Submit.

Not to be confused with the act of turning something in, but more of a giving of yourself.

I watched Elemental on Disney+ recently and saw the father of one generation refuse to humble himself and honor his son. Then in the end the father who was previously scorned, submits to honor his daughter and the path she has chosen. She delightedly returned the praise and honor. It was such a powerful moment to see a parent figure behaving in this way.

A couple days ago, I watched a reel of a pastor using his spouse in a demonstration of submission to each other. He demonstrated the act of submission is not a “I am holier than though” posture, but a posture of “I submit myself to you in honor of you and respect for our relationship”. The submission isn’t to be used for power and control but the absence thereof and truly giving over to the goodness within the relationship.

Then I think if my failed marriage. It’s amazing how many layers keep getting peeled back. I think of the many fights begging him to stop drinking and driving. I remember the nights dinner got cold on the stove waiting for him to come home or call and tell me what was happening. I remember nights when he would go out with friends and I wasn’t invited. I would try to compromise, try to find a reasonable solution, I would offer anything that made any iota of sense. Yet everything was rejected. I look back now and realize while I had humbled myself to submit to our relationship, he had used it against me. He used it to harm me time and time again. I will likely never understand but it does show me that I do have what it takes to submit myself to a committed, safe, and healthy relationship. I wasn’t getting the same in return. It’s sad to look back and see what was happening and how deeply it has hurt me. Time will heal I’m sure but in the meantime…

Sorrowfully yours,

The Repressed Peach