Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Bball Season

Your favorite time of year has come. Basketball season. You’ll be full tilt at practice and at games on Tuesday and Fridays with some tournament games out of town. You won’t eat right. You’ll be tired. Your paperwork for work will slip a bit as you try to manage all of your responsibilities and meet deadlines. You’ll make it all work as you usually do. You’ll be graceful and kind. You’ll be sleepy in the morning and need your favorite Starbucks drink more often than not. You’ll beat yourself up a bit about not going to the gym and you’ll accept that you’ll gain 20 pounds that you’ll definitely work off in the spring once the season ends. You’ll pull late nights at home trying to catch up on everything and make time for family and down time. You’ll satisfy everyone else before you do anything for yourself.

Grit. You’ve got that figured out. Grace. You’ve got that down pat. Humility. You’re an iconic example. Dedication. The definition. Strength. Surely the strongest person I know. Dependable. You’re always there. Always available.

This season, like every one before it, will come with challenges and triumphs. This season, more than ever before, I wish you a wonderful season. May your scoreboard be full, your bench full, your team work as a team, and your Starbucks ever flowing. Have a great season baby! I will be cheering for you from afar and watching your success!

Love always,

The Repressed Peach

Good enough for now. 

This has been the theme of my life for quite some time now and I just realized it this past week. Everything from my wardrobe to my relationships has revolved around my idea of accepting what it is as good enough for now. I’ve needed this mindset to survive. It was borne from a financial imperative when I first left my exhusband back in 2009 but since it’s just become a rut I’ve been stuck in. 

Accepting your situation for what it is in the moment is a strong virtue. It’s a sign of strength, resilience, and understanding which I consider dope qualities in a person. At some point though, there’s an implied change that should take place due to the “for now” part of the motto. Situations should change. Dynamics should shift thereby making growth and change inherent.

So now it’s time I figure out what I want. What do I really want that makes me happy? I don’t have to sacrifice my happiness or desires anymore. I am financially stable enough to make decisions about furniture purchases. I can expand my professional attire. I can plan adventures. I can actually expect quality relationships with people and not settle for anything less than what I want. My season of “good enough for now” has reached an end. It’s the end of an era for me. It’s on to new and richer experiences without feeling guilty. It’s accepting and allowing myself to feel splendidly happy with my surroundings and my people in all aspects of my life. It’s time to accept greatness and not cheap substitutions. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go wrack up a bunch of debt achieving this new idea. No, in fact, I’m gonna make a plan. I’m gonna develop a strategy and be wise in my decisions but I’m gonna step away from the idea of self-sacrifice. I don’t have to live like that anymore. 

I’m not sure if every mom goes through this or maybe every new family experiences this phenomenon, but I feel as though sacrificing our happiness for our families is good to a point. When you’ve lost love for yourself and you’re not inspired by the surroundings you’re in, then it’s time for a change. I need to love who I am and what I bring to the table. I need to celebrate me more than just on my birthday. I need to feel peace in my personal sanctuary. I need to feel freedom to experience life. I’ve limited myself out of necessity, but times have changed. If you know me then you know I’m not a plastic girl and I’m not a Betty Crocker either, I just want to live a good, happy, full, inspired life surrounded by great opportunities, genuine people, and a home that reflects the beauty of it all. 

It’s been good for so long that I’m ready for great. 

With closure,

The Repressed Peach

Visions

I walk through the grocery store or department store and I see couples everywhere. Some are old and have endured the tests of time while others are rather young and just embarking upon their journey into marriage. With each relationship I wonder about the satisfaction and happiness each person is experiencing in the marriage. I wonder if they go to sleep happy or if they feel appreciated. I wonder if they are being abused or neglected in some way. I wonder if one partner looks at the other with regret or if they look at them with a sense of needing more, that maybe they settled for this person for whatever reason. I look at older men who are lean and adequately fit while the woman is overweight and unkempt and I wonder who is consuming whom. And vice versa is true too. However, the woman seems to be unusually thin while the man is extremely obese which indicates to me that the woman sacrifices everything, even as much as a meal every day, in order to provide for her children and family. I look at rings on fingers and wonder if the band cuts their skin, if it’s too loose, or if it’s a beautiful reminder. I see so much. Sometimes I see that I am fine just where I am… single. Other times, I see that I am missing a critical component to my life. I am missing companionship.

