Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Therapy.

There’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Some people hate it, other people judge it, other people think it’s a novel idea but isn’t very effective and others even yet think it’s all just hocus-pocus, but for me, for me it was my life blood for 2 1/2 years. Every week I spent one hour with my therapist and in those minutes just 60 short minutes I solved problems in my head and in my heart and my soul that had been festering for years and years and years. Lots of abuse. Lots of doubt. Lots of self loathing. Troubled relationships. You name it I was going through it. So when I started therapy I didn’t really know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was going to get but in more ways than one it saved my life. It is the best investment in myself that I’ve ever made. 2 1/2 years, one hour a week and I never missed a session. I did better in therapy than I do in the gym but I was dedicated to my wellness at that time. I knew that if my mind was right my body would follow and that it did.

I bumped into my therapist tonight at a celebration party for my new counseling position at a local high school. I haven’t seen my therapist since my last session in December 2010 and so it was a very happy reunion. She was out celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family while I was celebrating with my friends and colleagues for my new position. I happened to look across the pavilion and there she sat so of course I got up and I walked over and I gently touched her arm and I said hi, she immediately got up and just embraced me of the greatest hug and she exclaimed my name and told me how she was so happy to see me, how often she thought of me and the 2 1/2 years we spent in therapy together. I gave her a brief rundown of all my successes recently and many accomplishments since our time together and she was just overjoyed. I could see in her face that she was happy for me and she told me she was proud of me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and proclaim their love for me or affection for me or even that they like me, I feel like my therapist, even though 10 years have passed since we sat across the room from each other and had a conversation she knows me, the true me, better than anybody. I would love to have that type of trusting relationship in my day-to-day life that doesn’t have to happen behind closed doors and doesn’t have to be relegated to just an hour a week of undivided attention and dedicated time to listen to what I have to say and really hear me. I look forward to a day when I have a partner in my life who I can talk to at any given moment, someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can share my passion with, someone I can wonder about all the wonders of the world with, and they’ll just listen and hopefully talk to me too but listen with a smile on their face and not be irritated or put off or annoyed by my brain. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes writing them down in this blog only goes so far. Yeah I have the international readers that are joining me from places like Turkey and Bangladesh and Scandinavia but really I need faces and I want dialogue and I want relationship between people. I miss that deeply and I feel like the further and further away I get from true relationships with other people the more isolated I become and the harder it is to bridge that gap.

So maybe I’m at a point where I might be facing time in therapy again. I might need to go and some kinks out in my character and sort out some misconceptions that maybe I have about myself or what my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. Maybe it’s time for the proverbial “tuneup”, if you will. That might actually be a really good idea. Maybe while I’m at it, maybe I’ll put just as much effort into my physical health as what I’m willing to put in for my mental health.

Therapy is powerful. Therapy is effective. And as Dr. Ray Wooten, one of my professors said, “all counselors are wounded healers.” Maybe I’m a little wounded right now so maybe I need to go get some healing of my own.

What a serendipitous meeting of two kindred souls tonight. I thank God for this encounter. And I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life. As well as all of the many opportunities I’ve been given at every stage of my life and every person who has helped me grow and become a better version of who I am today. My therapist was a critical contributor in helping to shape who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that time and for her insights to help me be the best version of myself that I can be.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Better than I ever had.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, most notably my failed marriage. I’ve loved hard in each of the relationships and I’ve learned so much about myself and the depths to which I love and why I love people the way I do. I’ve learned what makes my heart skip a beat, the butterflies flutter in my tummy, and give life to the warmth of my soul.

Like the tender touch of a man’s strong hand on the small of my back. The tender smile during a shared joke or memory. Romantic gestures like a song sang softly in my ear while dancing in the living room. Warm, starlit nights in the backyard listening to music. Passionate kisses under the shower head, bodies wet and pressed against each other. The tiniest streak of jealousy exposed when a moment of time is stolen by another. One of my favorites is in the heat of passion, being lifted swiftly up around the hips of my man, and the kissing that follows. I have so many moments collected throughout the years from various experiences and yet no individual person gave me as much insight and memories as you.

Perspective.

Imagine only having Saturday sex in the shower with no foreplay, no passion, no tenderness, just obligation, selfishness, and mechanical sex. That was four years of my marriage. Not much compared to some, but a lifetime for me. I can’t operate like that. My husband, the person who was supposed to love and cherish me all my days, the person who fathered my child, was only interested in me after he was wasted. Imagine the person you’re married to only wants to have sex with you while they’re drunk. I’ve had many experiences and I can tell you that I have never felt so cheap and used. I felt taken and disgusted by the sex not cherished or loved. I didn’t even feel liked. I could’ve just been a hole in the wall and gotten as much out of the experience with the same result for him. My own husband made me feel like a cheap whore. As you can imagine, anything better than that had to be pretty good.

