Chosen

Thank you to all the people who have chosen me in my life.

From my first boyfriend who gave me all of our many firsts to my ex-husband who at least chose me for a time at least I was chosen and wanted at some point in my life by someone. Someone who wanted me and chose to commit to me and building a life with me for whatever time we had.

I don’t know if I will ever have that again with anyone so I can’t help but be grateful for the times I was chosen as a partner as someone desirable to have around. Whatever my flaws or features, I was wanted.

The callous that’s been protecting my heart for so long is falling away. Just as I prayed it would. And as it falls further and further away there’s a lot of pain and sadness. Feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel and thoughts I haven’t allowed myself to think. Now they come crashing in like a damn tsunami. Such it is.

I’m sad sometimes. I am scared sometimes. But I’m always alone. I want a relationship with someone who chooses me every day. I want flowers for no reason. I want birthday presents from the one who loves me. I want vacations and date nights. I want a life partner who will walk alongside me and encourage me in our journey. I want to wake up and feel the warmth of his body in my bed. I want to feel his strong body next to mine. I want to watch him sleep and be the first thing he sees when he wakes.

One day, maybe I will be blessed with a loving, long-lasting, blessed by God relationship where I will feel wholly accepted, deeply loved, and chosen. And I will choose him. Every day. Every moment. For all of my remaining breaths and beyond, I will choose my partner and invest in us with every action, thought, and dream. Just as I would hope for him to do the same for us. One day, I want to forget what it felt like to feel alone, scared and sad. I want to forget the feelings but hold dearly to the lessons so as to never feel this way again. I want to build with someone. I want to build down, not out, not up, but down deep… grow roots and find water, let the tendrils of love sink deep and far into the souls we share and interweave so firmly as to never be broken or unbound. I want the depth of unconditional love for my partner, similar to that love of a child; deep, unbreakable, unconditional, altruistic, peaceful, wholesome love that restores faith, breeds hope, and is strong enough to endure growing pains and struggle that is innate to all relationships.

I will lift my eyes to God and rely on Him and his timing to make this a reality. He knows the needs of my heart and he will deliver in his own time and him own way. I will keep dreaming and hoping for the day when He answers. ❤️🙏🏼

Prayerfully,

The Repressed Peach

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Advocacy

I have a severe issue with self-advocacy.

It seems that I can stick up for other people really well. I can help them with their own issues. I can support them by being a great listener and even offering sound bits of advice as appropriate. With my child I am a staunch advocate for him that he is taken care of and respected well by adults and children alike. However, when it comes to me and what I need, I have a hard time asking for it. I have a hard time drawing the proverbial line in the sand about what I will allow to happen to me in my life. I have decent boundaries though, which is a good first step, but past that when looking at how I allow people to treat me is very poor. I know on a cognitive level that I don’t deserve the treatment. I don’t deserve the snide remarks. I don’t deserve being dis-invited to weddings or being left out of special ceremonies. I can think of no specific thing that I have done that would warrant such actions against me. Even asking why I was dis-invited or being left out causes me a ton of anxiety. I feel as though I am asking things that I don’t deserve to ask or that I am out of line for thinking I deserve to be treated differently than what I am. As a counselor I know that this line of thinking is absurd. I cognitively know something different than what I believe yet I feel powerless to change my thinking.

I want to be able to say to someone, “Hey, you know when you said/did/asked _______? I wonder where that was coming from because I was hurt/angry/confused/sad, etc. Can you give me some more insight about that situation.” I just don’t have the confidence in myself right now to do that and I’m not sure why. Strange how I can teach others to do just that and ask themselves to believe in their truths, trust their feelings, go with their heart, make no apologies for themselves, and yet here I sit writing this post wondering why I cannot take my own advice. Why can’t I ask the hard questions? Why can’t I face the truth head on? Why can’t I ask someone to treat me better/different because I am worthy?

