Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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I will #RiseUp

I am not a saint. Far from it, in fact. I make mistakes. I speak too harshly. I rush to judgment. I interrupt people. I quietly, yet critically observe all things around me. I cuss too much, laugh too loudly, and fall in love way too hard. I over indulge in life’s pleasures. I enjoy an R rated movie from time to time as well as many other less than desirable characteristics that definitely take me out of the running for sainthood. And yet, I am a good person. What makes me a good person is up for debate amongst my closest family and friends therefore it’s safe to say that I have many redeeming qualities.

However, I have been dealing with an angry person for several months now. She is upset with me for very good reason and she is deeply hurt by my actions. I understand where she is coming from and I am sorry she is hurt. I can’t make this one right, though. This can only be healed by God and a deep sense of forgiveness, but like most things, it will take time to come to that realization. She will hurt for some time and she will be angry with me for a good time thereafter. In the meantime, I have become the recipient of many abusive rants that criticize my character and question my humanity. She has called me everything from a “white trash whore” to an idiot not “knowing the most basic of words” and has even referred to me as a “thing”. Par for the course in this situation, I suppose. Her words hurt and they cut me, but I know she doesn’t know the me at my core. She only knows the piece of me that hurt her; the piece she doesn’t, can’t, and won’t ever be able to understand. She can only hurt me with her mean words although they can’t hurt me as deeply as I hurt her. In light of this fact, I will likely continue to receive hateful texts and Facebook messages.

As I have waded through the unpleasant tides of this drama, I have chosen to #RiseUp and not respond to her hate filled messages. Not once. Regardless of how mean and ugly the message was, I haven’t said one word. I have let her rant and rave, throw me under the bus, cuss me, ridicule me, shame me, and everything else. I have processed her words privately and in confidence with my closest friends, but I have not, and will not respond to her. I have been told that I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting me and that I need to defend myself, yet I can’t find the words that seem appropriate or that will heal the wrong she feels. See, I fell in love with her husband and he fell in love with me. We’ve been together for the last five years. He didn’t choose me though. So, now I am alone and saddened because I’m in love with someone who can’t (or won’t) be with me and I am the object of someone’s immense hate. Rightfully so, some would say. I understand her disgust for me. I understand her confusion and loathsome attitude. I understand the place where the mean words come from. So instead of fueling the fire, I read, I process, and then I move on. I have to rise above her words. I can’t offer her anything to soothe her soul. I can’t make anything better for her heart. Everything I have to say would ruin her further. Therefore, I will keep all of my words to myself and save her any more heartache. It doesn’t matter to me what kind of person she’s behaving like right now, he chose her a long time ago and if I know him at all, then I know she’s good. She has to be a great person with a very deep, rich character otherwise he wouldn’t have ever asked her to marry him. And I’m not even mad at him for staying with her because I never expected him to choose me anyway. Time will reveal the truth she needs to know. I don’t need to give her anything right now. She is processing her pain and taking it out on the one person she doesn’t love which is me. I am an easy target for her pain, anger, disgust, shame, and every other emotion she’s feeling right now. She surely won’t treat or talk to him the way she’s being with me. I am the proverbial punching bag and taking all the hits, kinda from both sides, actually, and I’m just riding this out. If I were to say anything to her at all right now, it would be along the lines of, “I understand your anger. I understand your pain. And I understand that ‘sorry’ will never be enough.” But, like I said, I am not going to respond to her vitriolic words, I am going to let her spout off and then keep my reactions to myself. She won’t ever know, or want to know, me as a whole person anyway. Prayerfully, I will continue to have the strength to #RiseUp and not fuel her despise as well as find a place in my heart to pray for their marriage. I will use all the love I have for this amazing man to pray for goodness and mercy to abound in his life while I try to heal my heart and prepare for a new love for my own life. Only time will tell.

Mercifully,

The Repressed Peach