A little about everything.

I realized something as I listened to Kenny Chesney belt out one of his famous tunes “Me and You” this morning, I realized that I never shared any of my true feelings with you. I did things and I wrote messages that eluded to how I felt, I even said I love you, but I never sat you down and spoke all of my feelings aloud. I kept all of it to myself because I didn’t feel like it was fair to put you in that impossible situation where you couldn’t say anything back or even accept the information. Maybe I was keeping it from you so I wouldn’t have to face the rejection that I was certain would come if you knew how deeply I felt for you. See, the love I have for you is about who you are and who I am when we are together. It is based on nothing but the purest form of true love. It’s not about the things we did, places we went, stuff we bought for each other, no… it was more than that. People who have only had conventional relationships can’t comprehend this. They don’t understand that what we shared was more than expensive, lavish dinners out on the town and it was more than any amount of money in the bank. It was how you held me and made me feel beautiful, it was the caramel brown of your eyes peering back at me with love, the strength of your hand in mine, the stretch of your body along my back, the whisper of your voice in my ear and your warm breath tickling my neck, it was the excitement of seeing your truck pull in to your parking space at work or my driveway, it was the anticipation of your good morning text messages and love notes throughout the day. All this and more is what made the love in my soul abound from places unknown.

Some people think I fell in love with you because you were convenient but I couldn’t disagree more. Our relationship wasn’t convenient. It was complex. It was difficult to make this work yet we figured out how to manage a beautiful, full, intense, romantic, kind, loving, fulfilling, exciting relationship for nearly five years despite all obstacles. It wasn’t convenient for either of us yet we had something more precious than I’ve ever known. I fathom you feel the same. We overcame a lot to be together and we worked together better than two people ever could.

My friends feel sad for me because they think I should have this love in my life and I should be allowed to live happily ever after with you. I dunno. Maybe your feelings for me aren’t the same, or maybe they are but you can’t do anything about them for whatever reasons you have. See, the joy in feeling this deeply is that I am free to feel…if I allow myself to anyway. You, however, have to hide your feelings and tuck them away for private moments. I don’t know how you’re doing and I wish I did. I feel like I can feel your sadness about us; maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. I feel like there’s this part of you that misses us and you wish you could feel it all again just one more time. Just one more kiss, hug, or even a long gaze into each other’s eyes. I hunger for it too. For me, happily ever after is a strange thing, because I will forever be happy that you were this love for me and I will relish every moment we shared, yet I know I will have to move on and put these emotions away. I don’t really look forward to that day, but maybe the process will just take time and I will come to terms with it as life moves forward. I will always carry a bit of wonder and sadness about what might’ve been for us because I just know we would’ve been powerful and forever.

You know this morning as I woke up I felt this gloomy shadow come over me. I’ve been feeling it for some time but haven’t given it much voice yet. I have happy moments and I have sad moments but I am not happy. In fact I am sad and I’m angry that I’m sad and I can’t do shit about it. There’s this constant underlying darkness in all that I say and do. The more connected I feel the deeper that darkness goes and I feel the expanse of my happiness swell and I am free to feel, give, process, manage, etc. I am so disconnected right now that I feel like the darkness is just creeping in over the topsoil of my life. So as I laid in my bed, I thought of how I could describe what is happening in my mind. It is like the flowers in my garden are droopy and wilted. They need sun and rain but the clouds only move in, block the sun, and it never rains. The flowers in my garden are wilted. The darkness is consuming the flowers of my life. Then I realized I didn’t feel like this when we were together. My garden was full, blooming, well watered and nourished. They were the happiest flowers in any garden anywhere. But now, they are dying. They are hungry and thirsty. They aren’t getting what they need at all. For some reason I feel powerless to move the clouds out of the way and nourish my own garden and cause my clouds to rain. I feel powerless to move the darkness back to where it belongs. There are so many sayings about how happiness is cultivated within and you can’t make others happy if you’re not happy on your own and others that say you can’t allow your happiness to rest in others, but for me I’m not happy without you. I don’t care what self-help books say, or what a therapist would say, I don’t care what any religious teachings tell me… I miss you and I’m sad without you in my life. That’s it. Bottom line. That is my position about all of this. I’m fucking sad and I’m fucking lonely without you. So for now, the flowers in my garden will wilt and die and eventually I will plant new ones and a new season will arrive. I guess the question I have to ask myself is if I’m gonna sit back and watch the flowers die or if I’m gonna till them under now and start fresh already. If there are no flowers there’s no need for sun or rain, right?