As I have thought through all of this I think it is all rooted in fear. I fear rejection. I fear the unequivocal truths that will result. I fear people thinking I am better than I am. I fear being disappointed by my own actions. I fear overstepping boundaries or some social rule that I am not aware of. And I know that I shouldn’t be so afraid. Surely, so much of this is miscommunication and misunderstanding or even lack of information. Conversely, when someone has an issue with me or I have committed some perceived grave injustice then I am quick to hop on the issue at hand and address it. I don’t want others to harbor any ill will toward me about an unfortunate issue and I want to address it head on. Not all things that come up warrant a reaction though so I choose my battles. I am constantly aware of how my behavior and words affect others and I go to great pains to ensure that I cause them no unrest. Am I perfect? Read any other post in this blog and you will find evidence to the contrary.  So I am not perfect, not by any stretch. However, I know I work to prevent issues and I work to resolve the ones I cause.

My inability to advocate for myself is causing me unhappiness. I am internalizing the misperceptions and miscommunications and harboring them as evidence that I am unacceptable, unloved, disregarded, inconvenient, and unworthy. I am allowing my inability to speak up for myself to turn into some sour attitude which then seeps out at the most inopportune times. Maybe I’m feeling a little too vulnerable and I say something out of character. Or maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude and I lash out in frustration. I feel the sticky ugliness of these pent up feelings residing within my heart and soul and they’re making me ill. I feel the well rising and it’s about to crest. I have to change this behavior and my thinking around it so that I can be well and feel free to express myself appropriately. This is just one of many things that I wish to improve upon. Any sage advice or tips are welcome.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Never better!

Baby I’ve never felt better! I’m over the moon in love with you. In love with your body. In love with the way you touched me last night. In love with the passion we shared and all the intimate moments created that are beyond words and comprehension. You’ve never made love to me like you did last night. We went places in our connection that we’ve only brushed the surface of before but last night we dove head first into the pool. No restrictions. No moment of pause. No breaks or time outs. We just went to that place and stayed for over an hour.

I’ve replayed each moment in my mind at least a 100 times and find myself relishing every single second. Beyond the physical, I enjoyed every unspoken moment shared, every feeling we felt and caused in each other. Those are the moments that make my heart swell and brim full of love for you. The waves of passion and ecstasy sweep through me over and over again. And like every time before, I feel so satisfied yet I long for more. I want to be with you, beside you… I want to talk about last night and kiss you while we recount the moments. I want to weave my fingers between yours and feel the power of your strength fulfilling me. My body aches in all the right places from the sexcapade we enjoyed. A wonderful experience I haven’t had in nearly 10 years! And my god was it worth the wait!

I wish I knew how to put into words what magic we weave. I feel so much, long for so much, love so much but it’s all indescribable. It’s just amazing. Maybe someone outside of us can see it and explain it but every time I even try I feel like I’m just dancing on the edge of epitome but can no more fully reach the idea than I can reach out and touch the stars. The beauty and majesty are just as pure and true as the stars in the night sky. Very present, very real and so incredibly magical. You are my magic man baby. 😊 You’re my love. I know you enjoyed our time together just as much. Yesterday morning and late last night we made some magic love together and played hard together. And god was it amazing!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me baby. I can’t wait until next time! ❤️

Love you always,

The Repressed Peach

Reckless love.

I heard a phrase today “reckless love” and it touched my soul. This word has two connotations; one is that it’s a bad thing, reckless like a reckless driver who causes problems on the highway and byways they put people in danger, but then there’s the other kind of reckless, reckless in the way that I don’t hold back and I don’t cast doubt on my own emotions and so in this way reckless love has a positive connotation to it. That’s the kind of love that I feel for you. It doesn’t matter if I’m safe, it doesn’t matter what I get back, it doesn’t matter my comfort level in loving you. I don’t second-guess my love, I don’t doubt it, I don’t even really try to control it. And while it may seem foolish or stupid to some, to me it’s the only way I know how to truly love somebody. I can’t say that I’ve been this reckless with love in the past but I can definitely say this is the type of reckless love that I want to have for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to play it safe, I don’t want to play it cool, I want to love without boundaries, I want to love without holding anything back not even a single solitary piece of me do I want to hold back. I believe this reckless love is very similar to if not identical to unconditional love. There is no condition upon which my love for you begins or ends. There’s nothing you can do or some character flaw that you might have that can cause it to cease. If my love for you ever ceases it will only be because something made that love have to go away or transform into energy elsewhere but will never be because of anything you’ve done or anything of the sort. This all seems really simple for me and how I choose to love and how I express my love, but I wonder if anybody has ever loved me like this? I wonder if any level of this emotion is ever been reciprocated. But maybe that’s not of my business either.

