Attachment

Attachment is an amazing thing. It affirms to another’s soul that they belong, that they exist, that they matter. It allows security and stability to form, allows for exploration of self to learn who you are and who you aren’t. If attachment bonds are created then love forms and souls flourish. It’s the nutrient rich soil in which roots take and grow deep and continue to find life giving water and nourishment for a lifetime.

Somehow I have been able to create this type of healthy attachment experience with my child. I don’t know how or by what miracle this was allowed, but my son is a happy, healthy, balanced, connected, thriving young man. He just hugged me and sang off key in my ear for over 20 minutes after spending a weekend with his dad and through all of it all I could think is how much I love him, how much I accept him, how grateful I am that he likes me even though I don’t like myself so often, how much he must love me to hold onto me like that and sing to me. And then I realized I didn’t know what parental attachment felt like until that moment. I didn’t know what it could look like or how it was to feel that.

As a little child, those attachment bonds are easy to create and see from a parent perspective. You tend to their every need, you create meals for them, tend to wounds, usher them to appointments and school, you do all of their everything. So attachment is easier to see. As they become more independent, it morphs into something else, something different that needs to be created just the same. You have different needs to tend to as they age into young adulthood. They have different requirements to find their place in the world. They need support and love in a new way so that they can still feel those attachment bonds deep in their soul. They need to know where home is. They need to know where they can find safety, security and love when the world gets too big, too bad, too ugly.

The attachment bonds are thick tonight. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve my son or to be blessed with his presence but I thank God for him every day. I learn more about myself and life with every passing breath. I am better because of him. I am more because he exists. He is my purpose and my most precious contribution to the world. He is every jewel in my crown.

Growing up was difficult for me as you’ve maybe read in my previous posts, but what made it harder is feeling alone, unwanted, and uncared for during the most difficult times. Feelings of being unsafe and unattached didn’t heal because the circumstances ended, they’ve lingered for decades. Tonight I feel the pain of that wound left so deep in my soul; pain I thank God I have been able to shield my son from and create a different life for him. Here I am 42 and still wounded from the tragedies experienced in my childhood because I didn’t feel attached to anyone who could protect me and love me.

Moms and dads— I implore you… protect your children. Save them from monsters, real and imagined. Create a safe home for them to grow and live a happy, healthy childhood. Make sure they know they’re loved regardless of how much or how little they talk, how long their stories take, how off key their singing is or not, how beautiful they are as human beings, how much you cherish their essence. Make sure they know they belong and they are the most incredible person you know. Help guide them to refine their character. Guide them to develop strong values and principles upon which to live. Love them through their missteps and mistakes. Stand beside them in the wake of their heartache created by disappointment and grief. Love them even when it’s hard and you’d rather do anything else besides…

I promise that you’ll all be better off. In the end you will create lovely, lifelong memories and attachment bonds that will carry you to the end of your days. I can’t imagine anyone else beside me except my son when my end draws near. I pray he will never be too busy or too far away to love his momma and that he will always know he has a home to come back to no matter how far away he roams. I pray the bond we created when he was just a tiny little jellybean growing in my tummy and have continued to nurture into his 16 years of age, will continue through the rest of my natural life and beyond. I pray he can do the same with his children and that we have broken the cycle of dysfunction within our family.

Just as roots of a tree grow deep where there’s nutrition and water, your attachment bonds grow deep where love abounds. 🌳

Expressly yours,

The Repressed Peach

Peace

I walk along on sodden ground. Unsure footing with each step as I hesitantly measure the risks of moving forward. The weight of ground tied to my feet as I lift them to make some measure of progress. In my mind with each step forward I know that I can sink, slip, fall, or gather more mud. Such is my truth of living life without stability. Stability from God himself. Stability from having a sure fire connection to the one who made me, believes in me, breathed life into my bones and rendered me purposeful from the stardust of the heavens.

My connection to God is as sure as the words on this page. However I have not been cultivating a relationship with Him as strongly as I have in the past. This came to light to me today while in church through the analogy of bearing fruit in your life as you find peace with God. I thought of my life and the relationships I’ve had with people and I feel like I’ve been rather bitter fruit lately. Full of contempt, judgement, spite, and general ugliness. Do I say a lot of it out loud? Nope. I keep it in. But that poison leeches out somewhere and I think it’s been leeching into my own soul. It’s turned into some form of loathing and ridicule which isn’t my thing. I don’t generally do that to myself so I had to find the source. Irrefutable truth be told: I’m missing my foundation in the spiritual sense and it’s all soggy ground. Hence the unsure footing, fear, shame, ridicule and loathing. I even told my love earlier this week that for the past year I’ve felt like the Grinch. And that’s the honest truth. I’ve never felt so full of bitterness and sadness or that my heart couldn’t or didn’t want to love. And if you know me, you know that isn’t who I am at all. Generally, I have hope abundant, love everlasting, I’m sweet fruit to be picked, I’m nourishment for the weary soul, I’m refuge from the storm, I’m a warm blanket when cold settles into your bones, and a strong shoulder when you’ve grown tired. But I’ve been none of those things this last year. I’ve recoiled into a place in myself that I didn’t know existed. I was depressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter and empty. Emptiness fills more space than any of the others and it was awful.