Thoughtfully,

The Repressed Peach

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I’ve said nothing. 

All this writing and trying to get my emotions out and I’ve said little to nothing. Nothing I can say can express how deeply I feel. Nothing can describe the ache in my soul. No words can tell of the frustration or desire I feel. Nothing can ease my need for you. I can’t describe how I looked for you in everyone and everything I saw today. I went to Starbucks and ordered your drink. I got my hair done and saw a truck just like yours in the mirror and my heart stopped for a moment wondering if it was you. I saw a man across the room from me and I looked for you in his face. I saw another man and I looked again and to my  disappointment he wasn’t you and I saw no resemblance of you. And nothing I write or say can tell of how many places in me hurt because of the disappointment I felt. I thought of you all day. If a stream of consciousness could be transcribed from my brain, one would see that every thought, song I listened to, things I saw, feelings I felt, food I tasted had a trace of you in them. Every thing. And god have I tried to make it stop. I’ve tried to distract myself and find thoughts and time without you. But the more I push you out the harder you flood back in.

I want to touch your soft face and run my fingers through your hair. I want to kiss your cheek and smell the scent of you. I want to run my hands along the strength of your chest and feel your body tremble under my touch. I want to feel your supple and full lips on mine and breathe you in. God I wish I could just see you and drink you in. Watch your strong hands lift the simplest form. Admire the strength of your legs flex under your chocolate brown skin. I want to feel the warmth of you near me. I want to feel your eyes gaze into mine and feel that energy, the connection that everyone can see. And I can’t. I can’t have any of these things and it kills me a little bit every day to know that my soul will starve without you. Without us. With nothing more. God. I pray for healing. I pray for this pain to go away. I pray for any comfort. And I find little. My stomach physically aches. My dreams are rampant and scary. My soul is tired and yearning for something it cannot have. My body needs your love and is withering away more and more as each day passes. My life needs you in it. I can’t wish it away no matter how hard I try. I can’t pray it away. And I can’t deny it. I fear we will become the sad love story that never was and I will eventually have to settle for someone to grow old with. Someone who is just good enough but will never be you. I can’t even begin to say how much I fucking hate that. I can’t imagine being single he remainder of my days but I sure can’t see being ok with someone who isn’t you.

I don’t know why I had to fall in love with you. I don’t know why you came into my life when you did. I don’t know why we have this electric energy that is beyond comprehension. I don’t know anything more than what I feel for you.

Even after all this writing, all the tears that have streamed down my face, all the aches in my soul, I am left with just as much feeling as I started with and no more answers than what I started with. No greater peace. No more angst assuaged. More remains to be written but words just don’t suffice.

The Repressed Peach  

Missing you. 

My soul aches so deeply. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I dream of you every night but it brings me little happiness because I know we will never be. I watch movies with people who speak their love for each other and I let the wall fall just a bit and tears roll down my cheeks. I wonder how long it will take until all the tears have spilled. I wonder if I would’ve given voice to my feelings earlier if I would feel better. But now, I wonder if I’ll ever know how you feel about us. I have dammed up all my sadness and it hides behind tired, hurt eyes. My soul is tired. I need respite to recover from all the hurt I feel. I’ve tried ignoring it and dismissing it with cliches and optimism but there’s no mistaking the distress I’m in. I either sleep all the time or I don’t sleep at all. I can’t make myself go do anything more than necessary because I just can’t spend the energy. I need to go to the gym but I fear that I’m gonna get there and really fall apart. I fear that I won’t be able to pull my shit together when the reality hits. I may have to live my life without you in it entirely and it kills me. Just know this: I would choose you every day, every week, every month, every year for the rest of my life. I would choose us. I would choose the hilarious banter during our most intimate times. I would choose the earth shaking passion we share. I would choose the quiet, honest, intimate moments when I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I would choose us when you’d tell me all that you appreciated about me in your sweet, sexy voice resonating in my ear speaking directly to my soul. I would choose all the adventures we spoke of so often and pray for time to do them all together. I would choose us when things were difficult and we were kind and understanding of each other. I would choose us on rainy days when we could stay inside and make love, on sick days when you wouldn’t kiss me, on sunny days when my skin would burn, on foggy days when we could stay inside and watch movies, on windy days when our souls could rest and relax. I would choose us. Over and over again. Despite everything that’s happened, all I want is us. I want you.

