As time goes by I find new and different layers of understanding and growth as I navigate this breakup. Like an onion, it has depth and flavor unknown at first glance. So my newest realization is this… I felt like the most powerful, best, realest version of myself when we were together. The self that I had only imagined I could be, was when I was with you. I felt complete. Empowered. Emboldened. Authentic. I didn’t bust out the chameleon in me to be with you. In fact, I felt free to be myself in all aspects of our relationship. I never shied away from being honest, open, and real in all of our interactions. Whether it was a serious situation or an intimate one, I felt like you accepted all of me just as I was. And I’ve never felt that before. Never in my life. Not from my parents. Not from friends. No other relationship has allowed me to feel so free to be me, exactly as I am, flaws and all. I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I also felt fully awake and alive on every level. I could feel my soul soar. I could feel the passion in my soul writhe with anticipation. I could feel my happiness swell and rise in my heart. I felt joy and peace that I’ve never experienced before. I felt strong and steady. I felt ready to take on the world with you in it and beside me. That’s the one big thing I’m gonna miss for myself, all that I felt when we were together. I miss the hell out of you for all that you are. But I miss the hell out of the me that I was when we were together. I miss her. I don’t know if I can recreate that same self without your energy. There was a symbiosis of souls between us that created a magical bond. A fusion of powers. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I just know it was rare and incredibly special. I am forever grateful to have known that depth of connection with another person.
One day I hope I will learn how to be the best version of myself without needing you. Maybe I can figure out how to harness the energy in the connection we share to fuel a permanent transformation. I don’t know. But until then, I will remember the me I was when we were together. I will remember the feeling of freedom. And I will not settle for a relationship that offers anything less.
The Repressed Peach