Recklessly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Therapy.

There’s a lot of stigma around therapy. Some people hate it, other people judge it, other people think it’s a novel idea but isn’t very effective and others even yet think it’s all just hocus-pocus, but for me, for me it was my life blood for 2 1/2 years. Every week I spent one hour with my therapist and in those minutes just 60 short minutes I solved problems in my head and in my heart and my soul that had been festering for years and years and years. Lots of abuse. Lots of doubt. Lots of self loathing. Troubled relationships. You name it I was going through it. So when I started therapy I didn’t really know what to expect from it and I didn’t know what I was going to get but in more ways than one it saved my life. It is the best investment in myself that I’ve ever made. 2 1/2 years, one hour a week and I never missed a session. I did better in therapy than I do in the gym but I was dedicated to my wellness at that time. I knew that if my mind was right my body would follow and that it did.

I bumped into my therapist tonight at a celebration party for my new counseling position at a local high school. I haven’t seen my therapist since my last session in December 2010 and so it was a very happy reunion. She was out celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family while I was celebrating with my friends and colleagues for my new position. I happened to look across the pavilion and there she sat so of course I got up and I walked over and I gently touched her arm and I said hi, she immediately got up and just embraced me of the greatest hug and she exclaimed my name and told me how she was so happy to see me, how often she thought of me and the 2 1/2 years we spent in therapy together. I gave her a brief rundown of all my successes recently and many accomplishments since our time together and she was just overjoyed. I could see in her face that she was happy for me and she told me she was proud of me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and proclaim their love for me or affection for me or even that they like me, I feel like my therapist, even though 10 years have passed since we sat across the room from each other and had a conversation she knows me, the true me, better than anybody. I would love to have that type of trusting relationship in my day-to-day life that doesn’t have to happen behind closed doors and doesn’t have to be relegated to just an hour a week of undivided attention and dedicated time to listen to what I have to say and really hear me. I look forward to a day when I have a partner in my life who I can talk to at any given moment, someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can share my passion with, someone I can wonder about all the wonders of the world with, and they’ll just listen and hopefully talk to me too but listen with a smile on their face and not be irritated or put off or annoyed by my brain. I have a lot of ideas and sometimes writing them down in this blog only goes so far. Yeah I have the international readers that are joining me from places like Turkey and Bangladesh and Scandinavia but really I need faces and I want dialogue and I want relationship between people. I miss that deeply and I feel like the further and further away I get from true relationships with other people the more isolated I become and the harder it is to bridge that gap.

So maybe I’m at a point where I might be facing time in therapy again. I might need to go and some kinks out in my character and sort out some misconceptions that maybe I have about myself or what my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. Maybe it’s time for the proverbial “tuneup”, if you will. That might actually be a really good idea. Maybe while I’m at it, maybe I’ll put just as much effort into my physical health as what I’m willing to put in for my mental health.

Therapy is powerful. Therapy is effective. And as Dr. Ray Wooten, one of my professors said, “all counselors are wounded healers.” Maybe I’m a little wounded right now so maybe I need to go get some healing of my own.

What a serendipitous meeting of two kindred souls tonight. I thank God for this encounter. And I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life. As well as all of the many opportunities I’ve been given at every stage of my life and every person who has helped me grow and become a better version of who I am today. My therapist was a critical contributor in helping to shape who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that time and for her insights to help me be the best version of myself that I can be.

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Better than I ever had.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, most notably my failed marriage. I’ve loved hard in each of the relationships and I’ve learned so much about myself and the depths to which I love and why I love people the way I do. I’ve learned what makes my heart skip a beat, the butterflies flutter in my tummy, and give life to the warmth of my soul.

Like the tender touch of a man’s strong hand on the small of my back. The tender smile during a shared joke or memory. Romantic gestures like a song sang softly in my ear while dancing in the living room. Warm, starlit nights in the backyard listening to music. Passionate kisses under the shower head, bodies wet and pressed against each other. The tiniest streak of jealousy exposed when a moment of time is stolen by another. One of my favorites is in the heat of passion, being lifted swiftly up around the hips of my man, and the kissing that follows. I have so many moments collected throughout the years from various experiences and yet no individual person gave me as much insight and memories as you.

