Weary

Oh my soul. My soul is so weary from the last year. I feel tender and sore from the aches and pains this past year had been fraught with. I’m not so sad now or going through anything at this moment but the trials the last year brought has calloused my tender heart. Just like a scab that covers a wound when the scab finally falls off the skin underneath is a bit tender and sensitive. Such is the status of my heart and soul. I feel like the scales of callous are falling off little by little through the life I’m living and connections I’m making. I’m back in church where I feel the wooing of God again. I’m connecting with my feelings again and I realize I have a lot of feelings I’ve not given voice to. I’m feeling the sensitivity of my tender soul blooming again in my chest. As in my last post it’s like how the Grinch feels his heart swell in his chest and he sheds a tear. This is exactly how I feel. I feel the genuine desire to be happy and to be free to feel, laugh, love and enjoy life. I can’t help but cry and feel super sensitive. I don’t really know how to manage it except to feel and allow myself the time to experience the emotions fully. Prayer sounds like a good coping mechanism in this season. Maybe surrounding myself with people who love me? That sounds like a novel idea. Lots of hugs, maybe some laughter, comfy nights of sleep, a stiff drink from time to time… and I guess anything else that might allow me to feel good.

You know what though? I’m totally okay with feeling all this sensitivity and achy-ness. I want to feel. I want to be vulnerable and sensitive. I want to shed a tear when I feel sad, joyful, angry, whatever… I don’t want to keep that in anymore, I want to share it and let it out. I want to give myself permission to feel exactly what I feel as it comes. All this will lead my soul to rebound from the pain of the events of the last year.

Living a life you’re proud of is important. It doesn’t matter what you’ve dreamed of if you’re not making it a reality. Living a life of purpose is real and necessary. Now that I’m in the profession I’ve aspired toward, I’m finally fulfilled. I feel like I’m living a purposeful, intentional existence and earning an income that allows me to live comfortably. This gives me a sense of peace and comfort as I can rest in this domain of my life and focus on other domains that need some tending specifically my relationships with others.

I want to speak freely and speak gently. I want to edit only my words to reflect my purest intention. I want to be true to my word in all things and not have to think back on anything. I want to be brave and courageous in my relationships but not crass or brazen. I want honesty without shame or ridicule. I want genuine interaction without agenda or fear. I want to trust again. Wholly. But most of all, I want people to be the same with me.

I know in time this will be a season of my past and I will grow into new areas. In the meantime I’m gonna work on myself a bit. I’m gonna keep my eyes on tendering my heart and connecting with God and friends while I feel the joy spring eternal in my soul again.

Warmly yours,

The Repressed Peach

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Release.

I find myself in a season of needing release. Release in various forms.

I need to release my anger, sadness, frustration. I need to release ill-conceived ideas of what things should be… how I should look, what I should be doing, what job I should have, what I should do with my Sunday mornings, how I should feel about the death of my dad, nephew, and step dad, how I should behave. The thing that’s really messing with me is this idea that I should hope, hold out, and stay loyal.

Today I did yoga in my living room with a free video on amazon prime. I did it in my birthday suit just to really be raw and embrace the moment. While I worked out I felt the narrative of “I should be more flexible than this.” “I should be able to make that move.” “I should have never stopped working out.” “I should be thinner than I am.” “I should love myself like I am.” “I should let go and just be.” Should. It’s a fucking curse. I would like to eradicate it from my vocabulary and I would like to just be free. Free in every form. I am going to practice my freedom. I’m free to feel any which way I want to. My feelings aren’t wrong. It’s ok to be disappointed in myself and others. It’s ok to find myself wanting more and being picky about relationships. It’s ok that I have standards for myself and others and I will allow myself the freedom to maintain them.

I even felt the “should” reach far into my mental health as I thought about the medicine my doc prescribed a couple months ago. I stopped taking them because I thought my issues were situational and would be resolved once I pushed over the hump. But lately I’ve felt the same lethargy, withdrawal, and angst creep back into my head space. As I reached into the pantry for the medicine bottle I heard this little voice say “you shouldn’t need these. Why can’t you just naturally be happy?” And you know what? I hope that I get there one day, but right now that isn’t where I’m at. So I’m gonna get back on track with the medicine and give myself freedom to feel happy even with the support of medicine. Even as educated about this stuff as I am, the human condition intervenes, I find myself in need of support, and then the stigma of medication sneaks its way into my mind. I’m a mental health professional, I know better… yet, I’m in the same boat as many others. I’m accepting this truth about myself for this time.

I want a lot for myself. I want health, stability, a partner, a happy home, a great career, and to feel alive and passionate about all that I do. I believe if I release all of the “should” curses from my narrative, I will succeed in finding all that I need and want for all domains in my life.

I hope to find the strength each day to release one “should” from my self-talk and action. Maybe you need to find the power to release them too and maybe your journey will be full of freedom, power, happiness, and purpose as I hope to gain in my own.

Sincerely,

The Repressed Peach