This isn’t an entirely bad thing. I would rather be single than settled for less than a great marriage. I would rather be single than in an abusive relationship and my son see me get hurt. I would rather be single than have some jerk of a guy come into my home thinking he is going to discipline my child or call the shots in my house in any way. I would rather die a thousand deaths than to live a mediocre, passion-less, empty existence married to someone I don’t love. But I do miss companionship. I miss the great parts of life shared with another person. I miss talking about movies and tv shows or doing household projects together. I miss waking up to someone who loves me and kisses my face before I get out of bed. I miss having someone to share an adult joke with or hold hands with. I miss those things badly.

I won’t settle for just anyone or any relationship though; I am not desperate, I am just lonely. I see myself with someone whole and someone who accepts me as the whole that I am. I see the person I am with as the yin to my yang and the salt to my pepper…bringing their own unique qualities to my life that make me better, make me grow, help me strive to find new horizons within myself. And someone who keeps me AWAKE at the wheel of life! God, I cannot go to sleep again…I can’t do it. I hate the autopilot flight plan of life. I want to be awake, alive, and full of passion. Whoever comes into my life has to be vibrant and alive just as much as I am although I don’t feel like I can show it as freely as I want to. I have a vision of what my life will be like when I find my person. I have a very strong point of reference as to what I don’t want it to be.

Truly,

The Repressed Peach

Home is so much more than where your heart is. 

The last couple weeks I’ve definitely felt the light come on inside my soul again. I have felt burdened and heavy for some unknown reason and it was beginning to worry me. I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather change or if it’s because I’m looking forward to the accomplishment of a major life goal, but I’m happy.

In just about two months my first house will be built. I signed the contract in May and have been diligently checking it’s progress each week. Week one was groundbreaking and my excitement was ethereal but now, at week whatever we are at because I’m not counting weeks anymore, the excitement is tangible and reverberates through my every word. This is truly becoming my reality. 

It’s the American Dream, after all, to have the perfect house with a nice backyard, barbecue pit, manicured front yard, and pleasantly mannered neighbors. But at 36, single, rather fixed income, and not much else to carry me except genuine faith, this is a monumental accomplishment in many more ways.

See, when I was a child my mother moved us from house to house, new boyfriend to new boyfriend, etc. We moved frequently every year until moving became such a normal part of our life that we almost didn’t know how to react when we stayed somewhere for more than a year. It was unnerving. And certainly abnormal for us. During the 80s, when I was growing up, buying your own house and raising your three kids alone wasn’t as easy as some might like to think. So that was the primary cause for moving so much. My mom didn’t have many choices available to her.

So, as a mother myself, I have made it a priority to ensure I wouldn’t be caught in the same predicament. I decided early on that my son would have as much stability as humanly possible especially after we separated from his dad. With God’s grace and blessings, I have been able to do exactly that. Humbly, I am honored to say that now we will have our very own house to grow in. This is my very first house in my entire life. I’ve never lived anywhere that was genuinely mine to call home and I can’t even begin to describe how incredible it feels. While I feel somewhat speechless, I feel compelled to try my best to capture the emotions and transformation of my life. Pictures are one thing but words are another. I’m not as good of a photographer as I am a writer.

It’s such an honor and a privilege to be afforded the opportunity to have my own house. I feel like I’m investing in me. My future. My family. That I’m building something sustainable and establishing some permanence in this earthly home. It feels real. I won’t have to flit from bush to bush trying to find my place and feel insecure about my establishment. I will have a permanent address. A home. A house that was mine before it was ever anyone else’s and made the way I desired it. A chance at making a life worth living and building upon for the rest of my life.

I look forward to all the hubbaloo that is soon to ensue with mortgage companies, interest rates, closing costs, and getting the keys! I am excited for the decorating and the arrangements. I am delighted to celebrate my new home with friends and family at the spring housewarming party I’m beginning to plan. I am elated to think that I can have Halloween parties and social groups gather at my home for food and fun instead of going elsewhere all the time. It honestly feels like a missing piece is being put into place within my soul. I am more blessed than I deserve. More rich in conventional ways than in anything else. And I am blissfully satisfied. My cup runneth o’er.

My heart is all in to this house but my home will be all of me completely.