Perspective.

Imagine only having Saturday sex in the shower with no foreplay, no passion, no tenderness, just obligation, selfishness, and mechanical sex. That was four years of my marriage. Not much compared to some, but a lifetime for me. I can’t operate like that. My husband, the person who was supposed to love and cherish me all my days, the person who fathered my child, was only interested in me after he was wasted. Imagine the person you’re married to only wants to have sex with you while they’re drunk. I’ve had many experiences and I can tell you that I have never felt so cheap and used. I felt taken and disgusted by the sex not cherished or loved. I didn’t even feel liked. I could’ve just been a hole in the wall and gotten as much out of the experience with the same result for him. My own husband made me feel like a cheap whore. As you can imagine, anything better than that had to be pretty good.

But baby, you were so much more than “pretty good”. Despite the imperfect nature of our relationship, you always made me feel like a queen. And not just any queen. I always felt like your queen. You cherished me. You made sure I heard it. You made sure I felt it in every touch of my body. Every word you uttered built me up and breathed life into me. Every moment you gave to me, no matter how long, gave me hope and peace. I felt connected to you in every way possible all the time. I never felt cheap. I never felt used. I never felt “less than”. I never felt empty. I never felt a void that needed to be filled. I never felt disrespected. Ever. And I still haven’t. Baby, in all that we’ve been through in this, you’ve been the best I’ve ever had. Hands down. The. Best. Ever.

I can’t imagine someone giving me anything more than what you have. I can’t imagine a partner who I understand without a single word uttered. A man who completes me in deeper ways than I can express. A soul so connected to me that I can nearly feel your battles waging war inside your heart. You’ll always be the best I ever had in this way too. ❤️

I feel like anyone else is just someone I would have to settle for. Someone who does just enough to maintain a decent relationship but lacks the passion we share. I don’t know if I can sentence myself to a life like that. I don’t know if I can have less than what you’ve given me. You’ve set the bar high babe.

Undyingly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Choices.

Since the beginning of time choices have set a course for all of humanity. Some choices have propelled us forward while others have set us back in various ways. It’s the ability to think through choices before taking action that ensures the best decisions are made during critical moments of time in life and throughout society. Thinking before acting is a mature skill that many have not developed thoroughly.

As we’ve grown through this experience, I’ve kinda bellyached off and on about not choosing me where some days I was understanding and other days I was upset or disappointed. As I reflect on each day, each moment, each setback to grow forward together I realize that your choices are purposeful. I can neither be mad nor disappointed as it is your life and your journey. As it was in the beginning, it will remain that choices will create a path that God intended. Your choices positively influence my path as well. Every decision you make to not engage, not call, not visit, not write/text, etc. paves a future for both of us. Separately or together, it’s all part of the journey. Some days I find comfort in this, other days I am disappointed.

I want you in my world. I just do.

For whatever reason God has in his divine plan, we are connected but not together. I have to understand and have faith in God’s intent for us. I have to breathe and think through the disappointment and missing you to get back to the understanding. Choices. Again, I can choose how I think and ultimately feel about this. I can exercise wisdom and imagine that you’re choosing paths that are right for you.

There’s a piece of this that makes me curious though… are you choosing out of fear or choosing because of what’s right? I honestly wonder sometimes if we would destroy each other if we were together. I wonder if you would love all the things that are quirky and unique about me. I wonder if the way I get wrapped up in my work would cause you unrest. Or if when I read and seek solitude for a time would hurt your feelings. I wonder if we would get caught up in the mundane of being parents, homeowners, working class people. Would we find time to love each other and celebrate the beautiful qualities we each have. Would we be able to take romantic getaways and nights out on the town or would we just be bogged down with exes and the drama that often entails. So at times I find that maybe you’re not choosing me now is preparing a path for us that’s even better than what it could possibly be right now. I have to maintain my faith that you’re part of my future. I just can’t let that go. It seems silly to others who don’t know us because they don’t know what we have but it’s my truth. And this is the truth I choose. Every day. Every day I choose you.

Willingly yours,

The Repressed Peach