So what’s changed right? Well, for one, the sun of my universe is back in my life. He brings me light, warmth, and love. He nourishes my soul. He fulfills me in ways I’ve never known before. He brings a smile to my face and a fire to my soul. He is sustenance. Without my sun nothing can grow. Without sun green grass doesn’t grow, flowers fail to bloom, grain rots in the field, and rain makes everything soggy and sour. With the sun, you are sure to hunger, sleep, and smile.

I can see more clearly. I can feel more fully. I can love without fear. I can be my most genuine self with all others because I am safe in the arms of my love.

Now, you might be wondering well what does this have to do with God and your spiritual self? Trust me when I say this: it has everything to do with my spiritual self. See, my sun brings light, love and warmth and he dries up all the rain so the ground I’m walking starts to harden and feel firm beneath my feet again. However, should the foundation I’m walking on be made of soil? Should it be so malleable and quick to change depending on the season I’m in? I would like to think no. It should be sure and everlasting no matter the season. It should be full of nourishment and richness that not only do my feet fall firmly beneath me in my walk through life but that my tree of life is full of rich, sweet fruit free to pick from as I encounter those in life. My current sun might die one day to become a beautiful star in my night sky only to one day be replaced by another life giving, life affirming sun, but the foundation upon which I operate should only grow deeper, richer, fuller and abundantly strong. This is my spiritual self. This is the self who is connected to God the ultimate creator. The giver of life and the ultimate counselor. This is where all other goodness within me abounds so that others may live and find gladness in their heart as they walk toward my tree of life.

I expect to work on my foundation. I expect to grow in this dimension of myself and find surety in all that I know of who I am and how I want others to experience me. I expect to find my tree of life full of fruit sweet to eat in the form of a juicy peach dripping with gentleness, a gooey mango rich with kindness, a crisp tasty apple sweet with hope, a lovely lemon full of joy, a strong coconut of faith, a hearty banana of patience, and abundant berries of peace. I will cultivate such experiences through nourishing my relationship with God and as a result I will bear the fruit of my labors and those who encounter me will find themselves full of all the good that comes from me. No longer will they taste bitterness or any hint of negativity from me.

It is my earnest hope to bring about a transformation so deep within me that I am no longer seen as myself but that I am seen as a branch of the much larger tree, the tree of God and all the promises he has in store.

Cheers to transformations! Cheers to finding hope!

The Repressed Peach

Realest me. 

As time goes by I find new and different layers of understanding and growth as I navigate this breakup. Like an onion, it has depth and flavor unknown at first glance. So my newest realization is this… I felt like the most powerful, best, realest version of myself when we were together. The self that I had only imagined I could be, was when I was with you. I felt complete. Empowered. Emboldened. Authentic. I didn’t bust out the chameleon in me to be with you. In fact, I felt free to be myself in all aspects of our relationship. I never shied away from being honest, open, and real in all of our interactions. Whether it was a serious situation or an intimate one, I felt like you accepted all of me just as I was. And I’ve never felt that before. Never in my life. Not from my parents. Not from friends. No other relationship has allowed me to feel so free to be me, exactly as I am, flaws and all. I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I also felt fully awake and alive on every level. I could feel my soul soar. I could feel the passion in my soul writhe with anticipation. I could feel my happiness swell and rise in my heart. I felt joy and peace that I’ve never experienced before. I felt strong and steady. I felt ready to take on the world with you in it and beside me. That’s the one big thing I’m gonna miss for myself, all that I felt when we were together. I miss the hell out of you for all that you are. But I miss the hell out of the me that I was when we were together. I miss her. I don’t know if I can recreate that same self without your energy. There was a symbiosis of souls between us that created a magical bond. A fusion of powers. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I  just know it was rare and incredibly special. I am forever grateful to have known that depth of connection with another person.

One day I hope I will learn how to be the best version of myself without needing you. Maybe I can figure out how to harness the energy in the connection we share to fuel a permanent transformation. I don’t know. But until then, I will remember the me I was when we were together. I will remember the feeling of freedom. And I will not settle for a relationship that offers anything less.

Expressly,

The Repressed Peach

Good enough for now. 

This has been the theme of my life for quite some time now and I just realized it this past week. Everything from my wardrobe to my relationships has revolved around my idea of accepting what it is as good enough for now. I’ve needed this mindset to survive. It was borne from a financial imperative when I first left my exhusband back in 2009 but since it’s just become a rut I’ve been stuck in. 