I don’t know what more to say. The words don’t do much justice to all that I think and feel. I wish I could write down every memory and store it here for safekeeping but some things are better left to the memory of the heart. We know what we have. We know our truth. It is soul crushing to ignore and push aside. I can’t ignore how incredible I feel when we are together. I can’t ignore the sense of relief I feel when you’re around me. I can’t deny how deeply in love with you I am. I can’t do anything about any of it but hope that you read this just so you know how I feel.

I worry about you, too. I worry about your heart and soul. I pray you’re being honest with yourself and giving yourself what you need. If so, then I can only sit back and thank god that you are and pray that he  remove this love from my heart. I can’t keep loving you like this with nothing in return. I deserve what we have and so much more.

Achingly,

The Repressed Peach 

Retaliate?

What do you say to someone who is trying to hurt you? At what point do you draw the line and not take their abuse any longer? How much understanding does one have to afford someone before they stand up for themselves?

I’ve endured six months of repeated verbal attacks by my lover’s wife. *(How do I even talk about this? How do I share this without welcoming more abusive attacks?)* Anyway… she is obviously deeply angry with me and is lashing out any which way she can and again I have not responded to her. I’ve let her spew her anger and I have exuded understanding as best as possible. But today, I feel like she crossed the line. She sent me a message telling me that I was not worthy of lasting relationships, nor marriage, because I did not respect her marriage. She said that I was like a snake slithering on my belly waiting for weakness in a man and then I would strike. She said that all marriages experience times of weakness and that her husband’s moment of weakness with me was my fault and that I should have shooed him away and respected their marriage. She said my curse now is that I will never enjoy a marriage of my own in light of my behavior.

This is the thing: I know that falling in love with a married man was not the “right” thing to do. I did not go out looking for him. I did not seek him out and plan this. I did struggle with the ethics of it time and time again. I cried. I prayed. I fought to find love elsewhere. I planned everything I could to NOT have this happen. And yet, it did. I am still at fault for my decisions. I accept responsibility in this. I even accept the consequences, for the most part. I struggle with accepting full and total responsibility for my relationship with him though. We were two equals throughout the five years we were together who kept deciding again and again to choose each other. Which means HE CHOSE ME, TOO!! He is not a victim in this situation. He actively participated in the entire relationship the entire time. So, I don’t really want to hear how I “struck him like a snake” and did some evil thing to him to make him stray from his marriage. I am no magician. I have no spells to cast. I am a woman, flesh, blood, human, and in love with a beautiful man. Send me to hell if you must. Cast spells upon my soul. Wish evil upon me at every turn. Do whatever makes you feel better to ensure that I get my due punishment, I suppose. But, when I have had enough of the abuse, which I am nearing, I will hold my ground and stand up for myself. And dammit, I am worthy of just as much grace and forgiveness as he does. In fact, if we’re being brutally honest, maybe I deserve a little more considering that I am indeed single. Last I checked, I didn’t take any vows to ensure the sanctity of their marriage. He did, though. And he stepped outside of it. He’s no more to blame than I am, but maybe there’s some transference of anger happening here.

I guess that’s where I have been operating from actually. He told me that he loves his wife and that she’s hurt right now. I respect that. I can imagine how she’s feeling which is why I have refrained from responding to her attacks. He loves her and if I hurt her further (or in return), I am hurting someone he loves. I have never wanted to hurt anyone. I know that I did and I can’t take it back, but I don’t want to hurt her further. He cares about her and to hurt her means I hurt him as well.

There’s no one standing up for me though and I don’t think I can take many more of her rants. As soon as I think this though, I have the distinct thought in my mind, “What would Jesus do?” or “How did Jesus endure the hate he received before the crucifixion?” I am trying very hard to be on the right side of this situation as much as I can. I am still wholly in love with him and want only all of the best for him regardless of who he spends his life with. At the same time, I have to live in peace at some point too. So all of this drama must come to an end. And soon. Therefore the question remains, do I retaliate or just leave it all be?

Sadly,

The Repressed Peach

Lonely

I don’t know how many people in my life really understand how alone I really am in this world. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t complain about the fact that I am alone. In fact, I often times dismiss the concept because it sucks to face it head on. Who really wants to acknowledge that they are rolling solo in life? Who wants to feel as though people just tolerate your presence out of pity? I don’t, so I don’t talk about it. I think it’s time that I talk about it though. I think it’s time that I acknowledge that there is a vital piece of my existence that is being neglected. See, I like to be with people. I like to interact, make memories, laugh, fuss over the important parts of life and twiddle around with the less important. I like to have get togethers and have fun. Somewhere amidst my survival mode after my divorce, I stopped getting invited places, I stopped going out, I just stopped. I withdrew into my bunker of life and tried my hardest to keep my shit together. Well, I’m seven years post separation/divorce and the invites haven’t started again.

So instead of always expecting to be invited, I’ve started making my own plans and inviting people to come over or go with me. Oddly enough, few people have accepted my invites. Thanksgiving…I was alone. Christmas… I was alone. New Year’s Eve party planned…only two RSVPs out of nearly 40 people invited. Maybe I’m at an age where others have established friend groups or family traditions for these holidays. Me… well, I’m still starting over in many ways. I don’t have many friends in the area and all of my family lives out of state. Few people even travel to see me; I always have to travel to see them. When my parents come to see us they always have another agenda too (no offense, mom…I know you read this). I bought a new house last year, in fact, I closed on my home on New Year’s Eve 2015, so I thought it would be super cool to celebrate both occasions this year: a New Year and the one year anniversary of being in my new home. Only two people have said they can come and more haven’t even taken the time to say no. But worse yet, two of my dearest friends haven’t even come down to see my house much less come celebrate with me. And it hurts my soul deeply.

Bottom line: I’m alone and it sucks.

I’m tired of buying myself dinner on my birthday. I’m tired of pretending like it doesn’t hurt my feelings when people don’t come to visit. I’m tired of acting as though it doesn’t irritate the shit out of me to have to travel to see anyone. I’m tired of being alone and doing all of this life shit on my own all the time. It’s heartbreaking and sad now where it used to be liberating and inspiring. Let me tell you…everything gets old over time. Even the best of situations get irritating and hum-drum.

I know, I know… Some people would kill to be alone and get to call all their own shots all the time. And isn’t the grass so fucking green? Well, I would kill to not have such green grass for just a month or two. Let me come home to talk to an adult who can hug me and help me make dinner. Let me come home to a man who cares about the stupid bugs crawling in my grass and the ant hill next to the house and will get up and go do something about it. Sure I can do all this shit on my own, but I’m tired. I don’t want to do it all by myself anymore. And dammit, I wanna be celebrated like I deserve to be on my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas. I want friends and family to come hang out and watch stupid movies with me. I want to have long nights by the fire pit outside drinking adult beverages until we’re all stupid. I just want to have people in my life who care and can spend time enjoying life. I don’t need fancy vacations or weekend getaways. I just need friends who can sit back and relax.

While, I’m at it though…I also need people to recognize that I am alone. I need people to step the hell up and be present in my life. Maybe I haven’t demanded that before, and maybe I shouldn’t have to, but I am asking now for people to be available. I want my clan, my crew, my “ride or die” people to share life with me. I’m kind of dying inside. I’m losing my human touch. I’m losing myself somewhere in this bubble of crap that only seems to have me in it. I don’t wanna lose myself or lose my connection with others. I fear I know where people get so many psychological disorders from…isolation. A person’s mind can go bat-shit crazy without human interaction.

I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want friends to enjoy life with and I would love a significant other to share life with. I want my table full, my heart running out of space, and my life rich with good people.

And I definitely don’t want to write anymore posts like this.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Over. 

It’s sad when you learn where you truly stand with someone. People who call you friend but aren’t there for you when you need them. People who have a big temper tantrum if you don’t call or drop everything when they need you yet have no consideration for what life may be handing you in your own court. So, you know shit happens, right? Friendships ebb and flow. Relationships change. But after quite a few years of the same steady stream of drama and unrealistic expectations you just have to call bullshit. This isn’t friendship. This is not even a relationship. It’s a phone-a-friend hotline. Calls aren’t returned. Text messages are ignored entirely. Plans are cancelled on a regular basis. Sudden shifts in conversation as though anything you have to share is annoying and inconsequential. I feel like I’ve been understanding and supportive. I have always thought that one day my day would come and my friends would be available to me for whatever I needed in that moment. But that’s not true. I’m a burden. I’m annoying and my problems aren’t tolerable. This does not match my definition of friendship. 

I feel like so many people these days are spending so much time caught up in their own sagas to consider someone else’s situation. It should all be mutual over time. Give and take. Support and be supported. There comes a time though when no matter the excuses or the rationale, the relationship has to end. It doesn’t need to be any big deal. No break up messages needed. No confrontation necessary. Just let it be what it is. And what it is is over. 

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach