Make no mistake

Make no mistake that my not chasing you is not an act of hate or regret, it is an act of love. Refraining from emailing, texting, or coming to visit you is the best way I know how to show you my love right now. You’ve made your decision. Her. And that is ok. It’s your choice. Who am I to tell you otherwise or try and convince you to choose me? It’s your life. Your path. Your choice. You chose, and out of love I have to respect that. I will keep my thoughts to myself. I will store all this love for you for all eternity. Maybe one day it will fade or transform into something else, but today it is abundant love. I just want you to know that I am secure in my choice to not pursue anything more with you. I will not disrespect your wishes. I will not haggle with you to choose me or love me. I will not stamp my feet in protest of your decisions. I will stand aside and let you make your life how you see fit. In the wings, I will watch and applaud your successes. I will celebrate you and encourage you every step of the way. I will not get in your way of happiness but smile happily that you’re moving forward and making life the way you want it to be. I do miss you. I do wish you chose me. I do wish I knew why we spent 5 years together and it resulted in just broken hearts. I do wish you all the happiness life can bring. And I do wish you peace in your choices. I do. I really, really do.

If you’re ever unsure about how I feel just read any post in this blog and you’ll find my heart pure and true to you. Make no mistake, my heart is and always will be yours. I will always love you. I will always be yours. Through and through.

Always and forever,

The Repressed Peach

Judgment.

Judgment is a very heavy word and yet it carries so many variations in meaning. Some use the word lightly and in amusing ways such as “don’t judge me and the kind of music I listen to” and others refer to it in biblical terms like “hell fire and brimstone”. Depending on the conversation, you might find both uses satisfyingly appropriate or not at all. Judgment has its place in society. It’s a testament of our values and our position on different topics and behaviors. Ultimately, it’s a reflection of our truths. Your truth is your perspective and your perspective is gained through experience. Everyone’s life is made up of experiences; some are good, others are bad, and some are down right awful. And yet, these experiences shape us into who we are. While judgment has its place and serves a purpose, there are times when judgment is ugly and comes from a place of hate. This is what I’m finding in some social circles. Not everyone can wrap their head around my life experiences and many certainly struggle with the tales of my love life. Vastly, I’ve received love and support from people near and dear to me. Strangers here have offered their two cents and given kind advice. Yet, there are others who don’t express any sympathy or offer any support for me in this. I get it… I know that some people cannot accept certain things about people. I know that others have varied life experiences that cause such disdain for certain aspects of life. Even more so, society has taken a serious stance about love affairs backed by religious teachings, idioms, and quips. With this said though, love affairs are scarcely different than any other woe life throws at you. Parenting troubles, financial ruin, marriage and divorce, homelessness, infertility, drug abuse, addiction, etc. all maintain parallels with love affairs that few people care to acknowledge. People dismiss the idea of a love affair as something someone chose or something that could’ve been avoided. Something that only sleazy human beings engage in. Immoral, baseless scums of the world are the perpetrators akin to pedophiles and rapists. However, the judgment so easily cast by those who’ve never experienced either side of the scenario lack understanding and intel. I could’ve no easier controlled who I fell in love with than the color of my hair or skin tone. I didn’t set out to fall in love with a married man. I didn’t go to work at a specific place to meet my soulmate. I didn’t get put in the same office as this man so that I could wreak havoc on his and my own life. No. I didn’t set out for this course purposefully. In fact, I planned exactly the opposite in regard to relationships. I made vows to myself that I found to be incredibly hard to maintain as I got to know this man. I realized with each passing day, that no matter what I did, I could not resist him and he couldn’t resist me either. It was something cosmic, something so much bigger than just a tasteless, lust-filled, carnal act. Yet again, it was exactly the opposite; it was a rich, life-giving, passionate, eye opening, life-changing experience. Unlike the judgment and the social constructs that ridicule and shame this type of relationship, I found myself full of love, able to love deeper than ever before, and soulfully connected to my mate.  The love I developed, and the love I still have for this man, was deeper and more intense than any other feeling I’ve had in my life. Love stories are made of this stuff. Songs are written. Shakespeare wrote of this. Beethoven crafted masterpieces with this. Michelangelo painted with this passion. Buildings were erected and wars won with the love and passion my soul carries for this man. So see, this experience shapes my reality. It shapes how I see others around me as it helps me see them  for who they are while giving me insight to the limits of human understanding. We all have our own cross to bear; some crosses may seem more familiar or we can nod in appreciation for what another has to endure, but make no mistake about it, a cross is a cross is a cross.

In closing, one of my favorites idioms:

“Those who live in glass houses ought not throw stones.”

Be mindful of the judgment you cast on others as you endure your own battles in life. We are all just trying to make every day count and no matter how hard we try, we aren’t gonna get out of it alive. It makes little sense to cause others too much trouble along the way as you just might trip on your own robes in the process.

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach 

Retaliate?

What do you say to someone who is trying to hurt you? At what point do you draw the line and not take their abuse any longer? How much understanding does one have to afford someone before they stand up for themselves?

I’ve endured six months of repeated verbal attacks by my lover’s wife. *(How do I even talk about this? How do I share this without welcoming more abusive attacks?)* Anyway… she is obviously deeply angry with me and is lashing out any which way she can and again I have not responded to her. I’ve let her spew her anger and I have exuded understanding as best as possible. But today, I feel like she crossed the line. She sent me a message telling me that I was not worthy of lasting relationships, nor marriage, because I did not respect her marriage. She said that I was like a snake slithering on my belly waiting for weakness in a man and then I would strike. She said that all marriages experience times of weakness and that her husband’s moment of weakness with me was my fault and that I should have shooed him away and respected their marriage. She said my curse now is that I will never enjoy a marriage of my own in light of my behavior.

This is the thing: I know that falling in love with a married man was not the “right” thing to do. I did not go out looking for him. I did not seek him out and plan this. I did struggle with the ethics of it time and time again. I cried. I prayed. I fought to find love elsewhere. I planned everything I could to NOT have this happen. And yet, it did. I am still at fault for my decisions. I accept responsibility in this. I even accept the consequences, for the most part. I struggle with accepting full and total responsibility for my relationship with him though. We were two equals throughout the five years we were together who kept deciding again and again to choose each other. Which means HE CHOSE ME, TOO!! He is not a victim in this situation. He actively participated in the entire relationship the entire time. So, I don’t really want to hear how I “struck him like a snake” and did some evil thing to him to make him stray from his marriage. I am no magician. I have no spells to cast. I am a woman, flesh, blood, human, and in love with a beautiful man. Send me to hell if you must. Cast spells upon my soul. Wish evil upon me at every turn. Do whatever makes you feel better to ensure that I get my due punishment, I suppose. But, when I have had enough of the abuse, which I am nearing, I will hold my ground and stand up for myself. And dammit, I am worthy of just as much grace and forgiveness as he does. In fact, if we’re being brutally honest, maybe I deserve a little more considering that I am indeed single. Last I checked, I didn’t take any vows to ensure the sanctity of their marriage. He did, though. And he stepped outside of it. He’s no more to blame than I am, but maybe there’s some transference of anger happening here.

I guess that’s where I have been operating from actually. He told me that he loves his wife and that she’s hurt right now. I respect that. I can imagine how she’s feeling which is why I have refrained from responding to her attacks. He loves her and if I hurt her further (or in return), I am hurting someone he loves. I have never wanted to hurt anyone. I know that I did and I can’t take it back, but I don’t want to hurt her further. He cares about her and to hurt her means I hurt him as well.

There’s no one standing up for me though and I don’t think I can take many more of her rants. As soon as I think this though, I have the distinct thought in my mind, “What would Jesus do?” or “How did Jesus endure the hate he received before the crucifixion?” I am trying very hard to be on the right side of this situation as much as I can. I am still wholly in love with him and want only all of the best for him regardless of who he spends his life with. At the same time, I have to live in peace at some point too. So all of this drama must come to an end. And soon. Therefore the question remains, do I retaliate or just leave it all be?

Sadly,

The Repressed Peach