Accepting your situation for what it is in the moment is a strong virtue. It’s a sign of strength, resilience, and understanding which I consider dope qualities in a person. At some point though, there’s an implied change that should take place due to the “for now” part of the motto. Situations should change. Dynamics should shift thereby making growth and change inherent.

So now it’s time I figure out what I want. What do I really want that makes me happy? I don’t have to sacrifice my happiness or desires anymore. I am financially stable enough to make decisions about furniture purchases. I can expand my professional attire. I can plan adventures. I can actually expect quality relationships with people and not settle for anything less than what I want. My season of “good enough for now” has reached an end. It’s the end of an era for me. It’s on to new and richer experiences without feeling guilty. It’s accepting and allowing myself to feel splendidly happy with my surroundings and my people in all aspects of my life. It’s time to accept greatness and not cheap substitutions. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go wrack up a bunch of debt achieving this new idea. No, in fact, I’m gonna make a plan. I’m gonna develop a strategy and be wise in my decisions but I’m gonna step away from the idea of self-sacrifice. I don’t have to live like that anymore. 

I’m not sure if every mom goes through this or maybe every new family experiences this phenomenon, but I feel as though sacrificing our happiness for our families is good to a point. When you’ve lost love for yourself and you’re not inspired by the surroundings you’re in, then it’s time for a change. I need to love who I am and what I bring to the table. I need to celebrate me more than just on my birthday. I need to feel peace in my personal sanctuary. I need to feel freedom to experience life. I’ve limited myself out of necessity, but times have changed. If you know me then you know I’m not a plastic girl and I’m not a Betty Crocker either, I just want to live a good, happy, full, inspired life surrounded by great opportunities, genuine people, and a home that reflects the beauty of it all. 

It’s been good for so long that I’m ready for great. 

With closure,

The Repressed Peach

Home is so much more than where your heart is. 

The last couple weeks I’ve definitely felt the light come on inside my soul again. I have felt burdened and heavy for some unknown reason and it was beginning to worry me. I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather change or if it’s because I’m looking forward to the accomplishment of a major life goal, but I’m happy.

In just about two months my first house will be built. I signed the contract in May and have been diligently checking it’s progress each week. Week one was groundbreaking and my excitement was ethereal but now, at week whatever we are at because I’m not counting weeks anymore, the excitement is tangible and reverberates through my every word. This is truly becoming my reality. 

It’s the American Dream, after all, to have the perfect house with a nice backyard, barbecue pit, manicured front yard, and pleasantly mannered neighbors. But at 36, single, rather fixed income, and not much else to carry me except genuine faith, this is a monumental accomplishment in many more ways.

See, when I was a child my mother moved us from house to house, new boyfriend to new boyfriend, etc. We moved frequently every year until moving became such a normal part of our life that we almost didn’t know how to react when we stayed somewhere for more than a year. It was unnerving. And certainly abnormal for us. During the 80s, when I was growing up, buying your own house and raising your three kids alone wasn’t as easy as some might like to think. So that was the primary cause for moving so much. My mom didn’t have many choices available to her.

So, as a mother myself, I have made it a priority to ensure I wouldn’t be caught in the same predicament. I decided early on that my son would have as much stability as humanly possible especially after we separated from his dad. With God’s grace and blessings, I have been able to do exactly that. Humbly, I am honored to say that now we will have our very own house to grow in. This is my very first house in my entire life. I’ve never lived anywhere that was genuinely mine to call home and I can’t even begin to describe how incredible it feels. While I feel somewhat speechless, I feel compelled to try my best to capture the emotions and transformation of my life. Pictures are one thing but words are another. I’m not as good of a photographer as I am a writer.

It’s such an honor and a privilege to be afforded the opportunity to have my own house. I feel like I’m investing in me. My future. My family. That I’m building something sustainable and establishing some permanence in this earthly home. It feels real. I won’t have to flit from bush to bush trying to find my place and feel insecure about my establishment. I will have a permanent address. A home. A house that was mine before it was ever anyone else’s and made the way I desired it. A chance at making a life worth living and building upon for the rest of my life.

I look forward to all the hubbaloo that is soon to ensue with mortgage companies, interest rates, closing costs, and getting the keys! I am excited for the decorating and the arrangements. I am delighted to celebrate my new home with friends and family at the spring housewarming party I’m beginning to plan. I am elated to think that I can have Halloween parties and social groups gather at my home for food and fun instead of going elsewhere all the time. It honestly feels like a missing piece is being put into place within my soul. I am more blessed than I deserve. More rich in conventional ways than in anything else. And I am blissfully satisfied. My cup runneth o’er.

My heart is all in to this house but my home will be all of me completely.