But baby, you were so much more than “pretty good”. Despite the imperfect nature of our relationship, you always made me feel like a queen. And not just any queen. I always felt like your queen. You cherished me. You made sure I heard it. You made sure I felt it in every touch of my body. Every word you uttered built me up and breathed life into me. Every moment you gave to me, no matter how long, gave me hope and peace. I felt connected to you in every way possible all the time. I never felt cheap. I never felt used. I never felt “less than”. I never felt empty. I never felt a void that needed to be filled. I never felt disrespected. Ever. And I still haven’t. Baby, in all that we’ve been through in this, you’ve been the best I’ve ever had. Hands down. The. Best. Ever.

I can’t imagine someone giving me anything more than what you have. I can’t imagine a partner who I understand without a single word uttered. A man who completes me in deeper ways than I can express. A soul so connected to me that I can nearly feel your battles waging war inside your heart. You’ll always be the best I ever had in this way too. ❤️

I feel like anyone else is just someone I would have to settle for. Someone who does just enough to maintain a decent relationship but lacks the passion we share. I don’t know if I can sentence myself to a life like that. I don’t know if I can have less than what you’ve given me. You’ve set the bar high babe.

Undyingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

A little about everything.

I realized something as I listened to Kenny Chesney belt out one of his famous tunes “Me and You” this morning, I realized that I never shared any of my true feelings with you. I did things and I wrote messages that eluded to how I felt, I even said I love you, but I never sat you down and spoke all of my feelings aloud. I kept all of it to myself because I didn’t feel like it was fair to put you in that impossible situation where you couldn’t say anything back or even accept the information. Maybe I was keeping it from you so I wouldn’t have to face the rejection that I was certain would come if you knew how deeply I felt for you. See, the love I have for you is about who you are and who I am when we are together. It is based on nothing but the purest form of true love. It’s not about the things we did, places we went, stuff we bought for each other, no… it was more than that. People who have only had conventional relationships can’t comprehend this. They don’t understand that what we shared was more than expensive, lavish dinners out on the town and it was more than any amount of money in the bank. It was how you held me and made me feel beautiful, it was the caramel brown of your eyes peering back at me with love, the strength of your hand in mine, the stretch of your body along my back, the whisper of your voice in my ear and your warm breath tickling my neck, it was the excitement of seeing your truck pull in to your parking space at work or my driveway, it was the anticipation of your good morning text messages and love notes throughout the day. All this and more is what made the love in my soul abound from places unknown.

Some people think I fell in love with you because you were convenient but I couldn’t disagree more. Our relationship wasn’t convenient. It was complex. It was difficult to make this work yet we figured out how to manage a beautiful, full, intense, romantic, kind, loving, fulfilling, exciting relationship for nearly five years despite all obstacles. It wasn’t convenient for either of us yet we had something more precious than I’ve ever known. I fathom you feel the same. We overcame a lot to be together and we worked together better than two people ever could.

My friends feel sad for me because they think I should have this love in my life and I should be allowed to live happily ever after with you. I dunno. Maybe your feelings for me aren’t the same, or maybe they are but you can’t do anything about them for whatever reasons you have. See, the joy in feeling this deeply is that I am free to feel…if I allow myself to anyway. You, however, have to hide your feelings and tuck them away for private moments. I don’t know how you’re doing and I wish I did. I feel like I can feel your sadness about us; maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. I feel like there’s this part of you that misses us and you wish you could feel it all again just one more time. Just one more kiss, hug, or even a long gaze into each other’s eyes. I hunger for it too. For me, happily ever after is a strange thing, because I will forever be happy that you were this love for me and I will relish every moment we shared, yet I know I will have to move on and put these emotions away. I don’t really look forward to that day, but maybe the process will just take time and I will come to terms with it as life moves forward. I will always carry a bit of wonder and sadness about what might’ve been for us because I just know we would’ve been powerful and forever.

