have avoided taking action about an issue on social media because of my nephews. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not real… whatever, it’s always what I felt like was the right thing to do, except I am silencing myself. I find that I am silencing myself often for the sake of others.

Well, I need my voice. I deserve a voice just as much as the next person. Just because what I say may not be to your liking doesn’t mean it isn’t valid, valuable and essential to be said. So I am working on finding my voice.  Stay tuned for experiments in speaking up!

This is my space. I welcome all my guests and readers. You are cordially invited to share this space with me, just know that you’re in for a wild ride sometimes. Hopefully, you’re inspired or sometimes moved. Maybe your perception has shifted or doors of wonder closed. But hopefully, regardless of anything else, you find unabashed truth. Maybe while you’re relishing in my truth you will experience a reprieve of your own.

Hopefully yours,
The Repressed Peach