You know this morning as I woke up I felt this gloomy shadow come over me. I’ve been feeling it for some time but haven’t given it much voice yet. I have happy moments and I have sad moments but I am not happy. In fact I am sad and I’m angry that I’m sad and I can’t do shit about it. There’s this constant underlying darkness in all that I say and do. The more connected I feel the deeper that darkness goes and I feel the expanse of my happiness swell and I am free to feel, give, process, manage, etc. I am so disconnected right now that I feel like the darkness is just creeping in over the topsoil of my life. So as I laid in my bed, I thought of how I could describe what is happening in my mind. It is like the flowers in my garden are droopy and wilted. They need sun and rain but the clouds only move in, block the sun, and it never rains. The flowers in my garden are wilted. The darkness is consuming the flowers of my life. Then I realized I didn’t feel like this when we were together. My garden was full, blooming, well watered and nourished. They were the happiest flowers in any garden anywhere. But now, they are dying. They are hungry and thirsty. They aren’t getting what they need at all. For some reason I feel powerless to move the clouds out of the way and nourish my own garden and cause my clouds to rain. I feel powerless to move the darkness back to where it belongs. There are so many sayings about how happiness is cultivated within and you can’t make others happy if you’re not happy on your own and others that say you can’t allow your happiness to rest in others, but for me I’m not happy without you. I don’t care what self-help books say, or what a therapist would say, I don’t care what any religious teachings tell me… I miss you and I’m sad without you in my life. That’s it. Bottom line. That is my position about all of this. I’m fucking sad and I’m fucking lonely without you. So for now, the flowers in my garden will wilt and die and eventually I will plant new ones and a new season will arrive. I guess the question I have to ask myself is if I’m gonna sit back and watch the flowers die or if I’m gonna till them under now and start fresh already. If there are no flowers there’s no need for sun or rain, right?

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

Musings.

As I watch the lady in the courtyard laugh sweetly at whatever her significant other just uttered I remember fondly the times I was in a relationship with someone where laughter came with ease. I remember the times when I’ve felt completely and utterly in love and overwhelming peace would swell in my soul. From the corner of my eye, I watch the couple sitting caddy corner to me and feel the lilt in my heart as I see them gaze lovingly at each other, nuzzled close shoulder to shoulder and whisper sweet somethings. It’s endearing and inspiring. The fire place is warm nearby. The cool fall air slips through the cracks around the windows. The soft music fills the space in between cold and warm and the souls sharing this space with me push everything higher, deeper, fuller. It’s nearly an ethereal feeling. The precipice of my mind pushes closer to epiphany and my soul ignites. I feel. I think. I am energized. There’s hope. Hope aplenty all around me. Fall comes, leaves fall, grass goes dormant, bees stop buzzing and skies stay gray. This is just a season. It’s the beginning of something new. The season must change to give way to the new season springing underground, piquing to life beyond where eyes can see. So much happens under the cloak of consciousness. Things beyond our comprehension are being orchestrated by forces uncontrollable. They’re divine. They’re purposeful. They’re beautiful. All things come to light and awareness in their due time. Patience is an essential component to enjoying the full masterpiece as it unfolds. Don’t rush it. Don’t force it to be something it isn’t. Just allow all things to manifest as they will in their own due time. The beauty and majesty of the divine will rock you, but it will be more beautiful than you could’ve ever planned.

These are my musings of life.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Affirmations

The story of me and who I am never ends. I am constantly a work of progress and sewn together with multiple strands of inspiration, hope, love, and encouragement. Sometimes those strands get tangled, and some might even break, but at the end of what I hope and envision is a masterpiece of life, the picture will be clear and the images where they’re supposed to be. At times, I feel the tangle, I can feel the stress on the threads before it breaks and in those times I need to find my footing again. I need to find balance and peace that comes from within. I’ve found in past versions of myself and in past experiences that affirmations are very powerful for me. So, I find myself in a place where affirmations might be the thing that propels me toward my more complete masterpiece. Here’s my first draft:

1.  Fall in love with who you are.

This season I’ve been in has caused me to lose sight of who I am and what I’m about. My confidence has been shaken and it’s taking a heavy toll on my soul and body. I have to get me back. Back into my greatest shape mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. My spiritual confidence is destroyed right now so that has to be a great area of focus.

2. Focus on the now. Limit distractions. 

Like so many others, I find myself distracted by things that ought not be a priority. Social media is just perused out of boredom and escape from reality. I gain little from the abundance of time I spend checking, reading, deleting, reacting, etc to the steady stream of shit that flows from social media. Limiting that will ensure I avail myself to the things I need to do to improve my life.

3. Be brave. 

Like my confidence, my sense of bravery has wavered. I’ve found myself thinking pitifully about myself and my situation. Well, lemme tell ya, ain’t nobody got time fo’ that! Pity parties are for the feeble minded. I am not and will not allow myself to participate in that crap anymore. I will stand tall, be brave, and have confidence in what I am doing in all things great and small. I’m going to work on this characteristic. I must improve.

I will add more or edit as I make progress in my affirmations but I think this is a great place to start. I have to remember who I am and why I am who I am. Hopefully, I will remember soon and start acting accordingly. 😊

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach